As I have grown in my relationship with God, I have become very aware of a mistake that most of us make as Christians. I owe this though in most of its entirety to Patrick Dodson, because I’m pretty sure that he thought of it first and then told it to me.

Most of us view God like He’s our personal drill sergeant. Now, initially you might think that sounds a bit too harsh or not quite right, but how often do you hear your friends or yourself saying things like, “God please just tell me where I should go, what is your will in this situation? I’ll follow you wherever you lead me.”

Sounds like a good christian prayer right?  I’ve heard people say things like this more times than I can count. But when you think about what is really being asked we are saying, “God just give me orders, and I will do exactly what you say.“  I.E., we want to be passive participants in our lives, (”Jesus take the wheel”  …thank you Carrie Underwood) and let God do the ordering and thinking. I can’t help but think that methodology is bit off. Or if it was the right approach, I would understand why so many people think religion is a crutch. Read the rest of this entry »

I recently have discovered that I have a fascination with the word frustrated. Lately I say it a few times a day. Mostly under my breath while saying fleeting prayers, begging God to change the parts of my life that I don’t love.  “…God, I’m so frustrated…”

In a flight of curiosity, I typed each letter into dictionary.com. F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D. As I read the responding entry, I couldn’t help but feel the pit in my stomach growing larger and larger with each line.

frus⋅trate:

[fruhs-treyt] -trat⋅ed, -trat⋅ing, adjective –verb (used with object)

1. to make (plans, efforts, etc.) worthless or of no avail; defeat, nullify

2. disappointed

3. having feelings of  or filled with frustration; dissatisfied

thwart:

–verb (used with object)

1. to oppose successfully; prevent

2. to baffle ( a plan or purpose). Read the rest of this entry »

In my room I have a file. And in this file I have all sorts of “Scraps of Ideas.” They are napkins, receipts, bulletins, cards, or anything flat enough to write on when inspiration hits. I like to think of this file as the “harvesting ground” for my ideas. Inspiration comes to me in the form of little seeds. Inside the file, they grow and ripen into robust thoughts, so they can be plucked from the “Idea Tree” file and written down.

Earlier this week I was looking through the file for some places to go with this next post. I pulled out a scrap of napkin that had blue ink scribbled front and back.

This napkin spelled out sudden clarity about my plans vs. Gods plans. In that moment, I clearly was understanding that:
1) I don’t always know best.
2) Sometimes uncomfortable change is good.
3) If you demand life only on your own terms, often times you will miss the point
4) God’s master plan in this whole life is to be an epic storyteller.

Read the rest of this entry »

Inspiration Over Breakfast. 

This morning I had breakfast with two of my favorite, fun-friends. I don’t know if you have fun-friends, but I highly recomend that you get some. They are the friends that encourage you to be glorious and goofy, honest and candid. And seemily, this is something that happens almost immediatly when meeting them. It’s almost like meeting a super hot guy that you have electrical chemistry with….excepet they are your friends, and you don’t want to make out with them. You just want breakfast and laughter with them. At least, I don’t make out with my fun friends.

Anyway, this morning we met at the Gypsie Den for breakfast. (Side note, before breakfast I got stuck in a time warp…my cell phone gitched to the wrong time, and since I am in the process of moving, it was the only clock I had. Needless to say Sophie was suprised when I called her and asked “Is is 9:42 or it is 10:21am?” Suprise, it was 10:21…which made me 20 minutes late. Oops. But clearly I had a solid excuse. “Time Warp Sophie. I can’t control the universe.”)

I realize that I love these two girls, because over 5 Grain Cereal (yes complete with puffed milk, bananas and nuts), we had conversation which moved 80 miles an hour, discussing the highs and lows of the week, relationships past, and the fact that we are fabulous (Yes, at any girls breakfast, this is a subject that does come up.) What I realized in talking to them, is that they really see me for the creative writer that I am, and encourage me to write – every day, all the time.

