Christian Guys vs. Non Christian Guys (And Maybe A Date?) – Part 1
Yep, today we’re talking about boys. Oh-la-la, my favorite subject.
The Background Story
On Valentine’s Day, as you might have read, I found myself single. So, I did what any sensible, sexy, single gal does: I went dancing with the girls at the Heat Ultra Lounge in Anahiem. It was legit. Hot guys, great drinks, and a kickin lounge. I probably will make a point to go back.
Now, what happened over the next few hours was playful, fun, and surprising – even to yours truly who is a clubbing 
veteran. I went with a group of girls who are outgoing, flirty and cute as all get up. At the same time, they are some of the strongest, godliest, amazing, “I know who I am and I’m going somewhere” women as well. Let’s put it this way – I wouldn’t have tagged ANY of them to be the type to give any club-guy their phone numbers. Nor would I have said that I am a person who gives out my number either. In fact, I have a designated fake number like any smart party girl does (which consequently is only a few digits off my real number – you know, in case Ive had too much to drink and cannot hammer out a whole new fake number).
As we walked out on the dance floor, we began to attract some attention (4 cute girls – come on!), and it was only a matter of time before we were getting asked to dance. Being the coy women that we are, I think at one point early in the evening I even switched guys with one of my friends. She was dancing with an ever so slightly dorky blonde who I had my eye on. I signaled to her, she nodded in agreement – some fancy footwork ensued, I got my man and I was thrilled. As the night grew on and the music grew louder, all of us found ourselves paired off with hot and interesting guys. Exciting I know.
Don’t get too excited. This isn’t him. But it highly resembles him. Oh-la-la for sure.
Hot Nerdy Blonde was a great dancer, and as it turns out, we graduated from the same college. Once things had heated up, we headed outside for a breathe of fresh air to chat and cool off. And then it was back inside for some more flirting on the dance floor. However, as we crested 2:00am, and the house lights began to rise, we knew it was time for the Valentine’s Day romances to disband. It was then that I did something I NEVER do…I reached into my clutch and pulled out my card. With my REAL number on it. I gave it to Hot Nerdy Blonde, and smiled. I turned around to realize that all of my girlfriends (the amazing, intelligent ones who would NEVER give their numbers out at a bar), only to find that they had all given out their real numbers as well. We giggled all the way home.
Several days after the Valentines venture, I got a text reading:
“Hey J….. – thanks for putting up with my very mediocre dance moves. hahha. Saturday was fun. We should meet up soon. -Hot Nerdy Blonde”
I was flattered. I blushed even. But I didn’t write him back. In my mind, very respectable Christian women DO NOT meet men in bars! We meet nice Christian guys at friend’s parties, bible studies, or e-harmony.com. So in light of these rules, I took the ego boost, and moved on with my week.
I soon found out however, how very wrong I was about the behavior of “Christian Women”.
I found out that my very admirable, responsible, honorable girlfriends went out on a double date with the guys that they met in the club. The boys called, they asked them to dinner, and it was only a matter of days before the four of them were laughing over cocktails. I KNOW. I was shocked. And totally felt jiped.
Cocktails and Wedding Rings.
Here is the part where we tie this story in with Christian and Non-Christian men. Before talking to my girlfriends, (who admittedly will not date non-christian men) I was a bit confused as to why I didn’t get the memo that it was Kosher for us to go out with our club hotties. Because as I mentioned, we are all God loving women, and the idea of going on a date with a guy you met in a bar seems a little bit counter intuitive to me.
My one girlfriend came right out the gate and said it. I love her thought: “We aren’t going to marry the guys, and that’s just the thing. It’s just dinner. Christian guys don’t seem to get that. It’s like they have to know that they want to marry us before we can get a cocktail. These guys at least know how to get a number and take a girl out on a date.”
In some ways I see her point. I know a lot of guys who seem hesitant to get it out there. It’s like they’re so concerned about “being intentional” that they are paralysed. I think in the heaviness of trying to figure out of this girl is “God’s will for me” we forget to just laugh and have a drink. We forget that it’s just dinner. Girl’s aren’t made of glass, and if we go out for a dinner and it fizzles, so be it. We won’t break. We’ll move on.
At some point I overhead someone laughing about the idea that it seems that we get stuck thinking that we are all “Christian brothers and sisters.” Maybe guys feels it’s like incest to look over at your “sister in Christ” and think ‘hmm….she’s hot. We should go out.’
