Knowing this I have wanted to do a follow up post, but for a long time I didn’t have anything new or profound to say about it. Last week however I read this really interesting article in Christianity Today by Mark Regnerus (which was sort of a big deal because normally I find Christianity Today WAY too conservative for my tastes). His article was called A Case for Early Marriage, and you can read the full piece here.

Regnerus takes the whole conversation of single Christian sexuality and adds an interesting twist, refocusing the conversation into something different than mere sex.  He points out that as a Christian culture, we are highly focused (and maybe over focused) on physical conservatism before marriage, but we are missing the larger issue. Instead of being focused on how to be able to wait longer and longer to have appropriate sex within marriage, he argues that we need to see the value of, and support young Christians entering into marriage. He illuminates the shift in culture away from marriage and commitment, happening both inside and outside of the Church.Yet at the same time, we haven’t allowed for any shifts in our thoughts surrounding sexuality. We have been left with an entire generation of Christians who are trying all of the virginity commitment gimmicks they can muster, while needing trying to abstain for a continually elongating period before marriage. And in the midst we are wondering why the Church’s 80% sexuality rate isn’t that much behind the world’s 90% rate.

In a single statement, Regnerus says that we don’t need to learn how to be more pure, we need to learn how to get married.

To follow up this statement,  it should be explained that if marriage is God’s display to the world of how Christ loves the Church, then we should be focusing on how to create supported and strong marriages between young Christians…not how to keep your hands to yourself until you are nearly 30.

“I am suggesting that when people wait until mid to late 20s to marry, is IS unreasonable to expect them to refrain from sex. It battles our Creator’s reproductive design. The data don’t lie.”

Right here let me clarify that Regnerus does indicate that young marriagedoesn’t mean that we should be telling high schoolers to think about wedding rings. He is focusing on the 22-24 year old crowd. Which, yes does seem a bit young to us, but even 35 years ago, that was the average age to think about marriage.  Regnerus clarifies our struggles with sexuality and marriage with the following statement:

“…yet in surveying the scene, many Christians perceive a SEXUAL crisis, not a MARITAL one. We buy, read and pass along books about battling our sexual urges, when in fact we are battling them far longer than we were meant to.”

Can I get an amen from all the single 20-something Christians out there? I have to say, it was a bit vindicating to have someone else see the problem here. We aren’t sinful for touching each other…we’ve just lost of the focus of commitment.

To be clear here, the advice is not that we all go out and touch each other because we are in our mid 20s and single. Let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water. Instead, the focus of the argument and solution to the sexual “crisis” is on the idea of having the Church support and build healthy marriages between young people. He does argue that we should try to wait for sex. But we should not be putting off marriage.

“Table For One”

Quoting some statistics about marriage, Regnerus points out that we have 65% more single households than we did in the past 35 years. Also, it surprised me to read that less than half of all households in America are married couples. It doesn’t shock me or any of my single women friends to read that we have 120% more single male homes than we did 35 years ago. Women, the reality is that it IS harder to get married these days.

Why is it that we are waiting? Why is it that most of my friends that got married this past “wedding season” were closer to 30 than to 20? Because we’ve changed the way we think about marriage.  We think that we need to have it all figured out before we get married; that it’s not ok to be in process and want to be married. That we have to be fully formed, worked through our demons,  and know who we are.

I know that I have struggled with this one a lot. I have even written about it. It seems that we need to have a good job, know who we are, have our identity and issues worked out, make good money, and worked through and professional crisis before we are ready to be promoted to the “major leagues of dating”…the kind that might have a ring involved. Before that, we were just dating for company while we had fun, traveled, and went to school.

What I really found hysterical was that Regnerus points out that the Church as lost its ability to SHAME men that cannot commit. HA! Can you imagine that!?

3 to 2 Ratio

Regnerus also has another home hitting point that helped nail a suspicion from nearly all of my Christian girlfriends. We often sit around dinner tables asking each other, “What happened to all of the Good Christian MEN?” Well, statistically speaking, we’re working on a 3 to 2 ratio – 2 men to every 3 Christian women. Meaning, that 1/3 of all Christian women out there WON’T have a good Christian man waiting to find them. So, as we sit around and tell our girlfriends who have fallen for the really great non-Christian guy that she is going to “unequally yoked,” we should also know that this advice is hard to follow when it is statistically impossible. I suppose that throws a wrench in the argument that, “God has the perfect man for you honey. You just need to wait until he brings him to you.”

Now Regnerus doesn’t conclude on what this 1/3 of women should do. And to be honest, I don’t have any good thoughts either. I wouldn’t want to commit to a person who had no faith, no knowledge of God, and couldn’t understand the spiritual parts of my heart. But it was amazing to see the numbers there in black and white - women we are dateless because the men are literally NOT THERE.

Ideology vs. Reality

I love that Regnerus makes this clarification: We think that we need to be fully formed to be ready for marriage, but we forget that marriage is a formative institution. It makes you mature. It makes you practice good communication. It creates responsibility.

Now, Regnerus does go through a series of arguments of why people wait to get married. And they are all of the reasons we have told ourselves and our friends: economic, maturity, independence, making the right choice, chemistry, etc. And he does outline good points for each one. But the overwhelming point that I took from his arguments is that as a Christian community we view marriages entirely too independently. When a young couple chooses to get married, we think, “Well, they’ve made their bed, now they have to lie in it.” And that can mean financial struggles, communication or intimacy struggles.

But here’s is a different way to think about it: what if as a Church, we came along side of marriages and supported those people? What if just because you were a young married couple didn’t mean that you were doing it all on your own? What if parents were still willing to financially support those couples in times of economic struggle? What if mentors and older Christian couples were to come along side seriously dating couples and help them to make a founded decision based upon common values and wise group decisions? What if we were in support of young married couples as they mature into their roles of husband and wife? What if we took on the responsibilities together, as one body? Doesn’t that seem much less risky than simply telling a 21 year old college kid that he should marry his girlfriend so they can finally have sex?