I left breakfast DYING to get to a computer because I felt so inspired by their thoughts. Sophie and Chris pointed out to me that I am not held captive to wearing a suit and walking into an office everday. Creativity and success can look so many different ways. And to this point I have been pushing to find a corporate job, they opened my eyes to the idea that I can persue my writing, and simply use my job as a means to a paycheck. Well, maybe a paycheck and some good writing material.

Read the rest of this entry »

You might wonder how any of these items could make their way into one coherent thought, much less blog. Well readers, I promise I’m going somewhere. And I think we might have a video debut on Cherry Blossom Thoughts!…Well, no one is debuting their video, I’m debuting the use of the video feature. Riveting, I know. So hold onto your seats.

In the 1980s (84 to be exact), Cindy Lauper rocked the world with her song, Time After Time. You might remember the video of her and her multi-colored, half shaven hair agonizing over her boyfriend. Let’s be honest, I was only a year old when the video come out, so I had to youtube it.

Then, in 1998, Matchbox 20 did an awesome cover of Cindy’s song. From concert in Australia we now how this beautiful recording of a 1990s sound on our 80s hit. Personally, Matchbox 20 resonates more with me than Cindy Lauper does, but mainly because I listened to them a lot in high school. Hello, your age is showing. Read the rest of this entry »

          Last night my sister came over to my house, as we watched a movie. Now, I am not normally a girl who is not into Romantic Comedies at all.  Movies are one thing that my roommate and I will never see eye to eye on – she loves “RomComs”, I hate them. And it’s not that I’m cynic or anything. I really do believe that true love is out there. It’s just normally I can’t get past the awful writing. Holes in the plot, formulaic story structures…they feel like a corporate version of art. But…I lose myself. That is a conversation for another day.

Last night, my sister came over and we watched What Happens in Vegaswith Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher.

The premise of the movie was exactly what you think it should be: two attractive people meet in Vegas, get blitzed and then get hitched. It gets a little complicated when Jack (played by Kutcher), wins 3 million dollars at a slot machine right after consenting to annul the marriage with Joy (played by Diaz). Considering his new found wealth and their marital status, Joy decides she is entitled to half of the money. In a messy judge ruling, they have to spend 6 months together working out the “marriage” before they are allowed to separate and split the winnings. The rest is history – boy gets girl, boy looses girl, boy gets girl back. And they all learn something about themselves in the process. Basic obnoxious chick flick.

But the part that really caught me what this line:

 ”You are planning to plan.”

You see,  Joy is a character much like myself. She is a strong, independent woman with a professional career on Wall Street. (ok, so we are kind of similar…she’s a professional…I have no job…but go with me on this one).  She is constantly spending time trying to be everything. She is beautiful, chipper, the perfect girlfriend, and pushing for a promotion at her Wall Street job. Sound familiar? How about my entry on Dos Equis, and trying to be interesting?

A few times in the movie, a pivotal statement pointed out to her is “You are planning to plan,” showing her exactly how deep her need for control and perfection really go. Ouch.

So, here I sit, a day after watching this mediocre movie, and I cannot get this line out of my head. And while planning and control are things that I struggle with in general, it seems to be an awkward number considering everything that I have going on. It’s a little hard to plan when you don’t have a  job, and you don’t know where you are going to be living in three weeks.  And these are just the struggles with planning out the next several months.

Beyond months, I realize that I am up in the air for the next several years.  In being unemployed, and at a critical point in my career life, I realize that the next position that I undertake can have substantial impact. At the moment,  I have several things percolating, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I had a job offer on the table here before too long. There are several potential positions staring me right in the face: Marketing Analyst for a health care group, Admission Coordinator at a University, Admin at a major sport brand…each one of these options makes my head spin. Because they are different pieces, of different plans that don’t really fit together.

