Mirror Mirror on the Wall…
This January I began something awful. I began a process of a slow awakening. The more awake I am becoming, the more I hate what I am finding. But at this point, I don’t know what’s worse – facing the ugliness or deciding to go back to sleep.
In January I was leaving a friend’s house late at night and driving down the 5 Freeway. We had just had a conversation about our friendship. It turns out that even though we’ve been friends for years, we weren’t quite as close as she’d thought we would be. She was disappointed that we hadn’t grown closer over the years, and I was grappling to explain the distance between us.
I couldn’t dodge the fact that while my friend was explaining her disappointment, I compulsively felt the need fix her feelings on the spot. I wanted to differentiate myself from our other friends that had also hurt her feelings, and show her with my actions “I’m not like them. I’m different. See, let’s still be friends.”
The ride home from her house was probably the most difficult car rides that I have had in a long time. I kept thinking, “What is it that makes me want her to like me so badly?” And suddenly there was the truth staring me in the face.
Oh, my God. I am selfish.
“I love her because of how she makes me feel.” I don’t love her for who she is, purely and simply – rather, I love her because she makes me feel good.
With that, images of friends began to scroll through my mind – like Facebook on a ticker tape. And with each new face that clicked by, I realized that I felt the same way about them as well. Out of all of the people that I know, friends that I hang out with, sip coffee and cocktails with, I could gather maybe 5 that I just loved because they were who they are.
I literally cried the entire way home. I cried for the black heart I have. I cried because I’m bad at seeing people. I’m bad at listening. I’m bad at asking questions. I’m bad at caring. I’m bad at appreciating. I’m bad at sharing.
By the time I pulled up to my house, tears streaming down my face, I couldn’t for the life of me understand why someone would want to be my friend. “If they only knew the truth,” I thought, “I would be friendless in a matter of moments.”
Friends with Benefits.
Flash forward a few months later, and the reality of my heart has begun to rear its ugly head again. Just last week, I’ve had two of my friends get into little “talks” with me.
Both of them are women who have loved me, carried me, listened to me, and opened their hearts to me in my times of weakness and hurt. They have thrown parties for me in times of joy, and wiped my tears in times of laughter.
Suddenly, it has been my turn to be the supportive one, to cheer them on, wipe tears and show up with ice cream. I have failed them both. One of them even said to me, “Jenni, I’m kinda going through a lot right now, I’m sorry I just can’t listen to your stories today.”
Ouch. There it is again.
“Jenni you’re selfish. Can you please see beyond your own nose?”
Again, I wept upon seeing it. I wept because I hurt people out of my weakness. It’s one thing to be bad at something that doesn’t matter. This isn’t something like dieting. If you’re bad at dieting, it doesn’t make your friends or lovers cry when you forgo carrots for fries and beer. This is something more serious. When you have parts of you that are jaded, broken, or weak – it’s awful to know that those failures can hurt people you love.
A good friend of mine has often said, “Friends hold mirrors for one another. We show you what is already there.” Sometimes this can mean seeing that you are stronger than you thought you were – or like this time, it can mean seeing things you hate. Seeing honest parts. Parts so honest, that we are afraid to utter them under our breath even when we know no one is listening.
So in light of all this, I am still a bit of a question mark. I’m not completely sure of how to move forward.
How do we become better people? Is looking in the mirror the first step toward changing? Are we destined to have dark hearts and hope that people still love us anyway?
I’m going to hope so – because of if not, me and my ugly heart might be a pretty lonely person.
Looks like its time to stop being the center of attention and time to actually pay attention to those you care about. Remember everything revolves around the sun.
Jenni, I love and appreciate your transparency. If we all would be as honest with ourselves as you are, we would be gazing into a similar mirror with all of our ugliness staring back at us. Being able to see ourselves, warts and all, and give our ugliness to God; allow Him to take our ashes (selfishness, anger, greed, lust, etc.) and transform them into beauty is what I love most about the redemptive work of the cross. Ugliness is ugliness no matter which mirror we gaze upon, but because of Jesus’ work on the cross we can stand tall as we look upon the face of Jesus in the mirror with us. It’s a process like iron sharpening iron and a fire burning away the parts that need eradicating. We have our ugly bits, but as a whole we are beautiful because of Christ in us. Remember that my dear, dear friend. We all need to keep taking an honest look at ourselves in the mirror and asking God to burn away our ugly bits. I love you!
Thanks for the words Dana – I appreciate you. And Jc – OUCH! I write this because I do believe that I am not the only person in this boat. When we are all honest with ourselves, I think there are a few of us that could find ourselves qualifying as “Selfish” or greedy, angry, lustful, whatever.
I suppose I’m just willing to be open and raise my hand to admit it – not easily done.
Wouldn’t you think that the best way to encourage healthy growth and change is with encouragement instead of cutting words?
i agree there are a lot of selfish people out there (i have a relative who fits this description to the “t” ) but just because others are self centered does not give us license to do like wise. one can only change one’s self and it starts by STOP looking in the mirror and start seeing others and accepting them for who they are especially those who are “different” then ourselves like the mexican day laborer and the big-haired lady or the spoiled OC girl. they are all different but not one less worthy of respect.
one more thing maybe God has made you aware of this cause your loved ones need your support instead of them doting on you. Time to give instead of receiving. Easter is around the corner, seems like you picked a great time to want to change and improve yourself. i’m interested to see your blog on how your family reacts to the new and improved jebrown.