After all, God’s kingdom is all about loving on one another, supporting each other, and creating dependence. God’s kingdom is about growing each other, and being in this together. If marriage is suppose to mirror God’s love for us, then we really have it wrong to think that we need to get your life together, wait until you have the maturity, finances, and perfection to be able to enter into commitment. “Come just as you are?“ That may apply to Jesus, but getting a husband seems a bit more tricky.

Good On Paper – But Really?

Ok here’s the catch, even as I am sitting here telling you all  about how getting married is a great thing…I am still questioning if I really believe it for myself. I am 25. I am glad I’m single. I have lived overseas. I have gone to counseling. I have faced my past. I’m hashing out my professional passions and my future. I almost got married at 23. I can tell you that I’m REALLY happy I didn’t. So, on the one hand, while I champion all of Regnerus’ ideas, part of me says “Yep they’re great…for someone else. I’m glad I’m waiting.” So, I get it, I am in your boat. I’m not telling all of the Christian women out there to drop of of school and hang up their ambitions to be barefoot and make bread for their husbands. In fact, the thought of that just made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

But what I do think is interesting is this: what if marriage is less being perfectly ready and finding the perfect man? What if it is more pragmatic than that? What if it is simply finding our core values, and then using a team of people who love us and know us to help us make a good choice for a spouse.  And then simply saying yes to that commitment every single day. Part of me believes that this has to be more realistic.

And, I do love how the sexuality struggle has been validated through this article. It IS ridiculous to expect us to be 30 and single and not want to intimately connect with our partners. I do still think we should strive for puritan ideals, but in a way it seems that Regnerus has given us a more holistic view of what is going on.

So, with all of that said, know that I stand in the center ground on this issue too. I am still concerned with my friend who just got engaged at 21. I worry they won’t be happy.  I do like the idea of starting to have kids around 30. But I also have seen my share of problems with approaching sexuality and marriage the way we have been.

I’m interested in seeing how this resonates with my readers. In talking about this article this week, it seems that it has hit different people in very different ways. Some were angry, some felt the thoughts were too old fashioned, or some women were screaming “hallelujah!”at the idea of us needing more men to commit.

But as you think on your own opinion, I will close with a quote from Regnerus that I believe sums his whole argument very well:

“While, yes, sex matters…marriage matters more.”

Now I’m sure you all know the premise of the film. But if you live under a rock, I can give you a recap: the film features a bunch of characters who are aspiring comedians and actors. Sandler is an established comedy actor, and finds out that he is dying with cancer. He connects with Rogan and they both go on a little journey learning about fame, fortune, life, disease, love and what is important in life. Horray bro-mance movies.

The reason I talking about this post today is because there is a turn in the story line that puts the audience in an interesting place. The main character is a famous comedy actor, George Simmons (Adam Sandler), and when he finds out he is dying he tries to re-connect with an old love, Laura (Leslie Mann). The thing is, Laura is married. But as the story is painted, you find out that Laur’s husband, Clark (Eric Banna), has been cheating on her for years. And not to mention that there are several scenes where Clark openly disrespects Laura condescendingly. In one scene, Laura teary eyed confesses to George that she loves him more than her husband and wishes that she never would have married Clark.

It’s from this point that the complication begins to weave itself in my mind. As a viewer, I felt incredibly guilty cheering for George in his pursuit of Laura. Part of me wanted him to get her, to love her and have them ride together into the sunset. But the other part of me looked at her beautiful children, her home, her family, and her life and just wanted to scream at George to stop. To leave Laura alone and let her figure out her own life. To not satisfy himself in his need for her, and not destroy her family in the process.

It was an interesting moral split. And the story doesn’t end there – there are 146 minutes of weaving the complicated web, and then leaving you with an adequate sense of closure.

But my question is this: Do you feel bad rooting for the douche bag husband to get cheated on by the beautiful wife? Or do you want the main character to loose so the less popular character wins?

Either way, kudos to the writer, Judd Apatow, for keeping me engaged and divided throughout the course of the film.

What do you think?

Over the past 6 months or so, I have been having some very interesting conversations with friends and acquaintances – both Christians and Non-Christians alike. I am not trying to be some cliche writer that goes straight to the topic of sex because it’s controversial, but legitimately it seems to be a  grey area that begs questioning. I’m not referring to the logistics about sex (we can turn to Cosmo for those details), but more about the topic of sexuality. About what it looks like to be a woman or man and be sexual. What it looks like to be single and sexual. What it looks like to love God and be single and sexual.

The Christian Words of Wisdom: JUST DON’T.

I think I can speak for a lot of us who grew up in the Christian church when I say, sexuality can be an overwhelming subject. It can be hard to talk about, or hard to ask about. For most of my Christian life, I thought that “Good Christian Girls” loved Jesus, and didn’t really do much else than kiss their boyfriends. And then, in my teens I really struggled with guilt because I realized that there is a lot of grey area between kissing and sex, and no one prepared me to hash that part out.  The church’s only message to be about sexuality was “DON’T.” It said nothing about who I was as a sexual being, and how to think or feel about it. I assumed that I was wrong for wanting to do more than kissing, and moreover that I was probably the only Christian girl in the world that felt this way.

And now, in my mid-twenties I find it interesting that most of the people with really good attitudes toward sexual identity that I have met – did not grow up in the church. They are people who were never told “JUST DON”T,” but instead “It’s all good – you are sexual, embrace it.” And somehow, in their twenties these people seem to have a good mentality toward their sexual desires – regardless how much sex they are choosing to have or not have.