In realizing these planning fears and frustations, I come to the pinnacle when it comes to one important piece of  paper. My resume haunts me. And for one reason: A resume is a story teller. It shows potential employers where you have gone, what skills you have gained, and where you would like to go (hopefully, into their company).  But, if you are like me, your resume doesn’t one clear success story. Instead, I have what my dad so aptly stated “A smattering of experiences.” I have some HR work, I have sales, I have administrative….and when I think about it, I’m still under the heat of the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?”

By this point in time, I’d hoped that I would be grown up. And well into my career. But the reality is, there are people out there that look at my resume and say, “Oh, so you are still green. We have a great entry level job for you.”

And while I am humble enough to realize that I don’t know everything when it comes to the career word, I’m a little bit beyond answering phones and typing out emails for my boss. When I’m really honest with myself, I realize that my dad knows more about my hopes and dreams than I do. Because aside from telling me that I have a “smattering” of experience, he also reminds me that I have always known what I want to do.

“That’s easy.” He says, “You want to run the show. You always have, and now its just a matter of figuring out how.”

He’s totally right. I’m writer, that’s obvious. I’m a story teller, and a communicator. I’m visual. I’m into graphics and photography. I’m a coordinator. I’m a schmoozer. I have friends. I’m really great at networking. I’m smart and analytical. I’m structured. I’m inventive. I’m tenacious. I want to be the boss.

And I’m a planner. Like Joy, I can get paralyzed by planning to plan, and forgetting to let life happen. I get so stuck in the dissonance between who I am, and what my resume is not, that I forget to move forward. Instead I look at the possible job offers, where they are located, what apartments are near there, what the responsibilities of the position are, how much it is going to pay, and how that next entry on my resume is going to effect the next five years. It’s beyond exhausting, it’s ridiculous.

And althought the movie was stupid in my opinion, I know Joy found herself by getting lost. By letting go of the need to be “everything” she found what she was really looking for. I’m almost embarassed that I am finding so much deep truth out of such an awful movie. But, embarassing or not, there is truth in that. To realize that I know 40-somethings who still don’t know what they are doing, and have resumes that make them absolute failures on paper. But in real life they aren’t failures as corporate America might call them; they aren’t paralyzed like me either – they are just free. Free to make mistakes, and fail, and work at jobs that they love and don’t care if the world never thinks they are important.

I think I’d like to get there. When I’m honest, I’m already drafting a plan on how to get there in the back of my mind even as I am typing. Maybe the question now is just…

Is it ok to plan not to plan?

Still unemployed.

It’s been 12 weeks.  That’s 3 months. That’s means when you balance the two out, I have more months than money.   I’m officially bleeding red, and waiting ever so patiently for Unemployment Insurance to get their act together and send me a check in the mail (yes, somehow all of my paper work has gotten lost, twice, and 12 weeks later I’m checking the mail box like an anxious 5 year old).

Let me not get sidetracked. The issue of being broke is, obviously, associated with being unemployed.  Thankfully, a simple check from Unemployment will clear that up. What cannot be resolved with a check  is the new mindset slowly developing as the unemployed weeks pass. You see, I was fortunate to have been given the expert services of Lee Hetch Harrison.  They are an executive placement company that has mastered the technique of job searching, and they offer resources that I could not put a price on (although, I’m sure they do have prices attached somewhere).  LHH has been a critical part of discovering what goes on in the mind of “The Unemployed,” as I am not only completing their program myself, but I am also spending the majority of the day with other unemployed individuals.

There is an office that I go to a few times a week. I get dressed in a suit, wave at the receptionist, make coffee, call contacts, read emails, and schmooze around the “water cooler.” I even attend meetings! Although these things may look and feel much like a job – dear friend don’t be fooled. The only payment from these efforts will be the payoff of a job offer.

