This past week, a good friend of mine and I drove up to Northern California on a road trip. Being in the car for seven hours lead us to some great conversation about dating. She is in a pretty serious relationship with a man that I think is legit. And as they have encroached on “The M Word” (marriage), it has brought about some difficult, wonderful, and pithy conversation. What I love about my friend is that she is a wholesome girl who hasn’t dated a lot, and so there are moments where she is telling me what to do with my life, and then will turn and say, “So how exactly do I work this out with my man?”

Those are the moments where I actually feel like I bring something intelligent to the friendship, because dating is a subject that I do happen to know a thing or two about. I remember reading somewhere in college that in order to be considered an “Expert” on something, you have to have spent 10 -20 years of your life doing it. Considering that I started dating at the tender age of 12 – I think its fair to stay that I have earned my way into the Expert Category.

Now don’t get me wrong – dating is still a bitch. By nature it is uncomfortable, vulnerable, inconsistent, confusing, and frustrating. And by no means is there a formula when it comes to navigating through the episodes of courtship; I am convinced that one simply gets better at reading the signs, knowing oneself, and communicating to your partner. And obviously being an expert at dating doesn’t mean that you are going to get promoted to fiancee or wife…because I’m still single. And I would merely be self consious of my expertise experience and yet single status, except for the fact that Carrie Bradshaw paved the way for us by being single, an expert dater, and fabulous well into her 40s before she settled with Mr. Big. I’m pretty sure her experience proves that you can be great and dating and still single. In light of  having seen all Sex and the City episodes more that 100 times, I believe that being great at dating means you just get better navigating through the dating world – getting out of bad situations before they get worse, making awkward situations better, and making good situations great ones.

What I did realize through my conversation with my girlfriend is that over the years of bad dates and bleeding hearts, I managed to learn a few things along the way. And the most important tool in my dating arsenal is learning to speak man. Yes, ladies, men speak a completely different language all together. We may be both speaking English, but watch the newest Carl’s Jr. commercials and you will see what I am talking about (”I thought you were taking me out for a steak dinner!”)

I am by no means claiming to be fluent in man – please, I don’t want to brag beyond my credentials. I can however confidently state that I have “Basic Conversational Skills” in Man-Speak.

So ladies, out of my little black dating handbook, here are some suggestions on the way to talk man to your man (and who knows – you might actually get lucky and he will understand what you want!).

1. Men are SIMPLE.

Now, I said simple NOT stupid. I know there are a lot of angry feminist, jaded teenagers, or pissed off divorcees that would love to disagree with me. But despite the sterotype that men are the  perennial cave man, I have to remind us all that men are very capable. Now, given a GOOD man, chances are that they will do almost anything asked of them – especially if by the women that they love. Its just that you have to learn to put it into terms where they can hear you. As women, emotionally we have about 1,000 knobs, switches, buttons. We tend to speak in spaghetti thoughts, combining countless ideas, emotions, and tangents. Our girl friends are amazing at tracking with us, understanding where we are going, and landing at the same conclusions. Men are not mental multitaskers.  If you want your man to track with you and be able to say “Yes!”, you need to keep things simple (think inclusive, clear, logical and concise). Which leads me to point two….

2. No Emotional Vomit

In the middle of my dating “career” (ha – I wish I could have been paid for those years!…unless that would make me a prostitute…in which case never mind….) I came to place where I recognized unhappiness in my relationship, but was really awful at communicating. I am an verbal processor, I need to talk my way through things to find out what I need, what I want, and how to get it. Girls, doing this with your boyfriend is not always the best move. Coming to your man with your eyes welled with tears, and simply blowing emotional chunks on him (come on we’ve all done it), while it may be relieving for you – causes panic in men! Men are fixers. You come to them with a problem, they don’t want to hash it out verbally – they want to get you a solution. And we women don’t want your solutions! We want you to liiiiisten, and to hear us, and to cuddle us and tell us its ok. Now I am NOT saying that your men cannot handle emotions. They should be able to handle when you come to them falling apart. (And guys, when your girl comes to you falling apart you hug her, kiss her, hold her and ask, “what can I do to help you feel better?”) What I am saying is that when you need to hash things out, when you need to talk it through…call your mom, your girlfriend, or your sister. They can handle the hashing, and close it up when the conversation is over. Men on the otherhand, just dont work that way.

3. Tell Him What You Want!

Big mistake I made when I was younger: I wasn’t doing a whole lot of telling. Now women, we’ve all seen 10 Things I Hate About You, where the guy comes in at the end singing, and confessing love, and he seems to know exactly what to say. Let me remind you this is a movie. In my younger years, I used to think that if I guy really liked me and loved me, I wouldn’t have to tell him what I wanted to hear – that he would automatically know the right thing. THIS IS A LIE FROM HOLLYWOOD. Men don’t know that you really want flowers, or to be taken to that new restaurant, or notice that you left a magazine on the coffee table open to the new perfume you wish he would buy for you. You have to tell him, and you have to do it gingerly and nicely. Same thing goes for when you are mad. They just don’t magically read your mind. When he says, “What’s wrong?” And you say, “Nothing.” ..but you really mean, “I want you to ask me 4 more times before I tell you.” – that doesn’t cut it.  You have to say, “Yesterday when you said ’XYZ’ it really hurt my feelings and I am mad at you.” Believe me, these words can be magic.

