You see, this guy that I had been with, I thought he was brave. I thought he was adventurous. I thought he was the greatest adventurer that I had ever known. And in response, I became brave and brazen, and an adventurer. I knew to keep up with this guy, I needed to be a woman who could handle the end of the earth and more.

But then, something happened. It turns out we weren’t in the story I thought we were. No rings would be exchanged, and we wouldn’t have the ending I wanted at that time. The story as I knew it needed me to be brave in a different way than I had imagined. 

But something I learned didn’t go away after the idea of the wedding had passed. The bravery didn’t leave. The brazen woman that I had learned to become didn’t go away. I couldn’t turn off the idea that I was going to be adventurous.

This leads me to a movie. Right, I know. Most people don’t think of their life stories in turns of Disney Movies. Or, if they do, you tend to think that they are pathetic people. But I remember, back in the time when I was thinking that I was going to get married, there was a particular movie that really displayed the kind of woman that I had decided to become.

I had just gone to the midnight showing of The Pirates of the Caribbean, At World’s End.  There was a scene in the movie that literally made me tear with ambition. I remember driving home from the theatre and making an international call. I had been so inspired from the image of bravery and womanhood that I had witnessed, that I felt like an international call was in order, even though it was expensive. I had caught him late at night, but he was willing to listen to my thoughts.

The scene I am talking about is below:

The thing that got me about this clip back then was the idea that the girl wasn’t waiting to be saved. If you notice, she was just as up and prompt with her sword as he was. He would lean on her and hold her for support as he reached to fight his own battles, needing her as much as anything. And like wise, she wasn’t wearing a dress – she wasn’t waiting in distress, she wasn’t literally needing to be saved. Instead she had her own weapon. She knew how to fight. She was just as much apart of the romance and drama as he was.

The funny thing  about that particular relationship is that it didn’t work out. I learned how to be brave, and yet, I’m not married. Which, if you ask me is just fine. But I did learn something that lasted me much longer than the relationship. I learned how to be an Elizabeth Swan. To be brazen. To have my own sword. To take off the dress and engage in the fight of life. To hold my man with as much support and strength as I could muster, knowing that the fight and the adventure were my part as much as they are his.

So, in light of the pirate ways, I toast to Elizabeth Swan. Cheers to the woman who inspired me to be a real woman long before I needed to be one. A woman who showed me feminine strength even before I knew what I was going to be strong for. Women, we are needed with spines of steel -  but yet spines of steel clothed in flesh and softness.

Let us not forget that. In the stories of adventure, we have a key role to play out. Yet, we have to brave and graceful. Not simply brave alone – but brave and beautiful…even while holding a sword and wearing pirate pants.

The Bachelor is like Socially Acceptable Polygamy

Give it several weeks and an “After the Rose Ceremony” scandal later- I think we are all beginning to realize the depth of the sick and twisted show we have created. After seeing this season’s finale, we are all thinking along the same lines as Lincee,  The Bachelor’s long time Recapping blogger: “Can we get the ABC psychotherapist over here please?“

Many people have argued, “I’m sure it was all in the contracts for Jason to have to show everything on camera, and it wasn’t really his fault.” In some ways, I am sure they are right. After all, ABC is like any other corporation – they are about MAKING MONEY. They don’t care about feelings,  people, and the right things to do- at the end of the day, it’s the ratings that matter. I’d love to say that there are other corporations that look beyond those things, but in reality,  it’s the “Show me the money” mentality that really makes the world go round.

So, here is my question. At what point did we fail to recognize this image: 

is UNCANNILY similar to the show about Fundamentalist Mormons who actively practice polygamy:

See the resemblance? And while we all turn our noses up at the Fundamentalist LDS hiding away in Utah, saying that they are sick and gross…every week we faithfully tune into The Bachelor to watch women struggle for power by seeking the favor in the eyes of one man. (And by we, I mean me. It’s a car wreck, and I can’t seem to look away).

