I realized something the other day. I don’t have a Valentine this year. And that should come as no shock….I’m single. But the part that was shocking to me was thinking back over the years, and realizing that even though I have dated a lot and come close to walking down the isle with a person….somehow I haven’t had a date for Valentines Day since I was like 2o. Seriously!

Is it realistic to think that a person could date on and off throughout her life, and consequently, somehow be single before February hits? I want to feel jipped…except for the part where I don’t.

This year, I find myself in a really awkward place when it comes to dating, men, and heart shaped boxes of candy. See, between loosing my job in November, and ending a decently great relationship – I feel that I am in a state of flux. You could almost say that it has spurred on a re-inventing of myself. Except, I don’t feel like I had myself “wrong” before, I just feel like I am getting myself more “right” than I have ever had it before. Even my roomate made the comment tonight, “Wow, it just seemed that you are really confident and comfortable with who you are – not just in your identity, but who you are as a professional career woman.”

That was really refreshing to hear.

Where Valentines comes in is like this – my neighbor upstairs just got engaged today. My roommate is most likely going to be engaged before the summer….along with like 3 of my close friends. And not just that I feel “left out” of the dating band-wagon, but there are moments in my life when I look around, and I am just struck with this core realization that feels like, “Man, its a tragedy that it is just me in this. I’d LOVE to have someone at just this moment.”

I’m not lonely in the way that I want someone to hug or to kiss or something. It’s more fundamental than that. It seems that I have a lot going on, and somehow it feels weird climbing into my king sized bed alone every night.

But, it’s a tension.

There are moments, when I am reaching into who I am as a writer, a designer, a creative, as a girl standing in the pouring rain, as a climber, as a runner, as a professional, as an unemployed woman, as an independent person, as a broke person scared shitless – there are moments where another person would just  wreck  it. It’s gorgeous because it’s just me and the wind – you know?

I have resolved to this: I’m not against dating right now. Self admittedly, I would love to have a man in my life. But, I’m realizing that I’m beautiful, and interesting, and incredibly busy getting on with my crazy, scary, unexplainable adventure of a life. And if a beautiful man walks in the door that is nothing short of wonderful – a true gentleman, lovely and in pursuit of something genuine – I’m in with both feet. But I think if were anything short of that, I might have to just push on my way. There’s a whole world out there waiting. And I’m incredibly excited to introduce it to the woman that I am becoming.

I guess that leaves me Un-valentined this year. Again. And in the beautiful tradgety, I can’t help but smile…just a little bit.