Borderline Blasphemous Thoughts: Is God a Show Off Child?
“Well Jenni, when it rains it pours.”
If I had a nickle every time someone has said that to me this week – I wouldn’t be as worried about being poor from my recent unemployment. And yes, the saying is ringing true because not only did I get laid off, but my boyfriend and I broke things off just a day or two ago. And I’m not looking for an Internet lark about how much I miss him or hate him….let’s leave that to the Junior Highers. For the record, it was seen in coming, he is a wonderful guy and unfortunately it was bad timing for the two of us. I’m sad to see him leave my life, but know that he has been nothing short of a gentleman toward me….which I suppose makes ending a relationship feel that much worse. Anyway, not the point.
What is the point is how this layered bad news has suddenly caused a very serious line of questioning in my mind. I’m angry. I’m crazy angry. And not at my ex, or at my job that laid me off. I’m angry I’m back here again – in the valley of life. When my ex first left my house after it was all over – the first thing into my head was simply “SERIOUSLY GOD? HONESTLY.” I mean I would LOVE to loose my job and my boyfriend in the same week – is there anyway that we can make that happen?
-I’m entering disclaimer here: The thoughts that you are about to read are on the bold side. Possibly even pushing the envelope. I’m not trying to be dramatic, or disrespectful. Just being honest and real about what today looks like from my eyes. Read on with caution, and please don’t leave condemning comments about what a blasphemer I am.-
This last year has been hard for me – in fact, the past few years have been hard for me. I’ve even had friends say to me “Man Jenni, this has not been easy for you” In the course of 2008 I have nearly immigrated to Canada, nearly gotten engaged, nearly changed careers, then suddenly gotten dumped, suddenly NOT moved to Canada, NOT gotten married, and NOT changed careers, I’ve moved 3 times, I’ve started a new job, I’ve gotten laid off, and I’ve just said ‘goodbye’ to quite possibly the heathliest relationship with the most respectful guy that I have ever known. The words “Stripped Bare” come to mind….and shortly on their heels is “What the hell God?”
What the hell God?
The part that makes me angry is where the answer comes saying: we are all here to bring God glory. That people say “He will never give you more than you can handle” and “He knows what he is doing – it will all work out to bring him glory.”
See, that makes me angry. Part of me looks at this whole thing and has to question “Is God a drama queen?” Is there some reason that coming through for me with plenty of time isn’t cool enough for God – He’s gotta pull some Disneyland Spectacular Firework show of coming through with just what I need in the 11th hour, withthe whole thing on fire and covered with glitter?
He can’t just be ok with me asking “Hey God, I have 8 weeks to find a job” And he says “Sure Jenni, I’m big enough where I don’t need all 8 weeks and won’t make you sweat…I’ll give it to you in two.” I feel like it always has to be this “stripping” experience…where the bottom falls out of my world – where its an 11th hour miracle – where its all fireworks and Fantasia. And part of me is beginning to look at it all in disgust.
God if this is your glory – I don’t want it. It hurts too much.
I have this cousin, she’s 11 years old. She’s ADHD and an only child, but yet she’s wicked smart – ranking in the college levels. She ’s impulsive from the ADHD, and she talks al ot - and from being the only child in her house she NEEDS to be the center of attention. If she’s not being listened to as she rambles away or cracks jokes, she gets her feelings hurt. And there were times today where I just looked at her and couldn’t help but ask “God are you the same way?” Are you like some insecure, impulsive, only-child that NEEDS us all to pay attention to you all the time? Where you need to decide that I don’t need a job or a boyfriend….so I’ll have more time to play “Old Maid” with you – like my cousin does? Don’t get me wrong, I love my cousin; she’s sweet and her habits are endearing…but I don’t want my God like that.
I don’t want a God brings glory through making me cry. Who “makes me a person of character” through destroying my life every 12 months. I get it that bad things happen to people – but honestly – I don’tknow anyone who has been as grounded as I have been and yet still has had to deal with this much shit so close together. I feel like I might as well be smoking crack and partying my life away – at least the consequences will feel justified.
But that’s the thing – I don’t want to party my life away. I don’t want drugs. I just want what seems to come so easily to my friends: a job that pays my bills and makes me happy, a man that loves me and likes to take me on fun dates and laugh withme, an interesting life filled with adventures and beauty.
Is that too much to ask?
As mad as this all makes me, I know God isn’t a show off child like my cousin, and he doesn’t need Disney to make his miracles worth it. God is good. He does not simply emulate goodness…the essence of goodness is his being. I know that. And I think I’m ok with thinking these kinds of things because I know that God is big enough to hear them. He’s not going to get his panties in a bunch because I’m asking hard questions. Am I happy with God? Absolutely not. But am I about to curse God, or walk away? Eh, not today.
