In my room I have a file. And in this file I have all sorts of “Scraps of Ideas.” They are napkins, receipts, bulletins, cards, or anything flat enough to write on when inspiration hits. I like to think of this file as the “harvesting ground” for my ideas. Inspiration comes to me in the form of little seeds. Inside the file, they grow and ripen into robust thoughts, so they can be plucked from the “Idea Tree” file and written down.

Earlier this week I was looking through the file for some places to go with this next post. I pulled out a scrap of napkin that had blue ink scribbled front and back.

This napkin spelled out sudden clarity about my plans vs. Gods plans. In that moment, I clearly was understanding that:
1) I don’t always know best.
2) Sometimes uncomfortable change is good.
3) If you demand life only on your own terms, often times you will miss the point
4) God’s master plan in this whole life is to be an epic storyteller.

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Unbeknownst to me, I found a nerve. To be a bit honest, it has been slightly difficult to decide how to respond. I suppose part of being a writer is asking good questions. However, at the same time, there is a person under this writers jacket – she has the tendency to be a peacemaker. I want everyone to agree, and it’s been uncomfortable to think about leaving thoughts unsettled.

All that to say, I do appreciate your feedback. Actually, I would argue that at some level – I need it. It’s important to me that what I write resonates with people – and I thank those of you who have jumped into this conversation.

Jesus and Cocktails.

One of the major comments that I received from both men and women alike when responding to the ideas of meeting guys in bars is simply this: “Can’t great guys go to bars too?” As so aptly commented by Megan, most of us hang out in bars at some point or another, whether it is once in a while or every weekend. It would seem logical then to realize that going into a bar doesn’t transform a person into something evil. And sure, nice girls and boys are still nice when they are sitting on a bar stool.

In fact, I love going out. I wouldn’t say that I have a party lifestyle these days, but I couldn’t imagine being with someone who had a problem going to clubs, or didn’t drink at all. A perk might be that they could be my designated driver all the time – so that might not be half bad; except for the part where you are always the one making an ass out of yourself – I at least like taking turns being the drunken retard. Read the rest of this entry »

Friday morning I was having a breakfast meeting with a friend of mine who is starting a non-profit with a few women I know. Her organization loves my writing style, and has decided to give me the gift of forming their communication initiatives. So over coffee and computers, we began to discuss our very business oriented agenda.

Somewhat unexpected to us, our business became pushed aside as two girls walked into the house (I’ve just recently moved, and I am currently living with a friend). Both girls were young, just barely in their twenties. One had a mostly shaved head, except for strategic patches of longer hair, making a perfectly good Mohawk. Her girlfriend had pink hair with neon yellow sections. One had a tattoo on her forearm, and both of them had facial piercings. They greeted us and asked for my host, saying that they’d made plans for breakfast.

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Yep, today we’re talking about boys. Oh-la-la, my favorite subject.

The Background Story

On Valentine’s Day, as you might have read, I found myself single. So, I did what any sensible, sexy, single gal does: I went dancing with the girls at the  Heat Ultra Lounge in Anahiem. It was legit. Hot guys, great drinks, and a kickin lounge. I probably will make a point to go back.

Now, what happened over the next few hours was playful, fun, and surprising – even to yours truly who is a clubbing veteran. I went with a group of girls who are outgoing, flirty and cute as all get up. At the same time, they are some of the strongest, godliest, amazing, “I know who I am and I’m going somewhere” women as well. Let’s put it this way – I wouldn’t have tagged ANY of them to be the type to give any club-guy their phone numbers. Nor would I have said that I am a person who gives out my number either. In fact, I have a designated fake number like any smart party girl does (which consequently is only a few digits off my real number –  you know, in case Ive had too much to drink and cannot hammer out a whole new fake number).

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Inspiration Over Breakfast. 

This morning I had breakfast with two of my favorite, fun-friends. I don’t know if you have fun-friends, but I highly recomend that you get some. They are the friends that encourage you to be glorious and goofy, honest and candid. And seemily, this is something that happens almost immediatly when meeting them. It’s almost like meeting a super hot guy that you have electrical chemistry with….excepet they are your friends, and you don’t want to make out with them. You just want breakfast and laughter with them. At least, I don’t make out with my fun friends.