I remember the first time I had a  friend admit out loud,  ”I’m a super horny person. Most guys can’t keep up with me.” She loves God. And she wasn’t ashamed. She just said it like it was no big deal. She had come to Christ later in her twenties, and so she wasn’t indoctrinated in the “Shame Belief.” As I was hearing this, I felt like I had been hit by a train. The thought was so surreal. “Is it ok to like sex like that?“

In light of that last comment, let me insert the disclaimer: I wasn’t raised under a rock. I never wore a bonnet, I wasn’t home schooled, and yes my mother did have the “Sex Talk” with me. Regardless of my seemingly “normal” upbringing in regards to sex, things begun to get difficult when looking at the bases between kissing and sex. It just seemed to me that there was never any middle ground -  you were either a person who didn’t believe in God or “God’s rules”, you approached sexuality as you wanted, and never felt any guilt about it – ORyou loved God, bought the rules, and didn’t do more than kiss. And now as an adult, I am realizing that there are HUNDREDS of us that are caught in the middle. We are sexual, single, love God – and somehow are trying to make sense of what is and isn’t ok on Saturday nights at 2 am with boyfriends and girlfriends.

Most of my friends consider me an open person – I will tell you whatever you want to know about dating, sex, make outs, jeans that make your ass look great. Sometimes they will pull me aside and ask questions that they might be afraid to ask. From my girlfriend’s who are Chrisitans, I get this question a lot:

 “From a Christian Woman’s perspective, how much is too much?”

To be honest, I’m still not sure how to answer that with a good conscience. I’ve sat in  sessions with my counselor, hashing out that very issue. Even after professional help, I have decided how to reconcile things in my own mind, but I’m still not sure that I am completely right.

Epic Love.

Let me tell you about a conversation that I had with a friend over Chipotle a few weeks back. She is an amazing person. She grew up in a very conservative church. She then fled her very conservative church and decide to pursue a different lifestyle. Handfuls of experiences later, she is struggling with the same questions as the rest of us.

During this conversation, I was telling her that I know someone who is bi-sexual. It’s not so much that person is into her same gender, it’s just that she is looking for that “All Consuming Love” and doesn’t want to limit herself to gender. Admittedly, she prays to God that she will fall in love with a man and can have the children and the white picket fence, but if she happens to fall madly, insanely, completely in love with a woman – she wouldn’t want to walk away because of gender. Upon hearing this story, my Chipotle friend slams her fist on the table and says “EXACTLY.” She too is looking for what we call epic love. The kind of stuff that shakes you to your core. The stuff they write books about. The stuff that is, in her words, almost psychotic.  And she too, hopes she finds epic love with a man – she admits that she likes the male genitalia a lot and would be sad to have to give it up. But, if epic love comes with a vagina, my Chipotle friend is going to be fine with that.

In my mind, there are two pictures I see being painted. One is that sexuality is, what I would call, “Not Enough.” This is the quiet identity, the message sent to us mainly by the church or other conservatives: that it is something that happens in bedrooms. It is something that we don’t talk about a whole lot. That sexuality is something that happens to you when you are older, or when you are married or when you are ready. But before that, you should just make out with your boyfriends. And if you have dirty little thoughts, then you are probably a guilty sinner. This is the mentality that I had growing up.

The other picture is where sexuality is “Everything.” This is where I see a lot of the world falling into. Sexuality is erotica. It is pornography. It is women in bikinis on the cover of magazines. It is a passionate, unencumbered erotic connection between two people. It is in marketing campaigns. It is ….well really, all over the place. I don’t love this idea either though. I feel like it misses part of it – the human part. The soft part that happens between the sheets of two people who really love each other. I’m not quite sure how else to explain it, but I know that Hollywood has a plastic and overblown image of what sexuality should be.

So how is it, that us Christians go about landing in the middle? For me, I do know a few things. For one, I want to wait. I don’t want to have slept with my husband before I get married. I get it why it is worth waiting for. And fighting for. Because, yes, I do think it should be a struggle. There should be tension. I believe the tension shows you part of the other person – shows you who they are. Shows you how you look out for one another, how you put the other’s interests first. It shows you how you can work as a team, long before your marriage vows are exchanged. And in the words of a good friend, there is a process of discovery takes place. And maybe it’s the traditionalist hopeless romantic in me – but I love the idea of starting out your marriage with some of that discovery. Still having parts of your identity, sexuality, and intimacy that are left for the finding.

The Classic Question – How Far is Too Far?

This still leaves a lot of grey matter out in the open. There are 3 whole bases between kissing and bedding that are left to be fought over. I oscillate on my opinion over those. I have Christian friends who do everything but intercourse. I have Christian friends that do nothing below the belt. I have Christian friends who only kiss.  Are we right? Are we justifying things? What does Jesus think? Hell if I know.

But I do know this: a good friend of mine once told me – the level of sexual intimacy that you are sharing should be equivalent to the emotional intimacy that exists in your real relationship. This is probably the best explanation I had ever heard when it comes to an approach at health sexuality.

So you might be a couple that is ok with oral sex…eventually. Your second date might not be the time. Maybe oral sex  is something that you grow into. Maybe that is an area that you celebrate when you arrive there. And, as a couple, you determine what that looks like through the course of time.

I know in my own relationships, the words of my friend is an objective that I always try to keep in mind. Sex should be the outpouring of what is already going on. Which means that you should be having memories with friends, romantic dates, emotionally intimate moments, laughter, adventures – and the sexually charged moments are the celebrations of all of those things. And together you fight to navigate what to do with those sexually charged moments.

I suppose the moment that sexuality switches to simply being about horniness or orgasms, it makes me think. I mean, I know it’s not always going to be some specifically meaningful experience, but I think it’s a good plumb line.

Has the Church Failed Us?

One of the most interesting things that I have uncovered with my conversations with lots of Christians and non-Christians alike is the nature of their first sexual experiences. In general, the non-Christians that I have come across where so much smarter in their choices when it came to protection. IE- they wore condoms. They had foresight, and ensured that they weren’t doing something stupid.

On the other hand, you find this funny logic within the Church sometimes. Buying condoms (or other contraceptives) means that you are thinking about having sex, or planning to do it. Which, according to the Bible , is wrong. So, instead of protecting ourselves and one another, we get in these hot and heavy moments, and find ourselves unprepared. And then, having unprotected sex and putting ourselves and others at a huge risk. In some weird way, it seems like if we didn’t mean for it to happen, and it was just an accident – it makes it a less guilty action. Twisted I know, but you’d be surprised how many Christians have told me that they followed this line of thinking in their preliminary sexual experiences.