I think a few of my Christian girlfriends have met far too many Christian men who flirt, make a point to see them in groups, but then never make a real move. Sometimes I have friends that have been “talking” to guys for an entire month before they every hit the “Dinner and Drinks” phase. And to contrast that to guys who took all of a week to get my friends out, a month does seem a bit absurd.
I do understand that there is a delicate balance in what I advocating. I’m not saying that all non-christian guys are perfect. I know for a fact that there are a fair share of tools out there (believe me, I have probably already dated them). And I’m not saying that Christian guys should be whoring-assholes. I’m just saying that maybe we should pop the pressure a little. Because to me it’s sad that my beautiful friends are willing to date non-Christians because those guys seem to be a little better at the dating game.
Apparently I’m a Hypocrite.
In hashing out this idea with my friend Suzanne, the first words out of her mouth was this:
“You know what this means? You have to call him. If you are writing a blog about men being able to ask a girl out, and you DID give him your number, then you need to call him back.”
Let’s just say that Suz was thoroughly thrilled when she found out that my friends went on dates with their club guys. She’d already been harassing me for weeks for not calling Hot Nerdy Blonde back. My apprent mistake regarding the acceptability of dating men that you met in a bar only added to her arguement.
I still don’t know if nice-God-loving girls like myself should be getting tied up with guys that they meet in bars…but I do see her point. I shouldn’t be that snooty. He’s putting it out there like I asked right?
So…tomorrow I’m going to call him. It’s been a month since he texted me, and it might be way too late. But, like I said, I’m not made of glass, so if he doesn’t want me anymore – I can be right on my way.
Keep you posted.
Jenni! This is great AND I have a date on Friday with someone with whom I’m not intimately acquainted with his spiritual habits. ha!
I tear is coming to my eye as I read this here. I find it as a far cry from the old Jenni that I still recognize from less than 5 years ago. The point that I think I was always trying to push into your brain at that time about Christian Boys and Non-Christian Boys not having major differences seems to have found a home in your cerebellum. : ) Call him, get to know him, hide party girl, and then make a decision… get it girl!
- Andrew “Straight Rockafella Pimpin” Nunez
I disagree with Andrew. There is a HUGE difference between dating Christian guys and dating Non-Christian guys, at least if your faith is even remotely important to you. What good can come from dating Non-Christians? Isn’t the point of dating to find a suitable husband that you’d be happy to spend the rest of your life with? If so, a Non-Christian obviously won’t fit the bill.
But let’s say for a second that your intent in dating isn’t to find a spouse, but rather just to “have a good time,” or so the argument usually goes. If that’s true, then date Non-Christians all you want. But what if, after nonchalantly dating them, you become quite emotionally attached? This is a very likely scenario. You are now faced with a tough decision to make. Can you in good faith continue to pursue the relationship with someone who shares nothing of your belief in God? No. You cannot.
Let’s also think of the guys for a second. In the story you blog about, the girls are “just having a good time,” maybe getting a free meal and some laughs out of their dates. Dates that they obviously have no intention of seriously pursuing. Is that fair to the guys? What if they’re pursuing you for a relationship? What if they’re emotionally invested? For them to just be a temporary good time for you could be pretty unfair if their intent is quite different than yours. Put yourself in their shoes. Have you ever been seriously into a guy and had him make it clear that he was just casually in the relationship for a good time? Was that fair to you?
Lastly, can you trust any advice received from someone whose self proclaimed moniker is “Straight Rockafella Pimpin?”
I’ve always been very hesitant about meeting guys in bars because there are definitely scummy ones out there. HOWEVER, I know very few people that never ever go to bars which means there are a lot of awesome everyday people going too. So I say if you meet one you get along with and like go for it!! You could have just as easily met him as work, school, grocery store, etc.
Good luck and have fun!!
Hey Anonymous and Andrew…
This blog was hard for me to write. Mainly I think because this is a conversation that I don’t fully have worked out in my own mind. It does feel messy.
I think some people date to have fun, some people date to marry, some people court, and some people just want to have a good time. And the types of people that you choose to date is most likely effected by your personal choice to either “Court” or “Go out for a good time.”
I’m still uncomfortable with both ideas. I did call this guy and left him a message, but like I said, I’m not convinced that it’s the best idea either.