Anyway, this morning we met at the Gypsie Den for breakfast. (Side note, before breakfast I got stuck in a time warp…my cell phone gitched to the wrong time, and since I am in the process of moving, it was the only clock I had. Needless to say Sophie was suprised when I called her and asked “Is is 9:42 or it is 10:21am?” Suprise, it was 10:21…which made me 20 minutes late. Oops. But clearly I had a solid excuse. “Time Warp Sophie. I can’t control the universe.”)

I realize that I love these two girls, because over 5 Grain Cereal (yes complete with puffed milk, bananas and nuts), we had conversation which moved 80 miles an hour, discussing the highs and lows of the week, relationships past, and the fact that we are fabulous (Yes, at any girls breakfast, this is a subject that does come up.) What I realized in talking to them, is that they really see me for the creative writer that I am, and encourage me to write – every day, all the time.

I left breakfast DYING to get to a computer because I felt so inspired by their thoughts. Sophie and Chris pointed out to me that I am not held captive to wearing a suit and walking into an office everday. Creativity and success can look so many different ways. And to this point I have been pushing to find a corporate job, they opened my eyes to the idea that I can persue my writing, and simply use my job as a means to a paycheck. Well, maybe a paycheck and some good writing material.

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A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward.

Jean Paul Richter (1763 -1825)

 You might look at this statement and wonder which of the three possible character qualities you have. You might think out several examples of times were you’ve had  to face your fears to pin point real life examples of who you might be. Or like me, you might just automatically say, “I’m courageous,” thinking you are a brave person with a good conscious. And also like me….you could be wrong.

Last night I went out to dinner with some friends. And the plan was to go for a 10-Mile-Midnight-Jog around the bay. Admittedly, after a lamb souvlaki platter, the idea of midnight running brought to mind this image:

 But I’m athletic and always up for something fun. It didn’t take long though, before others in my party began seeing the same outcome and the idea was nixed.

So around midnight, we were leaving my friend’s house. And seeing that parking in apartment complexes around here is not always easy, we had to walk across a parking lot to get to my car. Suddenly, from down a dark corridor off to my right, comes a white and black dog running full speed at us – barking, gnarling, bearing it’s teeth, foaming at the mouth. I screamed. And as it got closer and showed no sign of stopping, I was sure we were going to get attacked. And get rabbis. And die. A horrible death.

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          Last night my sister came over to my house, as we watched a movie. Now, I am not normally a girl who is not into Romantic Comedies at all.  Movies are one thing that my roommate and I will never see eye to eye on – she loves “RomComs”, I hate them. And it’s not that I’m cynic or anything. I really do believe that true love is out there. It’s just normally I can’t get past the awful writing. Holes in the plot, formulaic story structures…they feel like a corporate version of art. But…I lose myself. That is a conversation for another day.

Last night, my sister came over and we watched What Happens in Vegaswith Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher.

The premise of the movie was exactly what you think it should be: two attractive people meet in Vegas, get blitzed and then get hitched. It gets a little complicated when Jack (played by Kutcher), wins 3 million dollars at a slot machine right after consenting to annul the marriage with Joy (played by Diaz). Considering his new found wealth and their marital status, Joy decides she is entitled to half of the money. In a messy judge ruling, they have to spend 6 months together working out the “marriage” before they are allowed to separate and split the winnings. The rest is history – boy gets girl, boy looses girl, boy gets girl back. And they all learn something about themselves in the process. Basic obnoxious chick flick.

But the part that really caught me what this line:

 ”You are planning to plan.”

You see,  Joy is a character much like myself. She is a strong, independent woman with a professional career on Wall Street. (ok, so we are kind of similar…she’s a professional…I have no job…but go with me on this one).  She is constantly spending time trying to be everything. She is beautiful, chipper, the perfect girlfriend, and pushing for a promotion at her Wall Street job. Sound familiar? How about my entry on Dos Equis, and trying to be interesting?

A few times in the movie, a pivotal statement pointed out to her is “You are planning to plan,” showing her exactly how deep her need for control and perfection really go. Ouch.

So, here I sit, a day after watching this mediocre movie, and I cannot get this line out of my head. And while planning and control are things that I struggle with in general, it seems to be an awkward number considering everything that I have going on. It’s a little hard to plan when you don’t have a  job, and you don’t know where you are going to be living in three weeks.  And these are just the struggles with planning out the next several months.

