This January I began something awful.  I began a process of a slow awakening. The more awake I am becoming, the more I hate what I am finding.  But at this point, I don’t know what’s worse – facing the ugliness or deciding to go back to sleep.

In January I was leaving a friend’s house late at night and driving down the 5 Freeway. We had just had a conversation about our friendship. It turns out that even though we’ve been friends for years, we weren’t quite as close as she’d thought we would be. She was disappointed that we hadn’t grown closer over the years, and I was grappling to explain the distance between us.

I couldn’t dodge the fact that while my friend was explaining her disappointment, I compulsively felt the need fix her feelings on the spot. I wanted to differentiate myself from our other friends that had also hurt her feelings, and show her with my actions “I’m not like them. I’m different. See, let’s still be friends.”

The ride home from her house was probably the most difficult car rides that I have had in a long time. I kept thinking, “What is it that makes me want her to like me so badly?” And suddenly there was the truth staring me in the face. Read the rest of this entry »

Unbeknownst to me, I found a nerve. To be a bit honest, it has been slightly difficult to decide how to respond. I suppose part of being a writer is asking good questions. However, at the same time, there is a person under this writers jacket – she has the tendency to be a peacemaker. I want everyone to agree, and it’s been uncomfortable to think about leaving thoughts unsettled.

All that to say, I do appreciate your feedback. Actually, I would argue that at some level – I need it. It’s important to me that what I write resonates with people – and I thank those of you who have jumped into this conversation.

Jesus and Cocktails.

One of the major comments that I received from both men and women alike when responding to the ideas of meeting guys in bars is simply this: “Can’t great guys go to bars too?” As so aptly commented by Megan, most of us hang out in bars at some point or another, whether it is once in a while or every weekend. It would seem logical then to realize that going into a bar doesn’t transform a person into something evil. And sure, nice girls and boys are still nice when they are sitting on a bar stool.

In fact, I love going out. I wouldn’t say that I have a party lifestyle these days, but I couldn’t imagine being with someone who had a problem going to clubs, or didn’t drink at all. A perk might be that they could be my designated driver all the time – so that might not be half bad; except for the part where you are always the one making an ass out of yourself – I at least like taking turns being the drunken retard. Read the rest of this entry »

Friday morning I was having a breakfast meeting with a friend of mine who is starting a non-profit with a few women I know. Her organization loves my writing style, and has decided to give me the gift of forming their communication initiatives. So over coffee and computers, we began to discuss our very business oriented agenda.

Somewhat unexpected to us, our business became pushed aside as two girls walked into the house (I’ve just recently moved, and I am currently living with a friend). Both girls were young, just barely in their twenties. One had a mostly shaved head, except for strategic patches of longer hair, making a perfectly good Mohawk. Her girlfriend had pink hair with neon yellow sections. One had a tattoo on her forearm, and both of them had facial piercings. They greeted us and asked for my host, saying that they’d made plans for breakfast.

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Yep, today we’re talking about boys. Oh-la-la, my favorite subject.

The Background Story

On Valentine’s Day, as you might have read, I found myself single. So, I did what any sensible, sexy, single gal does: I went dancing with the girls at the  Heat Ultra Lounge in Anahiem. It was legit. Hot guys, great drinks, and a kickin lounge. I probably will make a point to go back.

Now, what happened over the next few hours was playful, fun, and surprising – even to yours truly who is a clubbing veteran. I went with a group of girls who are outgoing, flirty and cute as all get up. At the same time, they are some of the strongest, godliest, amazing, “I know who I am and I’m going somewhere” women as well. Let’s put it this way – I wouldn’t have tagged ANY of them to be the type to give any club-guy their phone numbers. Nor would I have said that I am a person who gives out my number either. In fact, I have a designated fake number like any smart party girl does (which consequently is only a few digits off my real number –  you know, in case Ive had too much to drink and cannot hammer out a whole new fake number).

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Inspiration Over Breakfast. 

This morning I had breakfast with two of my favorite, fun-friends. I don’t know if you have fun-friends, but I highly recomend that you get some. They are the friends that encourage you to be glorious and goofy, honest and candid. And seemily, this is something that happens almost immediatly when meeting them. It’s almost like meeting a super hot guy that you have electrical chemistry with….excepet they are your friends, and you don’t want to make out with them. You just want breakfast and laughter with them. At least, I don’t make out with my fun friends.

Anyway, this morning we met at the Gypsie Den for breakfast. (Side note, before breakfast I got stuck in a time warp…my cell phone gitched to the wrong time, and since I am in the process of moving, it was the only clock I had. Needless to say Sophie was suprised when I called her and asked “Is is 9:42 or it is 10:21am?” Suprise, it was 10:21…which made me 20 minutes late. Oops. But clearly I had a solid excuse. “Time Warp Sophie. I can’t control the universe.”)