I know we aren’t supposed to get this riled up about a TV show, but I think there is so much going on here below the surface, it’s unbelievable.

First of all, I’d like to point out, that if the producers of ABC did this intentionally, they are amazing. And disgusting. Maybe the actions of this season was a ploy. Maybe ABC has decided to capitalize on the emotional that all women have in common: the ability to hate men just a little bit. I’m not saying that all men are chauvinistic pigs. What I am saying is that all women have had interactions with men being chauvinistic pigs. Rejected because “I’m sorry, I’m still in love with someone else,” or being told “I’m sorry, I just can’t do this.” (Funny, my last two relationships ended one of those two phrases.)

If someone at ABC realized this, and decided to “Creatively” move the show in a direction in an attempt to strike on those chords in The Bachelor viewing population…that is pure genius. Manipulative  and sickening. But still genious. You may think that I am taking this too far, but honestly, working in corporate America I know first HAND that what really matters is the green. And if we can push rules or break hearts to get it, we will.

Secondly, let us all agree that JASON IS A TOOL. This should come as no surprise to any of us. As so aptly put by my friend Jeff, “Whatever man can look at a room full of women and say ‘my future wife is in this room.’ is a tool.” Agreed.

Breaking up with someone on public television? I think our hearts ALL broke for Melissa a little bit. It was clear that she was genuine when she agreed to the show. She felt real emotions. And contract or no contract, it is obvious that she got the short end of the stick.
Starting a new relationship with Molly? Seriously? We couldn’t even wait a commerical break after ending your engagement to start a new relationship? Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

But here is the part that makes me FURIOUS: YOU HAVE A THREE YEAR OLD SON. So, going on the show the first time with Deanna wasn’t enough time and disruption into your son’s life, you had to go again for a second round. Do you know what kind of mental damage you can do to a three year old, showing him that love is a game show? And Jason stands up there, talking about Ty like he is the world to him…yet he had no issues with taking 2 seasons worth of shooting time away from “his little boy.” Right. Which makes you a tool.

Third, why is it the girls that always have to be so sure?  Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that we have got it all backward. Having roomfuls of women waiting to be with a man, fawning over his ever move doesn’t seem to motivate him to pursue. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but when a guy finds me interesting or cute, ask me on a date. Yes you should be nervous. It’s called a risk. And yes I am worth taking that risk. I hate it how in the show,  the girls to have prove that they are sooo sure, having NO doubts that he is the one! Yet, he can turn around and say “Gee Melissa, your parents didn’t want to meet me. Now I’m really having doubts that you are committed. I don’t know if I can propose to you know.”

Aren’t we supposed to have doubts? Isn’t that part of the journey? Aren’t we suppose to have doubts and take risks, trusting when its hard and letting people see your uglies? Then you hope to God that your uglies aren’t bad enough to scare them away. That’s called a R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P.  As an old date of mine used to say, “You simply need to meet someone who is willing and able to deal with your demons.” Too bad we didn’t work out…he was one smart guy.

Did it ever dawn on the women that ABC was paying for all of these romantic excursions, and maybe in real life Jason was cheap?I want to know what happens when they get back to Seattle, and Molly is going, “Where’s the limo Jason? I want to ride downtown to pick out a new dress so we can fly to Paris for dinner.” And Jason is going, “Sorry Molly, I don’t have any money. I had to quit my job to do two seasons of  The Bachelor, so…how do you like Top Ramen?”

All in all, we all know that The Bachelor is a train wreck. Usually, I just avoid it all together. If I wanted to barf once a week, I could take up bulimia. This season however, I chose to have it induced every Monday night. And even though the girls signed up for a train wreck, I really do feel for Melissa. I hope she finds love. The real kind. The “you look like shit and smell awful…but come here let me kiss you” kind.

I suppose the only thing that could redeem this season is knowing the Jillian is going to be the Bachelorette next season. She kicks ass.