So, if “Don’t do it” is all that we are hearing…and then we are doing it anyway, but putting each other at risk – do you see where this is all wrong? I wonder why I have this overwhelming feeling like the Church has failed us. Left us with nothing about sexuality, other than unpreparedness and guilt.

But even in light of this feeling of failure, I have to ask myself some really hard questions: If I am mentoring high school girls, would I tell them to go ahead and have sex? To buy condoms “Just to be sure?” OR, if I had a daughter, would I tell her to buy condoms and show her how to use them? Would I tell her that it is important for her to wait to be “ready” to become sexually active?

My first inclination would be no. To just tell her to wait. Tell her to have fun, go slow, and not to let her boyfriend down her jeans. Funny though, isn’t that how we got into this predicament in the first place?

I’m not sure how to answer all of the questions right. And I don’t even know if there are right answers to be found. I don’t know if we all just should aim high, try hard, and keep the reality of our decision in the grey area a secret. I don’t know if we should talk about sex more, or less, or just give up on trying to figure it out all together. Or maybe we can take the approach of conservative christian colleges – get married within 3 months of knowing one another, so premarital sex isn’t really an issue.

I do know this though, if there are any of you out there who seem to have it a bit more figured out, your insight might be helpful to the rest of us.

[Insert shocking gasps and horror screams here].

I had a great conversation with a few of my girlfriends over breakfast Saturday morning (Is anyone beginning to notice that most of my amazing conversations seem to take place over breakfast?) I have to admit, a significant portion of my thoughts come from these gals – they never cease to increase the flow of blog materials.

In the midst of a conversation about Easter eggs and white-picket fences, we got to talking about family: getting married, when we wanted to get married, if we were ready, if we wanted to be moms, if we were ready to be settled little families, or if we still wanted to be single and romping around. 

 It was interesting to note that of the five or so women in the room, most of us really wanted a family – and sooner rather than later. However, it took a little bit of conversation before any of us just came out and said “Yes! I can’t wait to get married and have my own family.”  It was almost like admitting that you like Brittany Spears – a guilty little thought in the back of your mind that you wouldn’t admit unless you knew you were in like-company.

Listening to my girlfriends chat, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Why is it that admitting that you want to be a stay at home mom is like admitting that you want to have scabies?” It seemed that we were almost sheepish about it, like it wasn’t noble enough for the world and needed to apologize for wanting to take an “easier option” than finding a career.

 ”No thank you price charming, I don’t want to be SuperWoman working 50 hours a week, weighing in at 110 pounds and looking like a beauty queen. That’s just too much work. Instead I want to stay home and eat ice cream all day. Is that ok?”

Baby Talk.

For me, when I am honest, I know moms are those amazing, unexplainable creatures are needed more than we admit to, and appreciated less they should be.  They fix everything, they find everything, they kiss things and make things better, they create homes and meals, they foster love and give life. So why is it again that we feel like we have to want a career on top of all of that?  Is it enough for me to say “Being just a mom is fine”? Or do I need to be Mom and have a career? It’s an awkward topic for me to even think about, much less admit. For most of my life I have wanted to be a career woman. My future family plan looked something like this: 

1) Secure great job. Preferably as an executive. Or at least at a high enough level where I get to tell people when I am coming in instead of the other way around.
2) Get married.
3)Travel around the world and play with hot hubby (Yes, being hot was in the plans).
4) Get knocked up.
5) Take 6 weeks to play mommy.
6) Hire nanny to come and rock Jr. to sleep while I go back to running my company.

 I have always felt like that is what women are suppose to want- we want everything. Women are supposed to be amazing and run the office and the home – hell we could probably be president while raising a family.

I know I’m going to be a kick ass wife. And probably a kick ass mom. But still, I’m not sure I’m even allowed to admit that. Or worse, I’m not sure I’m allowed to tell guys that. Hotter, Nerdy, Blonder guy and I are still talking [blushes upon typing it], and I’m not sure if that would send him to the hills if he knew that I’m thinking about being excited for those things. Or any guy for that matter. Guys, if you met a girl at a party and asked her what she did for a living and she said “I’m in marketing, but I really just can’t wait to be a wife and mom!” wouldn’t that freak you out?

In my mind, I’m afraid that we come across like we are faking our careers so that we don’t send out the message that we are ticking. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not desperate, I’m not faking, and I’m not ready to get married or pop out a kid right NOW – but this is honestly the first time I’ve really thought about kids and family at all. Before now I have been actively opposed to the idea and very busy running around the world.

In fact, at one point when I was living in New Zealand, a professor had said to me, “You are at the perfect age to start looking to get married.” I quite literally laughed and said back, “Haha, YEAH RIGHT.”

In light of that memory, it does feel a bit crazy to be open to start thinking about it. [yep, palms getting sweaty just typing about it].

Were Our Moms Just Lucky?

I think the Feminist movement definitely changed some things for us girls. They raised the bar. It allowed us to have much more opportunities and tasks to choose from. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this is a bad thing – it’s just suddenly made the mommy question a little bit more complicated.  

Were our moms just lucky that they could just be moms and didn’t have to grapple with the “fulfilling career” piece? Or are we lucky that we get to choose to have one, the other, or both if we want? Does it make a difference to good quality men if we want to stay home or not? Does it make you a little bit desperate to realize that yes,  I might want to get married? And yes, I might really love having kids?

Am I ticking?

 I don’t know the answers to half of those questions. But I do know, that I might go looking for bubble wrap tomorrow morning. Or maybe some sort of packing material. I might want to be prepared. If I start ticking, I might try to wrap myself up and silence the sound, because I’m not sure I’m ready for everyone to know it.

All that to say, I do appreciate your feedback. Actually, I would argue that at some level – I need it. It’s important to me that what I write resonates with people – and I thank those of you who have jumped into this conversation.

Jesus and Cocktails.

