I recently read Rob Bell’s newest book Drops Like Stars for an interview that I’m doing. It is undescribebale. It’s actually a coffee table book, with bold pictures and artistic placement of words, and very real stories from interesting people.

There is a part at the end of the book that really has stuck with me. He’s talking about a sculptor and her love hate relationship with her art. How it’s tumultuous, painful, and agonizing. Yet she is so emotionally connected to her work, it is like its a part of her soul.

And when it is all finished, it is the pain that gives it meaning. It is the struggle for the art to come out of the clay that makes it beautiful. That the parts of the art that are tarnished and ruined are the very parts that make it valid and valuable.

It is then that Bell poses the question, “Was this sculptor really talking about art? Or is this life?”

Right in the Middle

This season has been interesting in that it has been painful. Or maybe I need to knock the words “this season” from my vocabulary, because maybe that’s just life. It’s painful. It asks a lot from us. Good lives do anyway. They’re scary. Art is scary. Doing something worthwhile is terrifying.

But I think Im in a moment where Im on the fence between beautiful and painful. I see both. I feel both. And this is one of the few moments in my life where I wouldn’t change the painful hard parts. They are so integral from this view. Taking them out of the picture would render the whole thing meaningless. The beauty has validity because it was painful. Read the rest of this entry »

I recently have discovered that I have a fascination with the word frustrated. Lately I say it a few times a day. Mostly under my breath while saying fleeting prayers, begging God to change the parts of my life that I don’t love.  “…God, I’m so frustrated…”

In a flight of curiosity, I typed each letter into dictionary.com. F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D. As I read the responding entry, I couldn’t help but feel the pit in my stomach growing larger and larger with each line.

frus⋅trate:

[fruhs-treyt] -trat⋅ed, -trat⋅ing, adjective –verb (used with object)

1. to make (plans, efforts, etc.) worthless or of no avail; defeat, nullify

2. disappointed

3. having feelings of  or filled with frustration; dissatisfied

thwart:

–verb (used with object)

1. to oppose successfully; prevent

2. to baffle ( a plan or purpose). Read the rest of this entry »

Tonight while on a jog  around the bay, the night was so clear that the moon made mirror images on the water. Seeing that it’s a full moon at the moment, it was bright and the night was purple and blue and black – some of my favorite tones.

And while I pumped out all of my energy from the day, a memory resounded through my mind. A few years ago I was in the midst of another dark night lit by only the moon. I remember this moment very vividly – not only for the emotional significance, but for the astonishingly sharp visual that seemed to pair with it. It was the middle of the night when I was en route to New Zealand. In leaving LA, I was leaving behind a host of problems, my life was essentially in wreckage, and I was holding it all together with McGiver-style bubble gum and tape. Little did I know that when I landed in New Zealand I would promptly be deconstructed and begin the process of slowly piecing my life back  together. That moment on the plane was probably one of the darkest, more anxiety ridden nights of my life.

As I flew through the dark night, thousands of feet in the air, the darkness was piercing black. But the moon was soft white, illuminating the ocean as a blanket of sparking diamonds. The night was so clear that even from my height, I could make out the tiniest islands down there in the in the massive blue, and I could see the white caps of waves washing over beaches. It was honestly one of the most beautiful sites I have seen in my life. I remember specifically with tears in my eyes I whispered under my breath, “God I don’t know where you are, and I am scared sh*tless, but here I am.” Read the rest of this entry »

Let me start this review by saying that I recommended this book to just about every Christian woman I have met this week. Yep, it’s fair to say that this is one of one of those books. You know, the book that you’ve barely finished Chapter 3 and you are already raving to your friends about, and by the time you finish it (which is most likely only 2 days after you bought it), you’ve managed to work it into every conversation – claiming that the book will change their life – regardless of their current circumstances.

Well, without sounding over zealous, I will venture to say with confidence that this book will change your life. I’ve already mentally gone down to the Christian book store and bought all of their copies for nearly every Christian woman friend that I see on a regular basis. Read the rest of this entry »

In my room I have a file. And in this file I have all sorts of “Scraps of Ideas.” They are napkins, receipts, bulletins, cards, or anything flat enough to write on when inspiration hits. I like to think of this file as the “harvesting ground” for my ideas. Inspiration comes to me in the form of little seeds. Inside the file, they grow and ripen into robust thoughts, so they can be plucked from the “Idea Tree” file and written down.