It’s been 12 weeks.  That’s 3 months. That’s means when you balance the two out, I have more months than money.   I’m officially bleeding red, and waiting ever so patiently for Unemployment Insurance to get their act together and send me a check in the mail (yes, somehow all of my paper work has gotten lost, twice, and 12 weeks later I’m checking the mail box like an anxious 5 year old).

Let me not get sidetracked. The issue of being broke is, obviously, associated with being unemployed.  Thankfully, a simple check from Unemployment will clear that up. What cannot be resolved with a check  is the new mindset slowly developing as the unemployed weeks pass. You see, I was fortunate to have been given the expert services of Lee Hetch Harrison.  They are an executive placement company that has mastered the technique of job searching, and they offer resources that I could not put a price on (although, I’m sure they do have prices attached somewhere).  LHH has been a critical part of discovering what goes on in the mind of “The Unemployed,” as I am not only completing their program myself, but I am also spending the majority of the day with other unemployed individuals.

There is an office that I go to a few times a week. I get dressed in a suit, wave at the receptionist, make coffee, call contacts, read emails, and schmooze around the “water cooler.” I even attend meetings! Although these things may look and feel much like a job – dear friend don’t be fooled. The only payment from these efforts will be the payoff of a job offer.

Now, part of the program is my Job Search Work Team that meets every week. They are amazing. Each week we come in with our charts and notebooks and papers, feeling important…or trying to feign importance. We go around the room and talk about how many contacts we have made that week, who we spoke with, and upcoming highlights. We discuss job postings  (and believe me, at times there aren’t many), interviews, and troubleshoot sticky situations that might arise.   This week, one of my favorite characters, a gay writer (of course),  makes the most insightful comment as we are walking into the meeting room.

 “Why is it that not having a job just seems to bring out all of my insecurities? God! Going on a job interview makes me feel like an anxious 16 year old on a first date all over again!”

He’s RIGHT!

Not having a job is like going through a break up every single day. You may think I am being dramatic, but I am not kidding!

• Pouring through Internet sites, looking for potential new jobs that would be a “good match“…sound like match.com anyone?
• Going on that first interview, where you are looking to have “Chemistry” with a company – they need to like you, you need to  like them, you need to value the same things, and you need to see eye to eye on the important things.
• They say they’ll call, and you wait by the phone…for what feels like FOREVER.
• Even if the job isn’t the right “fit” for you, and you KNOW you don’t want to work there, it still hurts to be told no.  “I want to break up with them first!” Sound familiar? (yeah, its called my Friday night last week).
• If you have good “chemistry” with HR, they ask you on a second date, I mean interview…but this time with the hiring manager. Talk about pressure!
• Sometimes they bring in a “Panel Interview.” Is this like  the “Want to meet my family?” conversation that inevitably comes up too early in dating?
• When you get all the way through the Panel Interview, and they DON”T offer you the job, there is always going to be some friend consoling you over lunch or drinks, telling you “Honey, you didn’t want to work for them anyway. I bet that guy was an asshole!”
• And even if they give you a job offer (which is like an engagement ring) – it has a numerical value tied to how much they like you. It’s called your salary. Or your carat size. Same difference.

In short, being unemployed can make you resilient,  or it can destroy you. I suppose whichever one comes first. As I sit every morning, pouring over my “Positioning statement” (I am a highly proficient business professional with expertise in communication both written and verbal…), I can’t help but feel like a sixteen year old girl, staring in the mirror saying “I’m pretty, and funny, and smart, and cute, and outgoing…” and trying to make myself believe it.

Maybe Prince Charming is out there. Maybe right now, he’s sitting at a restaurant table and sharing a laugh and a drink with my future boss.  Maybe they’re buddies. Maybe they both don’t know it, but I’m sitting here, waiting to have the chance to radically change both of their worlds.

Until I find the road to that restaurant table to schmooze with my future life, I suppose I’ll keep looking, all the while reciting to myself …

“I’m a beautiful business professional, who’s great at being a girlfriend and has expertise in communication, both written and verbal…”