Beyond months, I realize that I am up in the air for the next several years.  In being unemployed, and at a critical point in my career life, I realize that the next position that I undertake can have substantial impact. At the moment,  I have several things percolating, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I had a job offer on the table here before too long. There are several potential positions staring me right in the face: Marketing Analyst for a health care group, Admission Coordinator at a University, Admin at a major sport brand…each one of these options makes my head spin. Because they are different pieces, of different plans that don’t really fit together.

In realizing these planning fears and frustations, I come to the pinnacle when it comes to one important piece of  paper. My resume haunts me. And for one reason: A resume is a story teller. It shows potential employers where you have gone, what skills you have gained, and where you would like to go (hopefully, into their company).  But, if you are like me, your resume doesn’t one clear success story. Instead, I have what my dad so aptly stated “A smattering of experiences.” I have some HR work, I have sales, I have administrative….and when I think about it, I’m still under the heat of the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?”

By this point in time, I’d hoped that I would be grown up. And well into my career. But the reality is, there are people out there that look at my resume and say, “Oh, so you are still green. We have a great entry level job for you.”

And while I am humble enough to realize that I don’t know everything when it comes to the career word, I’m a little bit beyond answering phones and typing out emails for my boss. When I’m really honest with myself, I realize that my dad knows more about my hopes and dreams than I do. Because aside from telling me that I have a “smattering” of experience, he also reminds me that I have always known what I want to do.

“That’s easy.” He says, “You want to run the show. You always have, and now its just a matter of figuring out how.”

He’s totally right. I’m writer, that’s obvious. I’m a story teller, and a communicator. I’m visual. I’m into graphics and photography. I’m a coordinator. I’m a schmoozer. I have friends. I’m really great at networking. I’m smart and analytical. I’m structured. I’m inventive. I’m tenacious. I want to be the boss.

And I’m a planner. Like Joy, I can get paralyzed by planning to plan, and forgetting to let life happen. I get so stuck in the dissonance between who I am, and what my resume is not, that I forget to move forward. Instead I look at the possible job offers, where they are located, what apartments are near there, what the responsibilities of the position are, how much it is going to pay, and how that next entry on my resume is going to effect the next five years. It’s beyond exhausting, it’s ridiculous.

And althought the movie was stupid in my opinion, I know Joy found herself by getting lost. By letting go of the need to be “everything” she found what she was really looking for. I’m almost embarassed that I am finding so much deep truth out of such an awful movie. But, embarassing or not, there is truth in that. To realize that I know 40-somethings who still don’t know what they are doing, and have resumes that make them absolute failures on paper. But in real life they aren’t failures as corporate America might call them; they aren’t paralyzed like me either – they are just free. Free to make mistakes, and fail, and work at jobs that they love and don’t care if the world never thinks they are important.

I think I’d like to get there. When I’m honest, I’m already drafting a plan on how to get there in the back of my mind even as I am typing. Maybe the question now is just…

Is it ok to plan not to plan?

On Wednesday, my friend Dave calls me and says, “Hey Jenni, let’s go for a bike ride.” Awesome. I’m always up for something outdoors and athletic to get me away from melting in front of my computer screen. I was thinking our ride would look something like this:

But, much to my surprise, I showed up at Dave’s house and he looked a little bit more like this:

Ok, so I was caught a little bit off guard. But I am an easy going gal, and even though I was in climbing pants and approach shoes I figured “What the heck?” I got on the bike as Dave proceeded to tell me that we were going to do a twenty mile loop around Huntington Beach and Bolsa Chica.

Twenty Miles.

Ok, for those of you who ride bikes a lot, you might be rolling your eyes at me. Apparently, riding twenty miles for bikes is the equivalent of running 5 miles. Easily done. Right.

Seven miles in, Dave stops me, telling me that his bike is wobbling, and that he needs to check the tires. Yep, you guessed it. Tire blown. We back tracked a little down to a gas station to see if we could fill the tire, and make it back to the house on a slow leak. But, to no avail, 15 minutes after filling, he was wobbling all over again.

So, twenty mile bike route turns to walking….while pushing bikes. And keep in mind, I am in approach shoes.

   <- Yeah, NOT a running shoe.

But, at this point we are on the beach, and it is a gorgeous day. Phenomenal. And I’m easy going, and athletic. So….we walk. We walk like NINE miles.  And at some point, I notice that the sun is going down – and I have to be somewhere at 6:30. Right – I am not going to make it. So I ask Dave…”At what point do we turn around? Or loop back up towards your house?”

