Since I have been home, spending much of my time par-oozing the Internet for employment opportunities, I have most definitely come across some amazing employment ideas. See, as my plans have begun to come together, I have looked into various options overseas. The thing is, I am looking tp possibly leave in approximately five to six months, so that means I will have to find some “temporary employment” options. And when you think about, you really can do anything for 5 to 6 months – which has allowed me to have some creative freedoms in the job search.

I have had some fairly safe employment ideas, such as being an admin or some sort of clerical worker. But then there have been moments where I have had marvelous ideas. There is one in particular that I am bent on trying to figure out how in the world such a beautiful idea went so wrong.

I want to be a mail carrier for the U.S. Postal Service.

Yes, you heard me correctly. I saw the job description, and suddenly knew that all of my worries in life were cured. I was going to get the most stunning job in the world – I had spinning images of me in dark blue Dickie shorts, socks pulled up my calves, and a tan wide brimmed hat. I would have a side satchel filled with mail slung over my crisp pin-stripped shirt, complete with “Jenni” embroidered over the pocket. I would be smiling, and I would have my ipod buds in both ears.

The birds are chirping, the sun is out, and the flowers are blooming. Maybe even the trees and the clouds would all magically have little faces and begin singing with me as I stroll down the street “Zip-it-y do da! Zip-it-y A!” I would smile at small children, and hand them their mail with a smile. “Go give this you your mommy!” And then I would pat their golden curls before they would run inside with the letters tucked under their little arms.

What job could be better?

Not to mention that any kind of government worker makes generous salaries, coupled with well rounded benefits, and unbelievable retirement packages. So clearly, my problems are solved. I am going to get a job with the U.S. Postal Service, and I am going to be a happy camper.

So I email my resume (seriously, I sent it in). Immediately, I get an email indicating that I am a “great match for the open position at the U. S. Postal Service!” Perfect! That was so quick!! The email continued to say that I needed to call the listed number and talk to one of their hiring specialist to get hired right away.

So what did  I do? I picked up the phone and called the hot line. A gentleman picked up, asking me if I had already sent in my resume. “Yes, I did,” I told him.

“Now,” he says to me, “Have you already had your test scores sent into our offices?”

Screeching Halt. “Test Scores?”

“Yes,” he continues, “There is a test that you will need to take first in order to be eligible to apply.”

My visions of little chirping birdies and singing flowers is already beginning to fade. “Can you please give me further information regarding this so called test?”

“Sure,” he says, “Its a test with about 100 questions on it…”

 ”What kind of questions?” I interrupt. “Is it like 1) Where does the mail go? …answer: in the mail box. 2)Do you shoot people when you get stressed out? …answer:No.”

He laughs. “Well Miss, not quite. Its a bit more intensive than that.”

 Crap. This is already way more work than I had planned on doing….and I havent even finished applying yet. He went onto explain that it is 100 questions, and it involves memorization of postal codes and various city limits, etc. He mentioned that there were study materials to help prepare for the test.

“Are you kidding me?” I ask him. “These people carry around these huge heavy bags all day long, you make them walk in all of the elements, and you are going to make them memorize all that crap before they can even apply? That’s a jip!”

He laughed. “The test is not actually that bad. And we do offer excellent retirement benefits. It really can be a great employment opportunity.”

“Ok,” I say, “I’ll take the test. Send me out the materials.” I figured that I can study between applying for other jobs. And who knows, it might be really easy! And then I can have my dream of wearing white socks pulled to my mid calf as I deliver mail to happy children.

“Ok,” He replies, “Did I tell you about the cost of materials?”

At this point I am literally raising my eyebrows. “Cost? You not only are going to make me take a test to have this crappy job….but you are going to make me PAY to take it? How much does it cost?”

ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS.

Ladies and gentlemen, I kid you not. Your post man had to pay $150 of their own money to walk around all day and deliver mail. And that is when I decided that the U.S. Postal Service was the biggest jip around.

“You know, No thanks. I dont want to be a postal worker anymore.” I told him. And then I hung up before he could respond.

And do you want to know the crappy part? They have my email. And now they are sending me 3 emails a day to try to convince me to pay them to work for them.

U.S. Postal Service, you are a lie.