I realize that I love these two girls, because over 5 Grain Cereal (yes complete with puffed milk, bananas and nuts), we had conversation which moved 80 miles an hour, discussing the highs and lows of the week, relationships past, and the fact that we are fabulous (Yes, at any girls breakfast, this is a subject that does come up.) What I realized in talking to them, is that they really see me for the creative writer that I am, and encourage me to write – every day, all the time.

I left breakfast DYING to get to a computer because I felt so inspired by their thoughts. Sophie and Chris pointed out to me that I am not held captive to wearing a suit and walking into an office everday. Creativity and success can look so many different ways. And to this point I have been pushing to find a corporate job, they opened my eyes to the idea that I can persue my writing, and simply use my job as a means to a paycheck. Well, maybe a paycheck and some good writing material.

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Today I’m in a funk.

 There’s a lot going on below the surface. In fact, I don’t think I slept much last night. I woke up periodically throughout the night thinking about the job, ex boyfriends, new guys, moving, writing, not writing, money, sleeping, and not sleeping.

I was hoping that yoga and breakfast with Andy this morning would relax me and pull me out of my head, but I think it only made it worse. I’m sitting on my bed, reading old blogs and listening to Jason Mraz.  I’ve decided today is a calm storm. Or maybe, it feels like when you are watching a movie, at an intense action scene – like a bomb blowing up. Sometimes they can slow the frames to the point where you watch all of the fragments explode in detrimental beauty. It’s a really good scene if there is some killer background track to go along with the visual.

That’s how I feel today. My life is in flux. There are things quietly raging in my mind that I can’t turn off. It’s like emotional shrapnel spraying in all directions. Majestic and slow like splatter paint.  It makes me realize, whether you are a juju person, a karma person, a “Secret” person, or a prayer person….we are out of control. Call it God, or the universe, or fate, or human will…sometimes the world goes crazy in the space between our ears and there’s not much that we can do to fix it, or to reconcile the dissonance.

At some point in my life, I had been dating someone who was really good at getting me out of my head. He could shake me up, and pull me off the melancholy fly strip. I don’t get stuck there often, but it does happen. In lieu of having someone around that knows me that way, I’m wondering what it would sound like to just sit here for a bit.

Often times, melancholy is an inclusive experience – maybe that’s just me being a creative. But it’s a feeling, and words, and music – all going on at the same time. Today, that looks and sounds like Jason Mraz. Sometimes it’s Jack Johnson or John Mayer that seem to fit the bill. But it’s is always something slow, upbeat, melancholy, but not depressing. Something that reminds me that even if the emotions spray though my brains like bullets, it can be beautiful.

  Jason, Jack, John and me. Having a splatter-paint-fest in the space between my ears.

And in case you’re wondering what melancholy sounds like…it sounds like this:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocEOA1sAFvY]

I started this thought several weeks ago with a caption on my facebook:

The Bachelor is like Socially Acceptable Polygamy

Give it several weeks and an “After the Rose Ceremony” scandal later- I think we are all beginning to realize the depth of the sick and twisted show we have created. After seeing this season’s finale, we are all thinking along the same lines as Lincee,  The Bachelor’s long time Recapping blogger: “Can we get the ABC psychotherapist over here please?“

Many people have argued, “I’m sure it was all in the contracts for Jason to have to show everything on camera, and it wasn’t really his fault.” In some ways, I am sure they are right. After all, ABC is like any other corporation – they are about MAKING MONEY. They don’t care about feelings,  people, and the right things to do- at the end of the day, it’s the ratings that matter. I’d love to say that there are other corporations that look beyond those things, but in reality,  it’s the “Show me the money” mentality that really makes the world go round.

So, here is my question. At what point did we fail to recognize this image: 

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You might wonder how any of these items could make their way into one coherent thought, much less blog. Well readers, I promise I’m going somewhere. And I think we might have a video debut on Cherry Blossom Thoughts!…Well, no one is debuting their video, I’m debuting the use of the video feature. Riveting, I know. So hold onto your seats.

In the 1980s (84 to be exact), Cindy Lauper rocked the world with her song, Time After Time. You might remember the video of her and her multi-colored, half shaven hair agonizing over her boyfriend. Let’s be honest, I was only a year old when the video come out, so I had to youtube it.

Then, in 1998, Matchbox 20 did an awesome cover of Cindy’s song. From concert in Australia we now how this beautiful recording of a 1990s sound on our 80s hit. Personally, Matchbox 20 resonates more with me than Cindy Lauper does, but mainly because I listened to them a lot in high school. Hello, your age is showing. Read the rest of this entry »