“Oooooooh!” He says, we needed to turn around like 5 miles back that way.

Seriously.

So, around we turn (only after stopping for smoothies at Jamba Juice – where Dave got some healthy orange drink, and I got a chocolate-banana-peanut butter glory shake…which I found out later had NINE HUNDRED CALORIES in it…..barf.)

At this point it’s dark. And clear that we aren’t going to make it. And now that we have biked, and walked….it’s time for the third leg of our new kind of triathlon…. RIDING THE BUS. I’m even cracking up as I write this. Yes, waited at a bus stop, and loaded our cycles into the rack on the front of the bus so we could be shuttled home.

But here’s the best part – while loading our bikes, I was having a hard time getting my bike onto the rack. SO… I apparently stepped into on coming traffic. How did I know this? Because the bus driver lays on the horn and starts screaming at me to get out of the street.  And later, while trying to buy a ticket (thanks Dave – I’ve never taken public transport before and had NO idea what I was doing), he screams at Dave for taking too long! Dave says “Sorry, I just can’t find where the coins go…”

He replies, “In the coin slot.”

Again – not a joke.

It is only after being yelled at one last time for not being “far back enough” (?? Yeah, I still don’t know what he was talking about), before we were seated, situated, and I started looking around the bus. In case you didn’t realize, the weirdest people in the world ride the bus. You had classic Asian Lady-that-wouldn’t-stop-talking, big haired lady, Mexican day laborers, crazy bike man….a whole slew of characters.

It is then that it dawns on me. I want to write about the bus. I want to ride the bus every day, and write about what I see. I mean, as a writer, I don’t think you can get better material. I want to know what big-haired lady thinks, and I want to tell the stories of Mexican Day Laborer. Yep.

So, fan and readers of all kinds, be on the look out. Sometime in the near future, Cherry Blossom Thoughts is about to undergo a big change. Let’s call it a face lift. And hopefully more than just new graphics, we will have some great new content and stories on their way.

And for my adventure with Dave…

Who says that Triathlons can’t be a Bike, a Walk and a Bus Ride?

I realized something the other day. I don’t have a Valentine this year. And that should come as no shock….I’m single. But the part that was shocking to me was thinking back over the years, and realizing that even though I have dated a lot and come close to walking down the isle with a person….somehow I haven’t had a date for Valentines Day since I was like 2o. Seriously!

Is it realistic to think that a person could date on and off throughout her life, and consequently, somehow be single before February hits? I want to feel jipped…except for the part where I don’t.

This year, I find myself in a really awkward place when it comes to dating, men, and heart shaped boxes of candy. See, between loosing my job in November, and ending a decently great relationship – I feel that I am in a state of flux. You could almost say that it has spurred on a re-inventing of myself. Except, I don’t feel like I had myself “wrong” before, I just feel like I am getting myself more “right” than I have ever had it before. Even my roomate made the comment tonight, “Wow, it just seemed that you are really confident and comfortable with who you are – not just in your identity, but who you are as a professional career woman.”

That was really refreshing to hear.

Where Valentines comes in is like this – my neighbor upstairs just got engaged today. My roommate is most likely going to be engaged before the summer….along with like 3 of my close friends. And not just that I feel “left out” of the dating band-wagon, but there are moments in my life when I look around, and I am just struck with this core realization that feels like, “Man, its a tragedy that it is just me in this. I’d LOVE to have someone at just this moment.”

I’m not lonely in the way that I want someone to hug or to kiss or something. It’s more fundamental than that. It seems that I have a lot going on, and somehow it feels weird climbing into my king sized bed alone every night.

But, it’s a tension.

There are moments, when I am reaching into who I am as a writer, a designer, a creative, as a girl standing in the pouring rain, as a climber, as a runner, as a professional, as an unemployed woman, as an independent person, as a broke person scared shitless – there are moments where another person would just  wreck  it. It’s gorgeous because it’s just me and the wind – you know?

I have resolved to this: I’m not against dating right now. Self admittedly, I would love to have a man in my life. But, I’m realizing that I’m beautiful, and interesting, and incredibly busy getting on with my crazy, scary, unexplainable adventure of a life. And if a beautiful man walks in the door that is nothing short of wonderful – a true gentleman, lovely and in pursuit of something genuine – I’m in with both feet. But I think if were anything short of that, I might have to just push on my way. There’s a whole world out there waiting. And I’m incredibly excited to introduce it to the woman that I am becoming.