One of the major comments that I received from both men and women alike when responding to the ideas of meeting guys in bars is simply this: “Can’t great guys go to bars too?” As so aptly commented by Megan, most of us hang out in bars at some point or another, whether it is once in a while or every weekend. It would seem logical then to realize that going into a bar doesn’t transform a person into something evil. And sure, nice girls and boys are still nice when they are sitting on a bar stool.

In fact, I love going out. I wouldn’t say that I have a party lifestyle these days, but I couldn’t imagine being with someone who had a problem going to clubs, or didn’t drink at all. A perk might be that they could be my designated driver all the time – so that might not be half bad; except for the part where you are always the one making an ass out of yourself – I at least like taking turns being the drunken retard.

For the Christian daters out there, I suppose we can meet people in bars because I would hope that there are bars have Christians in them. In theory. However it is in the execution that things get a bit messy. It is a bit awkward to ask, “So do you go to church?” in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone. Granted we all have values that are important to us, but deciding to rule someone out based on this can feel like walking a tightrope. Rule them out too soon and you are paralyzed by your pre-judgement – wait too late and you can face emotional pain by trying to sever a connection due to your intellectual dissonance. 

This can be true of a lot of things beyond where you spend Sunday morning: if you want kids or not, if you drink  or not, if you are a Republican or a Democrat…none of these are things you want to ask someone within 5 minutes of meeting, yet they are imperative to moving forward. Tricky business.

Hotter, Nerdier, and Blonder – the Story Continues.

So, as promised, I did call Hot Nerdy Blond. In fact, I called him last Sunday on the way to an Engagement Party for two of my friends. Now, you might understand why this subject has become so much more complicated, because as irony would have it, I met someone at this party (yes, the traditional Christian way to meet people – at a party with your friends, how ironic).

Now the fun part is, this guy is Hotter, Nerdier, and Blonder than Club Guy. I had met him before, and this time when we were talking, the connection was obvious. I won’t go into too much detail regarding my new heart throb out of consideration and privacy (Surprise, I don’t put EVERYTHING in my life on the Internet). But I will say this, he’s gotten the thumbs up from a few of my buddies, and has a killer laugh that makes me weak in the knees. Ooh-la-la.

I have gotten a call back from Club Guy. But at this point we run into the same questions that we were debating before: “Is it nice to go on a date with a guy when you know that it won’t go anywhere?” It might be true as I professed before, it is just dinner….but the thing is, in light of someone that I know is legit, I don’t know if I want dinner with someone that I met in a bar.

Jenni-the-Writer might feel obligated to give Club Guy one shot, just for the sake of consistency with my writing and commitment to what I say over the Internet. But Jenni-the-Person has a hard time using guys as social experiment. That’s not very nice now is it? 

We Hate Dating.

I think it’s fair to conclude that we don’t love dating. We don’t always hate it, but it can be murky waters out there, and it’s easy to get lost. In fact, talking to one of my girlfriend’s who lives in Seattle, she often calls me and starts our conversations with “Jenni, I hate dating.”

Duh. We all do. As I have often said, dating is a bitch. But we aren’t really given too much of a choice. We all have to decide to play, to give guys the flirty eye, to debate about giving out your phone number, to not call back when he calls you. Maybe we secretly envy our married friends because they have their person already, and don’t have to feel naked as the stand there talking to a new guy, hoping he likes you back.

But here we are, trying to figure it all out. And as I say to my Seattle friend, “Just keep dating! Be content in where you are at, even if it is uncomfortable. And when in doubt, give him your number anyway.”

The Background Story

On Valentine’s Day, as you might have read, I found myself single. So, I did what any sensible, sexy, single gal does: I went dancing with the girls at the  Heat Ultra Lounge in Anahiem. It was legit. Hot guys, great drinks, and a kickin lounge. I probably will make a point to go back.

Now, what happened over the next few hours was playful, fun, and surprising – even to yours truly who is a clubbing veteran. I went with a group of girls who are outgoing, flirty and cute as all get up. At the same time, they are some of the strongest, godliest, amazing, “I know who I am and I’m going somewhere” women as well. Let’s put it this way – I wouldn’t have tagged ANY of them to be the type to give any club-guy their phone numbers. Nor would I have said that I am a person who gives out my number either. In fact, I have a designated fake number like any smart party girl does (which consequently is only a few digits off my real number –  you know, in case Ive had too much to drink and cannot hammer out a whole new fake number).

As we walked out on the dance floor, we began to attract some attention (4 cute girls – come on!), and it was only a matter of time before we were getting asked to dance. Being the coy women that we are, I think at one point early in the evening I even switched guys with one of my friends. She was dancing with an ever so slightly dorky blonde who I had my eye on. I signaled to her, she nodded in agreement – some fancy footwork ensued, I got my man and I was thrilled. As the night grew on and the music grew louder, all of us found ourselves paired off with hot and interesting guys. Exciting I know.

Don’t get too excited. This isn’t him. But it highly resembles him. Oh-la-la for sure.

Hot Nerdy Blonde was a great dancer, and as it turns out, we graduated from the same college. Once things had heated up, we headed outside for a breathe of fresh air to chat and cool off. And then it was back inside for some more flirting on the dance floor. However, as we crested 2:00am, and the house lights began to rise, we knew it was time for the Valentine’s Day romances to disband. It was then that I did something I NEVER do…I reached into my clutch and pulled out my card. With my REAL number on it. I gave it to Hot Nerdy Blonde, and smiled. I turned around to realize that all of my girlfriends (the amazing, intelligent ones who would NEVER give their numbers out at a bar), only to find that they had all given out their real numbers as well. We giggled all the way home.

 Several days after the Valentines venture, I got a text reading:

“Hey J….. – thanks for putting up with my very mediocre dance moves. hahha. Saturday was fun. We should meet up soon. -Hot Nerdy Blonde”

I was flattered. I blushed even. But I didn’t write him back. In my mind, very respectable Christian women DO NOT meet men in bars! We meet nice Christian guys at friend’s parties, bible studies, or e-harmony.com. So in light of these rules, I took the ego boost, and moved on with my week.