One last thing anonymous…Drew is a LONG time friend. And his self proclaimed Pimp status is merely in jest I am sure. Pimp status or not, I’m sure we are all entitled to our opinions.
Dating Christian guys….nice choice Jenni.
well i was that Christian guy who knew how to woo the great Christian gal over…but never knew how to seal the deal because I was afraid of the commitment.
i think the problem with single Christian guys is that they are scared they are going to have to have the DTR after date #2 because the Christian female is obviously wanting a ring by spring….right?
unfortunately the Christian culture has done a dis-service for guys who want to date and check things out. If a guy is just checking things out……he is in a tough spot…..because by date 3 the Christian dating stereotypes start firing up. For example….”is she the one?” Do I really like her? Or was it just a fun date? When will i know, if she is the one?
The advantage to secular dating is that guys aren’t necessary looking to “court”. They are looking for a fun time and if something works out, then great–if not…no worries.
Can you see how the secular dating guy has 0 expectations and pressures. The single Christian guy has to fight the temptations of Christian dating.
I think a Christian guy who goes for it, but is a bit reserve is the best way to go. The bottom line is that he needs to be clear with his intentions and not emotionally lead the ladies on. And Christian guy please don’t OVER spiritualize the relationship.
BTW…I met my new hot God-loving fiance in a bar…I’m just saying…
Ah that’s right Brad! You did meet her in a bar…I was there
Rockin Taco has always been my favorite bar for so many reasons!!
Favorite line- Maybe guys feel it’s like incest to look over at your “sister in Christ” and think ‘hmm….she’s hot. We should go out.’ <—-hahaha
I have been hashing out this exact issue in my own life recently. And I realize that some people can date for fun and some people need certainty. As much as I wish I was the former, I am most definitely the latter. Getting to know someone and investing is exhausting, and why do it if it’s all for nothing? (We assume if he doen’t love Jesus, it IS all for nothing.) I need the certainty of a good thing. That said, why are Christian men pansies? It is certainly irritating. I, like you, am probably just another hypocrite- I claim to just want to have fun, but deep down I want what everybody wants: loving commitment. It’s hard to keep the two separate as we navigate the torrid waters of the dating game. It’s hard to refrain from being the girl demanding commitment that the Christian men are afraid of just as it is hard to refrain from being a sell out date in a bar. Do I know the happy medium? No. Do I wish some Christian guy would grow a pair and ask me out? Yes. But hey, at least in the meantime, beautiful girls like you and I get to bond over our lamentations and have some awesome conversations in the process
Yay! Love the blog girl. Very good points. I would have agreed and been excited for the plan to call the hot nerdy blonde, except for a follow up experience with my bar man. I explained I don’t seriously date non-Christians and apologized for any mixed messages. After a few weeks he asked me out for a casual hangout which I said would be fun. He later explained by casual hangout he meant, and I quote ‘booty call.’ Now I’m not really sure real numbers and follow up dates with bar men are a good idea…hmmm.
Haha, interesting post Jenni.
Ouch “I”. Somewhere out there your future husband is fighting through sexual temptations and a perpetual case of blue balls, all based on faith and a desire to create the best possible relationship with you. Yes, he’s gonna be more cautious and deliberate in pursuing you than a secular guy with the sex motivator, but you call him pansy? Tisk tisk.
Ah! Steve! No not at all! I wanted to be very careful to make sure that was NOT the message coming across.
I don’t think that Christian guys are pansies. And I don’t think that I want someone whose only interested in getting into my pants. But, considering the situation as it played out, it did make for an interesting case.
And in general most of the responses from Christian men have been “Yes, at times we can be too hesitant”
Maybe in this example, it just seemed that Non Christian men were more willing to take the greater risk (be it for the sexual aspect or for the girl), as opposed to a situation where the guy wanted to be more “sure” that she would say yes.
Please don’t misunderstand….No foul play was intended I assure you.
One more thing…in case you are confused… I completely agree with Jeremy.
Way to go JZ. You can always nail the words right at the delicate balance that I am looking for.
Thanks for the support
I think that K has actually hit the mark in talking about her experience. The bottom line is that men who are not Christian have very different ideas about ‘casual” dating…
As in K’s example they are perfectly fine with being physically intimate without any emotional/spiritual investment. Secular society tells men and women that it is perfectly fine to have this kind of relationship. It is a culturally excepted “norm”. In the end it’s not the way were were created. It’s not what God intended for us.
