I recently have discovered that I have a fascination with the word frustrated. Lately I say it a few times a day. Mostly under my breath while saying fleeting prayers, begging God to change the parts of my life that I don’t love.  “…God, I’m so frustrated…”

In a flight of curiosity, I typed each letter into dictionary.com. F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D. As I read the responding entry, I couldn’t help but feel the pit in my stomach growing larger and larger with each line.

frus⋅trate:

[fruhs-treyt] -trat⋅ed, -trat⋅ing, adjective –verb (used with object)

1. to make (plans, efforts, etc.) worthless or of no avail; defeat, nullify

2. disappointed

3. having feelings of  or filled with frustration; dissatisfied

thwart:

–verb (used with object)

1. to oppose successfully; prevent

2. to baffle ( a plan or purpose). Read the rest of this entry »

Tonight while on a jog  around the bay, the night was so clear that the moon made mirror images on the water. Seeing that it’s a full moon at the moment, it was bright and the night was purple and blue and black – some of my favorite tones.

And while I pumped out all of my energy from the day, a memory resounded through my mind. A few years ago I was in the midst of another dark night lit by only the moon. I remember this moment very vividly – not only for the emotional significance, but for the astonishingly sharp visual that seemed to pair with it. It was the middle of the night when I was en route to New Zealand. In leaving LA, I was leaving behind a host of problems, my life was essentially in wreckage, and I was holding it all together with McGiver-style bubble gum and tape. Little did I know that when I landed in New Zealand I would promptly be deconstructed and begin the process of slowly piecing my life back  together. That moment on the plane was probably one of the darkest, more anxiety ridden nights of my life.

As I flew through the dark night, thousands of feet in the air, the darkness was piercing black. But the moon was soft white, illuminating the ocean as a blanket of sparking diamonds. The night was so clear that even from my height, I could make out the tiniest islands down there in the in the massive blue, and I could see the white caps of waves washing over beaches. It was honestly one of the most beautiful sites I have seen in my life. I remember specifically with tears in my eyes I whispered under my breath, “God I don’t know where you are, and I am scared sh*tless, but here I am.” Read the rest of this entry »

Today I’m in a funk.

 There’s a lot going on below the surface. In fact, I don’t think I slept much last night. I woke up periodically throughout the night thinking about the job, ex boyfriends, new guys, moving, writing, not writing, money, sleeping, and not sleeping.

I was hoping that yoga and breakfast with Andy this morning would relax me and pull me out of my head, but I think it only made it worse. I’m sitting on my bed, reading old blogs and listening to Jason Mraz.  I’ve decided today is a calm storm. Or maybe, it feels like when you are watching a movie, at an intense action scene – like a bomb blowing up. Sometimes they can slow the frames to the point where you watch all of the fragments explode in detrimental beauty. It’s a really good scene if there is some killer background track to go along with the visual.

That’s how I feel today. My life is in flux. There are things quietly raging in my mind that I can’t turn off. It’s like emotional shrapnel spraying in all directions. Majestic and slow like splatter paint.  It makes me realize, whether you are a juju person, a karma person, a “Secret” person, or a prayer person….we are out of control. Call it God, or the universe, or fate, or human will…sometimes the world goes crazy in the space between our ears and there’s not much that we can do to fix it, or to reconcile the dissonance.

At some point in my life, I had been dating someone who was really good at getting me out of my head. He could shake me up, and pull me off the melancholy fly strip. I don’t get stuck there often, but it does happen. In lieu of having someone around that knows me that way, I’m wondering what it would sound like to just sit here for a bit.

Often times, melancholy is an inclusive experience – maybe that’s just me being a creative. But it’s a feeling, and words, and music – all going on at the same time. Today, that looks and sounds like Jason Mraz. Sometimes it’s Jack Johnson or John Mayer that seem to fit the bill. But it’s is always something slow, upbeat, melancholy, but not depressing. Something that reminds me that even if the emotions spray though my brains like bullets, it can be beautiful.

  Jason, Jack, John and me. Having a splatter-paint-fest in the space between my ears.

And in case you’re wondering what melancholy sounds like…it sounds like this:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocEOA1sAFvY]