I soon found out however, how very wrong I was about the behavior of “Christian Women”.

I found out that my very admirable, responsible, honorable girlfriends went out on a double date with the guys that they met in the club. The boys called, they asked them to dinner, and it was only a matter of days before the four of them were laughing over cocktails. I KNOW. I was shocked. And totally felt jiped.

Cocktails and Wedding Rings.

 Here is the part where we tie this story in with Christian and Non-Christian men. Before talking to my girlfriends, (who admittedly will not date non-christian men) I was a bit confused as to why I didn’t get the memo that it was Kosher for us to go out with our club hotties. Because as I mentioned, we are all God loving women, and the idea of going on a date with a guy you met in a bar seems a little bit counter intuitive to me.

My one girlfriend came right out the gate and said it. I love her thought: “We aren’t going to marry the guys, and that’s just the thing. It’s just dinner. Christian guys don’t seem to get that. It’s like they have to know that they want to marry us before we can get a cocktail. These guys at least know how to get a number and take a girl out on a date.”

In some ways I see her point. I know a lot of guys who seem hesitant to get it out there. It’s like they’re so concerned about “being intentional” that they are paralysed. I think in the heaviness of trying to figure out of this girl is “God’s will for me” we forget to just laugh and have a drink. We forget that it’s just dinner. Girl’s aren’t made of glass, and if we go out for a dinner and it fizzles, so be it. We won’t break. We’ll move on.

At some point I overhead someone laughing about the idea that it seems that we get stuck thinking that we are all “Christian brothers and sisters.” Maybe guys  feels it’s like incest to look over at your “sister in Christ” and think ‘hmm….she’s hot. We should go out.’

I think a few of my Christian girlfriends have met far too many Christian men who flirt, make a point to see them in groups, but then never make a real move. Sometimes I have friends that have been “talking” to guys for an entire month before they every hit the “Dinner and Drinks” phase. And to contrast that to guys who took all of a week to get my friends out, a month does seem a bit absurd.

I do understand that there is a delicate balance in what I advocating. I’m not saying that all non-christian guys are perfect. I know for a fact that there are a fair share of tools out there (believe me, I have probably already dated them). And I’m not saying that Christian guys should be whoring-assholes. I’m just saying that maybe we should pop the pressure a little. Because to me it’s sad that my beautiful friends are willing to date non-Christians because those guys seem to be a little better at the dating game.

Apparently I’m a Hypocrite.

In hashing out this idea with my friend Suzanne, the first words out of her mouth was this:

“You know what this means? You have to call him. If you are writing a blog about men being able to ask a girl out, and you DID give him your number, then you need to call him back.”

Let’s just say that Suz was thoroughly thrilled when she found out that my friends went on dates with their club guys. She’d already been harassing me for weeks for not calling Hot Nerdy Blonde back. My apprent mistake regarding the acceptability of dating men that you met in a bar only added to her arguement.

I still don’t know if nice-God-loving girls like myself should be getting tied up with guys that they meet in bars…but I do see her point. I shouldn’t be that snooty. He’s putting it out there like I asked right?

So…tomorrow I’m going to call him. It’s been a month since he texted me, and it might be way  too late. But, like I said, I’m not made of glass, so if he doesn’t want me anymore  – I can be right on my way.

Keep you posted.

This morning I had breakfast with two of my favorite, fun-friends. I don’t know if you have fun-friends, but I highly recomend that you get some. They are the friends that encourage you to be glorious and goofy, honest and candid. And seemily, this is something that happens almost immediatly when meeting them. It’s almost like meeting a super hot guy that you have electrical chemistry with….excepet they are your friends, and you don’t want to make out with them. You just want breakfast and laughter with them. At least, I don’t make out with my fun friends.

Anyway, this morning we met at the Gypsie Den for breakfast. (Side note, before breakfast I got stuck in a time warp…my cell phone gitched to the wrong time, and since I am in the process of moving, it was the only clock I had. Needless to say Sophie was suprised when I called her and asked “Is is 9:42 or it is 10:21am?” Suprise, it was 10:21…which made me 20 minutes late. Oops. But clearly I had a solid excuse. “Time Warp Sophie. I can’t control the universe.”)

I realize that I love these two girls, because over 5 Grain Cereal (yes complete with puffed milk, bananas and nuts), we had conversation which moved 80 miles an hour, discussing the highs and lows of the week, relationships past, and the fact that we are fabulous (Yes, at any girls breakfast, this is a subject that does come up.) What I realized in talking to them, is that they really see me for the creative writer that I am, and encourage me to write – every day, all the time.

I left breakfast DYING to get to a computer because I felt so inspired by their thoughts. Sophie and Chris pointed out to me that I am not held captive to wearing a suit and walking into an office everday. Creativity and success can look so many different ways. And to this point I have been pushing to find a corporate job, they opened my eyes to the idea that I can persue my writing, and simply use my job as a means to a paycheck. Well, maybe a paycheck and some good writing material.

Ladies and Gentleman, I am contemplating divorcing Corporate America.

As you all know, I have some history with very corporate jobs. So naturally, the first thought I had when I got laid off was  to look for a marketing coordinator position, or something within the business world that will harness my skills at a communicator. And to be honest, after I got a “No” from this last position, I really felt burned. Maybe I was too pumped,or maybe I  set myself up for failure. Either way, I really wanted that job, as you might have noticed from this post I did right before the interview.

Now, it’s almost like I got broken up with by “job search”. I put my heart out there, and they gave the job to someone else. And like a Jr. High Girl, I want to turn around and say “Fine, job searching, I don’t need you. I’m not going to apply for jobs any more.”

Ok, so I’m not going to be one of those people who lives on unemployment forever, but all of a sudden I feel incredibly empowered. I realize, I don’t have to find a job that fits me. I just need to keep writing. And as far as how I make my money, I can do a million things. I am free to choose any job that I find INTERESTING. And I am free to take my time wandering around to find what that is….like a gypsie.