The thing is, I’ve realized it’s good to question truth. Because you are never going to be lead away from what is real. And at the end of the day, I’m not looking for a small fake God. I’m looking for the real deal. And if that means having the bottom smashed out of my world, and having me raise my fist and question God’s need to show off - so be it. I’ll be the one who’s bold enough to ask “God are you a dramatic, ADHD, spoiled only child who NEEDS me to be in pain so you can look cool?”
I’m hoping the answer’s no. I’m hoping the answer is that answer is God looks at me and simply says “Jenni, where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Or who laid the cornerstone, while all of the morning stars sang together and the angel’s shouted for joy? Have you every given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn it’s place? Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea, or walked recesses of the deep? Have you entered the store houses of snow, or seen the storehouses of hail? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?” (Job 38-39)
Because I would rather have that God. A God that is the shit, and wants to create real Fantasia in my life for the purpose of something real; not simply sparkles and drama for the sake of anxiety and excitement. I would feel more ok with saying “ok God” to the one that has the world at his command.
I’m still mad. I’m still really hurting. And I don’t know where this whole thing is going – or what God is trying to prove by clearing my life. But I think when you are really mad an hurting, I need God to be the shit. Because if God is just the show off child, I’m more lost than I bargained for.
God is the Sh**! Absolutely. It reminds me of those baby onsies My dad can beat up your dad or my dad is a better surfer than your dad.
My God is the Sh**! What about yours?
Yeah – I’m leaving you another comment… it stems from the fact that I’m not working and discovered you wrote more blogs… God make shake up your life and put you on your toes and push you farther than you want to be pushed and or think you can handle… but it’s funny because about 20 minutes ago I just read your blog about the day you found the screw in your tire and you discovered that you had to choose which “wolf” you would feed. I’m not saying this because it sounds right to say – I’m saying it because it sucks to hear, and it’s 1000 x’s easier to say it than it is to live it. The last 12 months Mason and I have gone through every imaginable thing we could have… we got married, found out we were pregnant (2 months after marriage), almost foreclosed on our place, but finally 6 months later closed and it was a “short sale” which doesn’t hurt our credit AS MUCH, I stopped working (which definately effects our income) and of course I have been hormonal as hell – which we all know makes everything magnified a million times. My mom and I joked that Mase and I went through everything except a death in the family… oh wait, this past October, my uncle shot himself…. The amazing thing is God will completely rattle your world, turn it upside down and push you when you don’t want to be pushed… but he won’t let the bottom of your world fall out. But it’s all in how you look at it – like you said with the wolves….
Alright, sorry I rambled so long – Probably WAYYYY too much. Like always, I love your thoughts!
Kelly!!
I love your love! Makes me sad when people read and don’t leave their thoughts…I left them mine, please return the favor! Haha.
I had no idea that you had been through so much this year! I am so sorry that it has been a struggle. Believe me I know what that can feel like….I just think on some level I do question if God is going to come through for me. On an intellectual level of course we know this – but it feels extremely exposed.
Anway, thanks for the love. I will keep writing the blogs for your future entertainment!
Jenni,
My mommy’s heart breaks to know your hurting so much. And part of me wants to say, “God, I think You can stop now. She get’s it!” O.K. I REALLY did say that, in a not so nice way. And your right He can take it. And here is the crazy beauty of it all, unless we are as real and raw as you’ve allowed yourself to be, we will NEVER come to the place to “know” the depths of Him, His comfort, His mercy, His compassion and His greatness toward us. So, as it’s raining, no wait pouring, let me hold you with one arm and the umbrella of my prayers over you with the other. While many have only Job as a compass to navigate through the **** storm, you and I have Grandma! And the truth be told she has one arm around you and I and the other holds her umbrella of prayers over you and I. May you and I one day be the “Job”, no better Grandma to our daughters and grand daughters when life’s storms hit. Because they will come. Whether we press into God or away from God. I love you Jenni. I’m so PROUD of you. Many mother might brag on the accomplishments of their daughters, I brag about your HEART who continue to press towards God. Wow! I’m am the riches of Mommies because of you.
Hi Sweetheart,
I can’t tell you much about God or how to relate to him that you already don’t know. One day, we’ll all be standing before him in heaven. We’ll all be given glorified bodies but where do you think our character and our inner strength will come from? I think we’ll bring that with us.
Love,
Dad
P.S. tell Dana that her Dad can’t beat me up!
i actually love your blog….it should be titled Jennie’s Job
keep writing and keep asking God the big questions, he will answer. i asked similar questions but the anwere surprised me. its okay to be in a sucky place and question why you are in that place. God allows many things for reason only He knows why in the end and we as puiny little minded humans have a hard time understanding while we are in the maze. the difference with many is that you my dear Jennie are questioning and a question to God is always answered….love you
A few thoughts as I read:
First of all, this blog didn’t end the way I thought it would. I like your ending better.
“He will never give you more than you can handle” — this verse is always taken out of context. I said this to Meg once when she was struggling and she flipped out. (”No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13) It is about temptation, not struggle. When I really studied this idea and thought about it, I realized He WILL give you more than you can bear. Because that means you will be broken. And your brokenness brings you to Him. And if you think you can do it on your own, you will. So He’s going to take it away.
