“As He Gazes Toward the Horizon…”
I just had a weekend that is in the process of wrecking me.
It’s interesting that I spend half my time writing about how God is absent, how He doesn’t provide, and how I’m questioning if He really is who he says He is. Then, I’m proved wrong. He shows up, changes things more quickly than I’m ready for, and I’m frantic, just now it’s about what I’m supposed to do, instead of who God is.
This weekend I cannot help but feel like the gauntlet was thrown. Like the year that stretched out behind me was leading to decisions, and suddenly someone walked into my somewhat suspended life and said, “Jenni, it’s time.”
As in time for me to get up off the chair and start doing what I have been crying to do all year. And you know what my response is? Is it joy, and thanks, and relief? Wouldn’t that make me a nice person? Nope. I’m not nice. Instead, I cling to my chair and stammer, “But wait, this is all happening so fast! I don’t know if I’m ready! I don’t know what this is going to look like! Can’t I have more time?”
Don Miller Packs A Punch
As many of you might know, Miller’s new book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years comes out this week, and he is in the midst of his book tour. I’m a fanatic, so I went to two of their shows. HNB, playing his role as the amazing boyfriend, got me a signed copy of his book. Which, I did start reading last night, and I can tell you it’s going to surpass all of our Miller expectations. And if I can enter one advertisement, if Miller and Susan Isaacs ( I did a book review of her book, Angry Conversations with God: A Snarky but Authentic Spiritual Memoir
At one moment in Miller’s presentation, he is talking about the makings of a good story. When we make movies, there are certain principals that have to be there. One of them is plot line. And he said this phrase that has been stuck in my head since Friday.
He said, “In any movie there is a moment, when the hero looks toward the horizon, and decides that he wants something. He has a goal. And there has to be conflict to get there. He’s going to have to fight for it. It has to be a goal worth the fight.”
Why do those words haunt me? Because for the last year I have been fighting and grappling for my plot line. There have been seasons in my life where the plot and the goal was obvious: I went to college and got two degrees in four years and walked out with honors. Good job Jenni. I recklessly bought a ticket to New Zealand and spent 6 months overseas after college without a blink of an eye. It changed the trajectory of my life.
But this season, dang I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve been floating. I’ve been wrestling for a year. And not just the professionalism part. Not just for a job to make money. For a direction, for a story, for a plot that is worth the fight.
So why is it then, that when I get a good hard look at that beautiful horizon line that I simply want to run back to my arm chair? I don’t want to speak the words out? That deciding to pick up the script and have a beautiful role in this story just seems too grandiose? That there is a real possibility of failure and hurt?
I don’t think I could look at myself in the mirror if I stayed in the brown armchair. I know I need to get my cahones about me. But, wow, does that thought wreck me.
What is wrecking you? What does your horizon look like? Are you in the midst of a great story? What are you waiting for?
Hang on honey, the best is yet to come. This is so you! I still remember watching in you at 18 months old tackle a 1/2 round monkey bar…the rainbow shape kind. You stared at it for a few minutes. Put one foot on the first bar, grabbed the second bar with two hands and pulled yourself up. After shaking there for a few seconds you very methodically started to go up, not know where you were going. You just wanted to go on an adventure. You went up, over and stopped at the top, 6 feet above the ground. My friend had to keep me from rescuing you. “She can do it, just stand under her.” “OK mom, don’t hyperventilate, she can do it,” I repeated to myself. Then just as slow and methodical as you went up, you came down…scared as heck! Your face proved it.
But, when you got down and your feet touched the sand, your hand shot up, your face beamed and your feet did the happiest, most exuberant happy dance I have ever seen.
Yes, I know this change is what you wanted but sometimes it is scary to get what one wants. It will be so worth it. I promise. Keep reaching for the stars Jenni, the best is yet to come. Only those who dare to dream and press through the fear of getting what we want ever end up with stories worth writing about