Now, part of the program is my Job Search Work Team that meets every week. They are amazing. Each week we come in with our charts and notebooks and papers, feeling important…or trying to feign importance. We go around the room and talk about how many contacts we have made that week, who we spoke with, and upcoming highlights. We discuss job postings  (and believe me, at times there aren’t many), interviews, and troubleshoot sticky situations that might arise.   This week, one of my favorite characters, a gay writer (of course),  makes the most insightful comment as we are walking into the meeting room.

 “Why is it that not having a job just seems to bring out all of my insecurities? God! Going on a job interview makes me feel like an anxious 16 year old on a first date all over again!”

He’s RIGHT!

Not having a job is like going through a break up every single day. You may think I am being dramatic, but I am not kidding!

• Pouring through Internet sites, looking for potential new jobs that would be a “good match“…sound like match.com anyone?
• Going on that first interview, where you are looking to have “Chemistry” with a company – they need to like you, you need to  like them, you need to value the same things, and you need to see eye to eye on the important things.
• They say they’ll call, and you wait by the phone…for what feels like FOREVER.
• Even if the job isn’t the right “fit” for you, and you KNOW you don’t want to work there, it still hurts to be told no.  “I want to break up with them first!” Sound familiar? (yeah, its called my Friday night last week).
• If you have good “chemistry” with HR, they ask you on a second date, I mean interview…but this time with the hiring manager. Talk about pressure!
• Sometimes they bring in a “Panel Interview.” Is this like  the “Want to meet my family?” conversation that inevitably comes up too early in dating?
• When you get all the way through the Panel Interview, and they DON”T offer you the job, there is always going to be some friend consoling you over lunch or drinks, telling you “Honey, you didn’t want to work for them anyway. I bet that guy was an asshole!”
• And even if they give you a job offer (which is like an engagement ring) – it has a numerical value tied to how much they like you. It’s called your salary. Or your carat size. Same difference.

In short, being unemployed can make you resilient,  or it can destroy you. I suppose whichever one comes first. As I sit every morning, pouring over my “Positioning statement” (I am a highly proficient business professional with expertise in communication both written and verbal…), I can’t help but feel like a sixteen year old girl, staring in the mirror saying “I’m pretty, and funny, and smart, and cute, and outgoing…” and trying to make myself believe it.

Maybe Prince Charming is out there. Maybe right now, he’s sitting at a restaurant table and sharing a laugh and a drink with my future boss.  Maybe they’re buddies. Maybe they both don’t know it, but I’m sitting here, waiting to have the chance to radically change both of their worlds.

Until I find the road to that restaurant table to schmooze with my future life, I suppose I’ll keep looking, all the while reciting to myself …

“I’m a beautiful business professional, who’s great at being a girlfriend and has expertise in communication, both written and verbal…”

The biggest news in my life as of yet….I’m unemployed. Apparently my global Fortune 500 company can do without the Executive administration of Jenni Brown – because they gave me 8 weeks of severance and sent me packing.

As my boyfriend called it, it’s not like loosing your job, it’s more like 8 weeks of “paid vacation!” Which seemed to ring pretty true for most of last week. I cleaned, I filed, and vacuumed, I did laundry – visited friends and working out everyday…it just seemed like it was 5pm before I even blinked.

But then yesterday, while my man was working from home, I came down the stairs and he said to me “So what are you going to do today?” And there it was – he’s sitting at his kitchen surrounded in files and emails, with his attorney job in his brand new house…and there I am standing in my pajamas thinking “I have no where to be today…I have nothing to do and no where to go….I have no appointments, I have no people waiting for me….I’m just useless, and fruitless, and hopeless, and worthless…” And then came the flood of tears as I crumbled in his bathroom – proceeding to cry for the next hour or so.

Now I know that this is the part where everyone is going to comment and say “Jenni you are not worthless…bla bla bla” – and its good to hear those things, but I want to interject here that I do know it. I suppose what just surprised me the most was just that the words of one man letting me go a few weeks ago could echo so loudly in my insides. Or simply that my little notepads with my name and job title on the top of them would be so meaningful to what I have to offer the world. And we all know that our jobs don’t define us – but get laid off and I promise there will be a day where you are the a least a bit shaken.