It’s great to have “fun” when dating. Dating isn’t always fun, but ideally should involve the enjoyment of getting to know someone. The problem arises when your fundamental beliefs aren’t the same. As much fun as you can have with someone who doesn’t share your faith, where can it go?
I think meeting someone in a bar is perfectly fine. I think spending time getting to know someone even if it is for a month or more (I have done this one and yes, it is hard to be patient) is fine too. I believe that as women, we do need to encourage Christian men to ask us out without expecting an intense beginning stage. In other words, relieve the pressure!! Being friends with someone before dating has produced the best relationship I have ever had. I highly recommend it! Love can happen in many places. I think the important thing is to be sure that ultimately you are on the same page spiritually if you are going to date.
I think that there are plenty of complaints from both men and women in the Christian dating scenario. Dating isn’t easy for men, they are expected to pursue us and are often rejected as a result. Dating isn’t easy for women, they want to be pursued but find it frustrating that they have to rely on men asking them out if they are interested. At the end of the day, we are all in the same boat. I think the best thing we can do is help each other paddle.
Hillary yes! I love it.
“At the end of the day, we are all in the same boat. I think the best thing that we can do is help each other paddle.”
Awesomely spoken words from a wise woman that has been on both sides of this conversation.
I think it is rather short sited to only date Christians if you are a Christian & vise versa. However the caveat here is that it can become troublesome in the long term should the other not “come to Christ” or understand & respect your beliefs. But that is why Christians pray isn’t it?! Jk. I am a Christian and have dated over a hundred people of both believers and non believers. Experiences include, marriage, divorce, miscarriage, abortion, realtors/houses, moving country etc. (Naming a few circumstances)
By far the happiest I ever was, prior to now, was with a non Christian who respected my beliefs. I will always pray they come to Christ. We would have married if the timing was right. Peace to you all.
Live the life God gave you with every breath you have, God gave you the situation, you have the choice!
Any opinions or conversations involving Christians dating non-Christians are muddied waters indeed. The issue often times comes down to semantics and presupposition. What do you mean by dating, fun, friend or casual? Is dating just an evening to relax and not be pressured by the concerns and stresses of work or family, or is it something else?
Being a prig, terrified of any interaction unsanctioned by the clergy, is not healthy nor Godly, but seeking out emotional or egotistical gratification without the responsibility of considering your effect on the other person, can be destructive.
What are you getting out of dating? Searching out the thrill of being desired or having power over the opposite sex can become an addiction that will undermine a real relationship or marriage later on in life.
Can “a fun date with a casual friend” be interoperated as “a thrilling ego boost with a person that I have power over and whose welfare I don’t have to care about?”
If fun and dating are innocent, then there will be no need to justify. It is a question how you feel about your own actions and motivations.
This post makes me smile.. I have not read “part 2″ yet – so I’m a little behind and may be speaking too soon… nor have I read everyone elses comments so I may be repeating what someone else has said… I see so much of myself and what I think of as my 23rd year of life in what you just wrote. I, like you wrote about in the Gypsy post, have done everything “by the book” trying to make everyone else happy and figured that I had to meet my perfect man the perfect way… but life’s just not that perfect. I finally met some fun guys through work. We never “dated” but we hung out a lot and became very good friends. They are amazing people who were definately NOT marriage material, but I got to learn about who they were as people, their life journey’s (which were very interesting with many of them) and why they were the way they were… That year let me relax a lot and just meet and hang out with people to get to know them and not worry or even think about marriage. When I met my husband, we first met on myspace… that’s right myspace… (insert look of disgust!) If someone would have said “Kelly, you will meet an amazing man who you will marry from myspace” I would have laughed in their face and told them, “I’m just not that kinda girl”…. but it ended up that God had other plans. We actually graduated from the same college, same year, his uncle was my former neighbor, and he grew up about 20 minutes from my aunt, we attended the same church and had been at the same superbowl party and never met… the timing just wasn’t right. It makes me smile to think of how far out of my comfort zone God had to pull me to get me to the point where I was ready to meet the man who I love and who is the father of my children.
You never know.
On another side note, you are a Godly girl who is at that same bar to have fun with your girlfriends so who knows why that guy is there… perhaps the same thing (only guy friends).
Oh, and I still love your writing…