Earlier this week I was looking through the file for some places to go with this next post. I pulled out a scrap of napkin that had blue ink scribbled front and back.

This napkin spelled out sudden clarity about my plans vs. Gods plans. In that moment, I clearly was understanding that:
1) I don’t always know best.
2) Sometimes uncomfortable change is good.
3) If you demand life only on your own terms, often times you will miss the point
4) God’s master plan in this whole life is to be an epic storyteller.

Read the rest of this entry »

Unbeknownst to me, I found a nerve. To be a bit honest, it has been slightly difficult to decide how to respond. I suppose part of being a writer is asking good questions. However, at the same time, there is a person under this writers jacket – she has the tendency to be a peacemaker. I want everyone to agree, and it’s been uncomfortable to think about leaving thoughts unsettled.

All that to say, I do appreciate your feedback. Actually, I would argue that at some level – I need it. It’s important to me that what I write resonates with people – and I thank those of you who have jumped into this conversation.

Jesus and Cocktails.

One of the major comments that I received from both men and women alike when responding to the ideas of meeting guys in bars is simply this: “Can’t great guys go to bars too?” As so aptly commented by Megan, most of us hang out in bars at some point or another, whether it is once in a while or every weekend. It would seem logical then to realize that going into a bar doesn’t transform a person into something evil. And sure, nice girls and boys are still nice when they are sitting on a bar stool.

In fact, I love going out. I wouldn’t say that I have a party lifestyle these days, but I couldn’t imagine being with someone who had a problem going to clubs, or didn’t drink at all. A perk might be that they could be my designated driver all the time – so that might not be half bad; except for the part where you are always the one making an ass out of yourself – I at least like taking turns being the drunken retard. Read the rest of this entry »

Inspiration Over Breakfast. 

This morning I had breakfast with two of my favorite, fun-friends. I don’t know if you have fun-friends, but I highly recomend that you get some. They are the friends that encourage you to be glorious and goofy, honest and candid. And seemily, this is something that happens almost immediatly when meeting them. It’s almost like meeting a super hot guy that you have electrical chemistry with….excepet they are your friends, and you don’t want to make out with them. You just want breakfast and laughter with them. At least, I don’t make out with my fun friends.

Anyway, this morning we met at the Gypsie Den for breakfast. (Side note, before breakfast I got stuck in a time warp…my cell phone gitched to the wrong time, and since I am in the process of moving, it was the only clock I had. Needless to say Sophie was suprised when I called her and asked “Is is 9:42 or it is 10:21am?” Suprise, it was 10:21…which made me 20 minutes late. Oops. But clearly I had a solid excuse. “Time Warp Sophie. I can’t control the universe.”)

I realize that I love these two girls, because over 5 Grain Cereal (yes complete with puffed milk, bananas and nuts), we had conversation which moved 80 miles an hour, discussing the highs and lows of the week, relationships past, and the fact that we are fabulous (Yes, at any girls breakfast, this is a subject that does come up.) What I realized in talking to them, is that they really see me for the creative writer that I am, and encourage me to write – every day, all the time.

I left breakfast DYING to get to a computer because I felt so inspired by their thoughts. Sophie and Chris pointed out to me that I am not held captive to wearing a suit and walking into an office everday. Creativity and success can look so many different ways. And to this point I have been pushing to find a corporate job, they opened my eyes to the idea that I can persue my writing, and simply use my job as a means to a paycheck. Well, maybe a paycheck and some good writing material.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hope is a funny thing.

Tonight I went out to dinner with a friend, and we had a great conversation about the content of life. At the moment, I told her, I feel like I am on the edge of my chair. Maybe you could say that I am on the brink of change. It seems like at the end of each breath there is a small space. I would call that hope.

Hope that at the end of this thing we call life we all get what we were wanting, or if we were lucky, we got more. Hope that we get the job, that we find beautiful people to roll through the years with, that there are enough bottles of wine and warm fires for winter nights. That we have beautiful children, and awful tragedies, and at the end of it all we have enough prospective to still feel like it was all worth it.

Eggs and Honesty.

Earlier this morning, I had breakfast with my friend Andy. On Fridays we go to Yoga, and then come back to my house and I make eggs and toast. It’s glorious. In between bites of egg, I explained to him that even if it isn’t remotely true, I need to believe that I am going to get an amazing job soon. Not only that, but that I will eventually find an amazing man, that eventually my family will be a little bit more sane, and that I will find amazing roommates. Read the rest of this entry »