In my mind, I want to walk around in flowy skirts. I want to wear a grey beanie. I want to serve coffee and get tatoos. I want to be a bartender. I’m thinking about studying for that test for the Postal Service that I wrote on several months ago. I’m thinking about trying to find a job for a non-profit. Or working with a traveling group. Or being a roadie. Who cares?

Corporate Suit VS. Gypsie.

You have to understand where I am coming from. I’m the kid that did everything right. I went to high school, did sports, journalism, youth group, and got great grades. In high school I didn’t smoke, drink or have sex. I got into a good college. I got two degrees in four years, and graduated with honors. And even then, I still mainly walked the straight and narrow. I still don’t have tatoos, and always did what was expected. I wanted to go to Law School. I was a clean-cut good kid who always played by the rules.

Suddenly I feel relinquished. Free to work in a menial job and have it be ok. Free to ride and bus and write about it and have that be ok. Free to be artsy and eclectic. To leave the graph paper mindset behind and flow into graphic color.  I have never been more excited to be insiginificant. To be normal, and not have to be all put together.

Maybe this is the stuff most of you guys all figured out in college. Maybe you all really got a chance to experiment and find out what you wanted to do if you could do anything. Somehow I think I missed the boat. But late or never, I think I’m catching on. And it’s pretty glorious.

I told my mom tonight that I wanted to get my bartenders liscence and work in bar. I’m also thinking about not washing my hair for a while. I really think that’s actually gross, but it’s fun to think about. I also told my mom I was thinking of tatoos. She didn’t respond. Neither did my dad. It was great.

The Bachelor is like Socially Acceptable Polygamy

Give it several weeks and an “After the Rose Ceremony” scandal later- I think we are all beginning to realize the depth of the sick and twisted show we have created. After seeing this season’s finale, we are all thinking along the same lines as Lincee,  The Bachelor’s long time Recapping blogger: “Can we get the ABC psychotherapist over here please?“

Many people have argued, “I’m sure it was all in the contracts for Jason to have to show everything on camera, and it wasn’t really his fault.” In some ways, I am sure they are right. After all, ABC is like any other corporation – they are about MAKING MONEY. They don’t care about feelings,  people, and the right things to do- at the end of the day, it’s the ratings that matter. I’d love to say that there are other corporations that look beyond those things, but in reality,  it’s the “Show me the money” mentality that really makes the world go round.

So, here is my question. At what point did we fail to recognize this image: 

is UNCANNILY similar to the show about Fundamentalist Mormons who actively practice polygamy:

See the resemblance? And while we all turn our noses up at the Fundamentalist LDS hiding away in Utah, saying that they are sick and gross…every week we faithfully tune into The Bachelor to watch women struggle for power by seeking the favor in the eyes of one man. (And by we, I mean me. It’s a car wreck, and I can’t seem to look away).

I know we aren’t supposed to get this riled up about a TV show, but I think there is so much going on here below the surface, it’s unbelievable.

First of all, I’d like to point out, that if the producers of ABC did this intentionally, they are amazing. And disgusting. Maybe the actions of this season was a ploy. Maybe ABC has decided to capitalize on the emotional that all women have in common: the ability to hate men just a little bit. I’m not saying that all men are chauvinistic pigs. What I am saying is that all women have had interactions with men being chauvinistic pigs. Rejected because “I’m sorry, I’m still in love with someone else,” or being told “I’m sorry, I just can’t do this.” (Funny, my last two relationships ended one of those two phrases.)

If someone at ABC realized this, and decided to “Creatively” move the show in a direction in an attempt to strike on those chords in The Bachelor viewing population…that is pure genius. Manipulative  and sickening. But still genious. You may think that I am taking this too far, but honestly, working in corporate America I know first HAND that what really matters is the green. And if we can push rules or break hearts to get it, we will.

Secondly, let us all agree that JASON IS A TOOL. This should come as no surprise to any of us. As so aptly put by my friend Jeff, “Whatever man can look at a room full of women and say ‘my future wife is in this room.’ is a tool.” Agreed.

Breaking up with someone on public television? I think our hearts ALL broke for Melissa a little bit. It was clear that she was genuine when she agreed to the show. She felt real emotions. And contract or no contract, it is obvious that she got the short end of the stick.
Starting a new relationship with Molly? Seriously? We couldn’t even wait a commerical break after ending your engagement to start a new relationship? Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

But here is the part that makes me FURIOUS: YOU HAVE A THREE YEAR OLD SON. So, going on the show the first time with Deanna wasn’t enough time and disruption into your son’s life, you had to go again for a second round. Do you know what kind of mental damage you can do to a three year old, showing him that love is a game show? And Jason stands up there, talking about Ty like he is the world to him…yet he had no issues with taking 2 seasons worth of shooting time away from “his little boy.” Right. Which makes you a tool.

Third, why is it the girls that always have to be so sure?  Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that we have got it all backward. Having roomfuls of women waiting to be with a man, fawning over his ever move doesn’t seem to motivate him to pursue. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but when a guy finds me interesting or cute, ask me on a date. Yes you should be nervous. It’s called a risk. And yes I am worth taking that risk. I hate it how in the show,  the girls to have prove that they are sooo sure, having NO doubts that he is the one! Yet, he can turn around and say “Gee Melissa, your parents didn’t want to meet me. Now I’m really having doubts that you are committed. I don’t know if I can propose to you know.”

Aren’t we supposed to have doubts? Isn’t that part of the journey? Aren’t we suppose to have doubts and take risks, trusting when its hard and letting people see your uglies? Then you hope to God that your uglies aren’t bad enough to scare them away. That’s called a R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P.  As an old date of mine used to say, “You simply need to meet someone who is willing and able to deal with your demons.” Too bad we didn’t work out…he was one smart guy.

Did it ever dawn on the women that ABC was paying for all of these romantic excursions, and maybe in real life Jason was cheap?I want to know what happens when they get back to Seattle, and Molly is going, “Where’s the limo Jason? I want to ride downtown to pick out a new dress so we can fly to Paris for dinner.” And Jason is going, “Sorry Molly, I don’t have any money. I had to quit my job to do two seasons of  The Bachelor, so…how do you like Top Ramen?”

