My eyes are burning. And it has been a struggle to hold back the tears all day. In fact, I haven’t really done such a good job at holding back….I have oscillated between being numb and crying for the last few hours. As my mind swirls, I almost feel as if my fingers are paralyzed into a strike – refusing to move until they know what they are trying to do.

And in this moment there are a lot of things that I do not know. There are a lot of things that I am unsure of. Things that make the hot tears threaten over my eyelids and make the words blur as I try to express one single thought of clarity.

But there are a lot of things that I do know. I want to run. I want to write. I want very much to be big. To see beautiful things and have beautiful friends.  To have picture albums filled with smiles and heartache. To be in touch with passions inside my heart. To not forget who I want to be and what is true of me. To use my passport. To write things that make people laugh and to cry.  To have a career that allows me to answer to no clock – working into the wee hours of the night and sleeping through half of the morning if I so choose.

I love my friend Dana. I called her in tears to tell her about my tragic life questions and doubts, and somehow, she seems to see with clarity. It isn’t long before she is asking me about where I am going in life and how come I haven’t been writing as often. She says to me, “You know Jenni, there is something about you that always makes me think that you are going somewhere big. And I think writing is a big part of that.”

I may not know if I am going to have to walk through life solo once again, but it is good to be reminded of the things that you love, that you used to remember that you loved. Not that I ever forgot, but maybe just to see things with spotlights. High beams that shout “Jenni, don’t forget about us.”

I want to move. I want to travel. I want a promotion. I am itchy. And here is the place where I often find myself frustrated. I said to Dana, “When do we just get to a place where everything is ok?” And of course being Dana, she replies, “If I have learned anything from you Jenni it is this…God is never ok with us being ok. He is never ok with us being complacent. You always have to reach for something bigger.”

……an unfinished blog from several months ago.  Maybe unfinished, but a damn good reminder