The thing is, I’m hungry. Last year I spent 7 months looking for jobs. 3 of those months were in Canada, and when I finally had a job, there suddnely was no reason to go to Canada anymore. Thus I began the search back here in Orange County. And after that experience, I am beginning to think that there is a limit or a capacity that a person has to hearing the words “I’m sorry, you just don’t match what we are looking for.” I know it isn’t personal, or that they aren’t saying that you aren’t a great person with lots of skills – they are just saying that you aren’t THEIR great person with skills. But I think after you hear it 1,050 times (7 months x 30 days/mo. X 5 job applications/day = 1, 050 rejections) it begins to wear on you just a little bit.

I just want to be taken seriously. To have someone say to me “You know, you work hard and we really think you are a great asset to this company and we would love to continue to let you handle projects with more responsibility.” And instead, I feel like I keep getting “Can you please fax this?” Maybe I’m looking in the wrong kinds of careers, or maybe its just a little over zealous, but I am beginning to questions whether or not I am cut out for this career thing at all. And this is the thoughts that bring us to me lying on my boyfriends bathroom floor in a crumbled heap. Beautiful isn’t it?

So, today is Tuesday and a new day. I got up and went walking. And then got dressed and brushed my teeth. I sent out some applications and went to Starbucks to get a part time job before I’m declared legally insane…or clinically depressed – or both. Gotta celebrate the small victories, like my mom says. So hurray for me: I’m showered, I have make up on, and I’m getting the ball rolling.

And it is in the car on the way back from Starbucks that I am reminded of where I am at in life. Apparently teenage pop does have some vital life lessons, because Jordin Sparks essentially kicked my depressed ass:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pI-H8Vlwbck

One Step at a Time:

Hurry Up and Wait, so close but so far away. Everything that you always dreamed of – close enough for you taste, but you just touch.

So you want to show the world but no one knows your name yet, you dont know where and how you’re going to make it. You know you can if you get the chance – in your face the door keeps slammin. Now your feeling more and more frustrating, and you’re getting all kinda impatient. Watin – we live and we learn to take

One step at a time, there’s no need to rush, it’s like learning to fly or falling in love. It’s gonna happen when its supposed to happen, and we’ll find the reasons why, one step at a time.

You believe and you doubt, you’re confused and you have it all figured out. Everything that you’ve always wished for – could be yours, should be yours, would be yours, if they only knew.

So you want to show the world but no one knows your name yet, you dont know where and how you’re going to make it. You know you can if you get the chance – in your face the door keeps slammin. Now your feeling more and more frustrating, and youre getting all kinda impatient. Watin – we live and we learn to take

One step at a time, there’s no need to rush, it’s like learning to fly or falling in love. It’s gonna happen when its supposed to happen, and we’ll find the reasons why, one step at a time.

When you can’t wait any longer, but there’s no end in sight – you need to find your strength – its your faith that makes you stronger… only way we get there is one step at a time.

One step at a time, there’s no need to rush, it’s like learning to fly or falling in love. It’s gonna happen when its supposed to happen, and we’ll find the reasons why, one step at a time.

OK Jordin. Thanks for kicking my ass into shape. You may have written just be a teeny-bopper song for 14 year old…but maybe there is some profound wisdom in your words. So for today, I’ve picked myself up out of my closet – resigned to the fact that no I can’t live there no matter how many HR Recruiters tell me that I’m not qualified to do some menial task like filing or picking strawberries….because apparently in this economy you need a P.h.D to prove that you know how to turn on a computer.

And for any of you out there who know of any job openings, I have decided to that I am open to anything short of prostitution…but only because I don’t think my boyfriend would like it if I start selling myself for sex.

OK that was a joke. But I am really looking for jobs. Hook a sister up.