“Who “makes me a person of character” through destroying my life every 12 months.” I know you can take this truth from me because I love you and want to see you grow — not because I’m mean. But remember that it’s not YOUR life. You gave your life to Him a long time ago, remember? You are merely the vessel, as your dad said, and the conduit for His beauty. The world is watching — people like you and people like Kelly here — to see what your reaction is. Will you, like Job’s friends wanted him to do, deny God and try to tackle life on your own? Or will you rest, knowing that EVEN IF the bottom of your world drops out, you are saved by grace. You are redeemed. You have already been rescued from this world.
I think it’s funny that Kelly referenced your WOLF entry. We never asked for easy, did we? We just never thought it would be like THIS!
Think of all of this from another perspective — you are at the forefront of a crazy race that has begun. A crazy change in the way our society operates. We’re all going to be there, Jenni. We’re all going to have all of this taken away. Show us how its done with grace!
A few thoughts:
First of all, this blog didn’t end the way I thought it would. I like your ending better.
“He will never give you more than you can handle” — this verse is always taken out of context. I said this to Meg once when she was struggling and she flipped out. (”No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13) It is about temptation, not struggle. When I really studied this idea and thought about it, I realized He WILL give you more than you can bear. Because that means you will be broken. And your brokenness brings you to Him. And if you think you can do it on your own, you will. So He’s going to take it away.
“Who “makes me a person of character” through destroying my life every 12 months.” I know you can take this truth from me because I love you and want to see you grow — not because I’m mean. But remember that it’s not YOUR life. You gave your life to Him a long time ago, remember? You are merely the vessel, as your dad said, and the conduit for His beauty. The world is watching — people like you and people like Kelly here — to see what your reaction is. Will you, like Job’s friends wanted him to do, deny God and try to tackle life on your own? Or will you rest, knowing that EVEN IF the bottom of your world drops out, you are saved by grace. You are redeemed. You have already been rescued from this world.
I think it’s funny that Kelly referenced your WOLF entry. We never asked for easy, did we? We just never thought it would be like THIS!
Think of all of this from another perspective — you are at the forefront of a crazy race that has begun. A crazy change in the way our society operates. We’re all going to be there, Jenni. We’re all going to have all of this taken away. Show us how its done with grace!
The Top Ten Reasons why I Hate Angela
1) She knows me better than I know myself
2) She has had a front row seat to the saga of my broken life for the past few years
3) She has gone through shitty things too
4) She can lay it to me straight….and often does
5) She has held my hand through most of my crap…and by holding my hand I mean inviting me over to dinner. Not Panera Bread Dinner….like homemade Angela dinner. Completely made with love…and then enhanced a bottle of wine.
6) She has had avdentures in her life too…and she is great. And she is constantly pushing me to seek the adventures and to not be afraid of my own greatness.
7) She’s human and makes mistakes. She’s not some perfect hero that you feel like you could never be….she takes advice just as readily as she gives it
She is amazing at parties and getting people together and making them feel warmed and welcomed…in fact when I first met her I was in a heap of a mess – and I just showed up on her porch one day and decided not to leave for a few years….and she’s never made me feel awful about it
9) It was Angela that taught me what it looks like to be a woman. To have boundaries, to be brave, to laugh at life when it hurts you, to cook like you are loving someone, to drink like its the last night of your life, to sit around the fire and smoke hooka, to dance, to make cards and to take pictures. I think when that guy in Proverbs was writing about what women should be like…he probably had someone like Angela in mind.
10) Did I mention that she loves to drink?
….so clearly, Angela is a bad person. I think after seeing the convincing evidence on this list…we are going to have to stop being friends.
You are too sweet. I love you too. And treasure your friendship.
Hey honey
I miss you so much. You know some of the stuff I’ve been through over the past 4-5 months – got cheated on, stayed with the guy, the girl (his ex) supposedly got pregnant and supposedly miscarried, I got chlamydia, had to leave my job (unrelated, of course lol)without a new one confirmed and moved to be with him in the midst of all the madness, went through him feeling so guilty he wanted to break up with me cause he felt I deserved better etc., started a new job that has me working late more often than not amazing as it may be, had to move house again whilst up here. He starts a new job which we’ve been praying for and he loves, the guy he gets along with best there is the girl’s new boyfriend.
It’s crazy we seem to be going through so much at the same time. And I have a lot of the same thoughts.
I wanna talk to you. Can we Skype?
xxx
[...] praying. And I’m brutally honest with God. You might know that from reading some of my “I’m Angry At God” blogs. So I say, “God, I’m afraid to ask for this job. I don’t even want to utter [...]
[...] I’m brutally honest with God. You might know that from reading some of my “I’m Angry At God” blogs. So I say, “God, I’m afraid to ask for this job. I don’t even want to [...]