4. Polished Ideas

This is a somewhat combination of points 1 and 2. Again, men don’t thrive when you emotionally hash out ideas. So when he is doing something that you don’t like, you are angry with something, or you want something to change – you need to bring to him a polished idea. Like I said before, clear and concise information regarding what you don’t like. And that doesn’t mean demanding or nagging. Sometimes it just means saying, “Have you ever thought about this?” and laying your idea or need out there. He might take sometime to process, but a good man that loves you will 99% of the time say “ok!” and change what it is that is bothering you.

5. Follow up to point four – Don’t nag

Like I’d said, it may take some time to process new ideas. One thing that I love about my mother, is there are things that drive her CRAZY about my dad, and they have for years! And my mom has made note of them a few times, but then just let them be. And you know what? Sometimes it has taken a long time, but more often than not, my dad has come around and said, ” You know I am thinking about fixing this.” And my mom simply raises her eyebrow and says, “You know honey, I think that is a wonderful idea.” Talk about patience!

6. Be the cheerleader

This may be one of the most important points to a guy. You need to cheer him on. A man that knows that he is your hero is willing to do anything for you. And I don’t say this to tell you how to manipulate men, that’s ovbiously not the point. I say this because cheering on your man is the emotional “You’re beautiful” that we as women need. We need to be told that we are lovely, beautiful, and stunning. Men need to hear, “You can do it!” They need to be told that in the face of all that opposes them in this world, that we stand behind them. That they are smart enough, capable enough and brave enough to face the challenges of the day. I promise you, if you cheer your man on everyday, you will be amazed at all of the things that he goes after just because you voice your belief in him.

Ok, that’s all the secrets I have for you today. Like I said, I don’t speak fluent man, I simply have a small working knowledge. And hopefully it comes in handy for you in your relationships and marraiges. One can only hope that I get to put this all to good use sometime in the not too distant future.*

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2,1….

Happy New Year!

Over the last few days we have all put on our cocktail dresses, collared shirts and worn silly hats. We’ve  drank champagne, cocktails and champagne cocktails. We’ve gone to parties, danced, and flirted. We’ve counted down the moments and all either kissed (or looked around awkwardly because you didn’t kiss at midnight). We’ve sung “The Quantiance”  (or Auld Lang Syne for those of you cultured enough to know the real words). We’ve nursed our hang overs (becuase I’ve been told that Champagne and Tequila is a bad idea), and we’ve looked around and decided that we should be getting ready for the New Year that stands before us.

So what does that mean? New Years Resolutions.

Yep. We all make them. Each year we resolve to be better, be bigger, stronger, richer, nicer, thinner, prettier, and wiser. We want to make new friends, appreciate our old friends, be better about budgeting, working out, staying in, eating out, or staying thin.

And maybe I’m a but of a cynic, but here is the part that I don’t get: If you really could be thinner, smarter, and better…wouldn’t you be there already? I like to assume that each of us takes on life with our best foot (feet?) forward each day. And that if you really could be so much better at balancing our check books, making it to the gym, or eating less cholesterol, wouldn’t we already be doing it? Like I said, I may be cynical, but I have a hard time believing that we are going to change our weaknesses just because we try harder come January.

ok, before I get ahead of myself, I get it that resolutions are just for fun. And there’s nothing wrong with looking around at your life and taking a glace at things you can do better.  I mean, is there anything wrong with making January a sort of observation point, and a place to make room for a change of direction?

For New Year’s Eve, we all sat around the table at Morton’s, sipping cocktails and munching glorious appetizers. And while we basked in the last few moments of 2008, we went around the table and gave our resolutions. One of my friends says, “I don’t know if this counts as a resolution, but I do have goals for this year,” and she went on to tell that she wants to do an Olympic Triathlon before the end of 2009.

Maybe that’s what I like the idea of goals instead of resolutions. My dad has always said to me,”There are two keys to being happy. One – what is it you want to be happy? Two – when will you know when you get it?” I find it funny that we think that we can simply resolve to be better at something, and *bam* you will be better. Mainly because like I’d said, if we could operate more efficiently at something, wouldn’t we be doing it since last year anyway? I like the idea of goals better because you know exactly when you finish it. Want to run a marathon? You know when you cross the finish line. You want to start your own business? You know when you are the owner and you are taking steps toward making money.

I personally am being called by a couple of mountains in Oregon called the Three Sisters. I would love to summit the mountain this year, and wouldn’t mind finding the end of the Grand Canyon or the top of Half Dome. Call them goals, call them resolutions, I don’t even know if it matters. I just think that there are exciting things and places out there in life, and I would love to give it a shot.

Do you resolve? Does 2009 mean a new beginning for you? Or do you think its just a trite thing that we think about as we toast champagne and sing “The Quaintence?”

Happy New Year!