Friend, I love you. I love the process God is taking you through. Godly conviction leads to repentence, not shame, fear or self-hatred. So remember as he turns over stones and you see the stuff beneath, that he’s doing it to build you up, make you more like him, to understand him more and grow in his love, being able to shed his light and love to others. Anything else is not from him.
I have good news and bad news.
The bad news is that the mirror does not end.
I think it keeps getting bigger. Especially in marriage. That caring, unconditional supporter you hope for turns out, because they care and you care that they care, to be the worlds largest mirror with a magnifying glass attached.
The good news is that you are saving yourself endless grief by grappling with the mirror now, getting your practice in, so to speak.
(in response to jc)
Crazy…I thought that being perfect would include mercy, grace and encouragement. Silly me! I can only imagine how exhausting it must be to perfect.
Jenni, chin up! Luckily, you are surrounded by loving people that embrace you and your journey, even if we don’t always have time for your stories. Thank you for being transparent and honest. It’s fun trying to find that balance in life right?!
Jenny I am proud of you and so is God. It takes a lot of courage and strength to not only see the harshness of our selfishness, but to also admittingly say its wrong and I want to change.
As for JC, it sounds as if he has been hurt and is transfering his anger toward you. I was once in his shoes judging other so harshly because I identified with the one being hurt.
“(i have a relative who fits this description to the “t”)”…start seeing others and accepting them for who they are especially those who are “different” then ourselves”
It always hurts when people you are open with don’t see and/or love you for who you are. Sorry JC.
All in all however, Jenny you did not hurt him personaly and he should not be scolding the one who wants to change. In fact, in my opinion, only the ones you actually hurt would have the right to judge you because they know the story. And as one of those people, I would have been foolish to act as if i was perfect without a blemish of selfishness. For just this morning I was in your place and my husband was in mine. the truth is wether we want to realize it or not, at some point in our lives we hurt someone because of our inadeqecies.
I love you Jenny and i am thankful for our open, honest and real relationship; even if that means we have to endure the ugliness within us.
Because I truly want to grow I will surround myself with the wise and the unfoolish, for only the foolish man believes he is perfect and needing no council.
Shine on girl in the grace and love God grants us all. One of my favorite songs in church sings out the truth:
“holy surrender…so sweetly broken”)
Thank you Lord for caring enough about us to break us, mold us, and heal us, so we may be more like you.
Jenni,
haven’t read your blog in a bit and I have some catching up to do but let me say this. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging and even allowing yourself to be a little selfish in a friendship or even a relationship. If you have a friendship that is all give give give, thats called an abusive relationship where someone else is taking advantage of you.
You might care about another person intrinsically just because of who they are, but not hang out with them because there’s nothing in it for you, thats fine. In contrast, someone who makes you feel good, or who makes you like yourself when you are with them, or who encourages you to be a better person might be a better “friend” simply because of how you feel when you talk to them. Anyone who does something for another person does so because it makes them feel good. That too is a selfish motivation.
Dont beat yourself up because you feel good when you hang out with your friends. That’s what they are there for. The question to ask is do *they* feel good when they hang out with *you*? That’s how you’ll know if you are being a good friend in return.
ps: jc, who the F are you? You clearly have no friends because all you do is troll around on other people’s blogs being a bitch. Go crawl under a rock somewhere and leave my FRIEND alone!
Thanks friends! Good to know that you all stick up for me and love me even if my motives aren’t always right on target. I really do love you guys.
(Steve, who was here before the other Steve…lol you crack me up. I’ll have to be sure he reads that.)
I have a question or two for you and your friends. Why post in such a public forum if your friends (Steve that was here before that other Steve guy, in particular) only want ego stroking comments? I have no reason to agree or disagree with your friends assessments of your “awesomeness” but if they only want to read how “wonderful” you are and not some observations that might help you in your quest to become a better person then they are doing you more of a disservice than they will admit to. Might I suggest you make your blog private so only you’re “Stepford” friends can comment and continue to tell you how utterly magnificent you are? Jebrown kudos to you for posting my comments and not shying away from them. Now if only your friends would be more honest, cause as they mentioned earlier, no one is perfect but some are will to look at themselves in the mirror and attempt to be a better person, worts and all.
JC,
I think it was your tone to be honest. Not all of my frieds are only interested in singing my praises. In fact, some of those comments came from the very people that inspired the post in the first place. The ones that can tell me “Hey, you’re not so good at seeing people.”
I would imagine it’s natural to be defensive when you see someone you love getting slashes taken at them on the internet. I don’t love hearing what you have to say – it is hard to have someone be so negative. But at the same time, I am committed to what I started. And if you have a strong opinion, so be it.
I am not saying that my friends think that you are wrong, you just have a way of stating it so that it has been coming across pretty hostile.
-JEBrown