I guess that leaves me Un-valentined this year. Again. And in the beautiful tradgety, I can’t help but smile…just a little bit. 

Over the past few days, at various Christmas parties and get togethers, I have had lots of people asking me, “So Jenni, how are you doing?”

This is a very akward question to answer at this point. I’ve been without a job for about 6 weeks now, and I’ve about a month out of a relationship. Its Christmas, and everyday I am strategically planning my days to ensure that I avoid the big “D”.

Depression.

My mother keeps insisting that I call my doctor and ask to be put on medication. She says , “It will be easier to overcome these challenges and function efficiently if you feel better!” Which I can’t help at laugh at.

“Mom, I don’t need Prozac. I need my life to quit sucking.”

I really don’t have trouble with anger or frustration when I have an income and a busy schedule…its kinda funny how that works out. But ok mom, thanks for the suggestion.

Last week I was sent to a “Marking Seminar” on how to network and get your message out that I am looking for a job. It actually was really great, and had a lot of very useful information. Not to mention that it helps with moral to feel like you have somewhere to go when you wake up in the morning.

One of the things that the instructor had mentioned was the idea of making lemonade. We all know the famous, and mainly overused statement,

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

Here’s a little secret: making lemonade blows. No one likes to do it. In fact, I could argue that it is just plain awful. But here’s another little secret: you don’t have any other option.

Short of crawling in to your closet and ceasing to exists, you have to grab a some sugar, a knife, your lemons,  and start cutting. There may be moments where you would rather grab the knife and slice your wrists – but honestly, no one likes bloody lemonade.

So, now that we are about at the month marker of my officially being shitty, let me tell you about some of lemonade moments that I have encountered.

1) My girlfriend Roxie had a baby in the beginning of November. Taylor Evangeline is the most precious and amazing event that I have encountered in my entire life. Not having a job has meant that I have been able to have a front row seat into the miracle of childbirth, babies, and new motherhood. Its indescribable.

2) As most of you know, I’m a writer. (haha, duh). Not having a job has helped me to take a moment to seriously consider the possibility of changing careers. We all know that I wasn’t a very good admin (no kidding, I got canned!!) and now I have been exploring the idea of publishing, marketing, design layout…its amazing. I actually signed up to take a class at Saddleback College in magazine journalism starting next month. Now if I couldn’t only figure out a way to get paid to do all of this….

3) If you haven’t met my grandma, you are missing out on the world’s coolest person. She is amazing, and brave and courageous, and I have been taking her to acupuncture appointments two times a week. Which to her is THE most loving thing a person can do. She wrote me this card that said in Spanish “thank you for giving me the precious gift of your time.”…what she doesn’t know is that I’m actually getting the better end of the deal!

4) Language development. I have long since wanted to be fluent in Spanish. Hanging out with G-ma means that lately my Spanish has been kick ass.

5) Making new friends. Part of having more time means that I have been trying to meet people like crazy. Do you have friends that I can meet? Great! Cause I want to know them! I realize how easy it is to become comfortable with those who know us well, and never stop to see if there are other neat people we can know. Its been exhilarating and fresh to meet all kinds of great new people.

6) Old friends. Nothing is better than telling an old friend “I’m still just feeling really lonely.” And then having her plan a party/get together for that weekend. I really do have some of the most caring and loving people in my life, and it has been a blessing to struggle in their presence.

7) Then there are all of the little joys: finding out that I can make free business cards, going to the 5.10 outlet for new climbing shoes in the middle of the week, writing tons, searching the Internet for great Christmas Eve Dinner recipes…the list goes on forever.

In the end, making lemonade is uncomfortable. Having things go wrong is uncomfortable. Having to tell people that you feel awful is uncomfortable.  But the older I get, the more that I am learning that a big portion of life is dealing with hardship. Problems that aren’t your fault, and injustices that happen to befall on your plate. We don’t get to change or control the fact that life REALLY sucks sometimes.

The only thing we control is us; our responses to the tragedies and injustice. And for me, there are two things that I need: to maintain hope, and the ability to resist bitterness.

Which I heard somewhere that making lemonade is really simple….those are the only two ingredients that you need.