All in all, we all know that The Bachelor is a train wreck. Usually, I just avoid it all together. If I wanted to barf once a week, I could take up bulimia. This season however, I chose to have it induced every Monday night. And even though the girls signed up for a train wreck, I really do feel for Melissa. I hope she finds love. The real kind. The “you look like shit and smell awful…but come here let me kiss you” kind.

I suppose the only thing that could redeem this season is knowing the Jillian is going to be the Bachelorette next season. She kicks ass.

Tonight I went out to dinner with a friend, and we had a great conversation about the content of life. At the moment, I told her, I feel like I am on the edge of my chair. Maybe you could say that I am on the brink of change. It seems like at the end of each breath there is a small space. I would call that hope.

Hope that at the end of this thing we call life we all get what we were wanting, or if we were lucky, we got more. Hope that we get the job, that we find beautiful people to roll through the years with, that there are enough bottles of wine and warm fires for winter nights. That we have beautiful children, and awful tragedies, and at the end of it all we have enough prospective to still feel like it was all worth it.

Eggs and Honesty.

Earlier this morning, I had breakfast with my friend Andy. On Fridays we go to Yoga, and then come back to my house and I make eggs and toast. It’s glorious. In between bites of egg, I explained to him that even if it isn’t remotely true, I need to believe that I am going to get an amazing job soon. Not only that, but that I will eventually find an amazing man, that eventually my family will be a little bit more sane, and that I will find amazing roommates.

Not to say that any one of these situations keeps me awake at night. In fact, I have found that lately, I am happier than I have ever been. But I realize that depression, anxiety and panic seem to be characters always seem to be just a click away. And it’s not just me, it seems to be everyone at the moment. Turn on the news, and you’ll see what Im talking about. Thousands of people getting laid off, our economy circling the toilet, and thousands of dollars in taxes on their way. There are more than enough reasons out there to fuel whatever issue you want to have.

What I said to Andy through bites of egg was that I simply choose to lie to myself. Every single day. And you  know, I don’t care even a little bit. I don’t care if I’m flying high above reality in my delusional thoughts of getting jobs, finding love, or satisfaction in this broken world.

Maybe that makes me a dreamer. A romantic of sorts.

Did you ever see that movie Hope Floats? I didn’t. But in my mind, I imagine it was a movie about something sad, the characters that find hope, they change, and then things are ok (that seems to be the premise for a lot of movies).   I bring it up because I think maybe hope does float. Maybe people say that because it’s like a metaphor for a life preserver. Or like a seat cushion on a plane if you crash into the ocean. I am told by stewardesses that there are little arm loops that make it a floation device.  Unless you are flying Sully the Pilot, in which case you wouldn’t really need a flotation device.

So I’m concluding my thoughts with this: Life is great. I’m on my couch on a Friday night, dateless, drinking a new bottle of wine that I took a chance on at the grogcery store. Surprise, it turned out awesome. I’m rocking out to Elton John, which I heard in a friend’s car last night and decided to go through an new phase where I am in love with the old good stuff. I’m also munching on amazing Swiss chocolate that my buddy Ben sent to me (I keep the tons that he has sent to me in my fridge for emergency dateless, friendless, wine nights).   And I’ve decided that lying to yourself is the greatest thing that you can do.

I might not get the job that I really want. I might be thirty and single. My family may never change in ways that I want them to. But for now, I’m going to pretend that they all do. Because hope, is apparently an airplane seat cushion.

I realized something the other day. I don’t have a Valentine this year. And that should come as no shock….I’m single. But the part that was shocking to me was thinking back over the years, and realizing that even though I have dated a lot and come close to walking down the isle with a person….somehow I haven’t had a date for Valentines Day since I was like 2o. Seriously!

Is it realistic to think that a person could date on and off throughout her life, and consequently, somehow be single before February hits? I want to feel jipped…except for the part where I don’t.

This year, I find myself in a really awkward place when it comes to dating, men, and heart shaped boxes of candy. See, between loosing my job in November, and ending a decently great relationship – I feel that I am in a state of flux. You could almost say that it has spurred on a re-inventing of myself. Except, I don’t feel like I had myself “wrong” before, I just feel like I am getting myself more “right” than I have ever had it before. Even my roomate made the comment tonight, “Wow, it just seemed that you are really confident and comfortable with who you are – not just in your identity, but who you are as a professional career woman.”

That was really refreshing to hear.

Where Valentines comes in is like this – my neighbor upstairs just got engaged today. My roommate is most likely going to be engaged before the summer….along with like 3 of my close friends. And not just that I feel “left out” of the dating band-wagon, but there are moments in my life when I look around, and I am just struck with this core realization that feels like, “Man, its a tragedy that it is just me in this. I’d LOVE to have someone at just this moment.”

I’m not lonely in the way that I want someone to hug or to kiss or something. It’s more fundamental than that. It seems that I have a lot going on, and somehow it feels weird climbing into my king sized bed alone every night.

But, it’s a tension.

There are moments, when I am reaching into who I am as a writer, a designer, a creative, as a girl standing in the pouring rain, as a climber, as a runner, as a professional, as an unemployed woman, as an independent person, as a broke person scared shitless – there are moments where another person would just  wreck  it. It’s gorgeous because it’s just me and the wind – you know?

I have resolved to this: I’m not against dating right now. Self admittedly, I would love to have a man in my life. But, I’m realizing that I’m beautiful, and interesting, and incredibly busy getting on with my crazy, scary, unexplainable adventure of a life. And if a beautiful man walks in the door that is nothing short of wonderful – a true gentleman, lovely and in pursuit of something genuine – I’m in with both feet. But I think if were anything short of that, I might have to just push on my way. There’s a whole world out there waiting. And I’m incredibly excited to introduce it to the woman that I am becoming.

I guess that leaves me Un-valentined this year. Again. And in the beautiful tradgety, I can’t help but smile…just a little bit.