“Well Jenni, when it rains it pours.”

If I had a nickle every time someone has said that to me this week – I wouldn’t be as worried about being poor from my recent unemployment. And yes, the saying is ringing true because not only did I get laid off, but my boyfriend and I broke things off just a day or two ago. And I’m not looking for an Internet lark about how much I miss him or hate him….let’s leave that to the Junior Highers. For the record, it was seen in coming, he is a wonderful guy and unfortunately it was bad timing for the two of us. I’m sad to see him leave my life, but know that he has been nothing short of a gentleman toward me….which I suppose makes ending a relationship feel that much worse. Anyway, not the point.

What is the point is how this layered bad news has suddenly caused a very serious line of questioning in my mind. I’m angry. I’m crazy angry. And not at my ex, or at my job that laid me off. I’m angry I’m back here again – in the valley of life. When my ex first left my house after it was all over – the first thing into my head was simply “SERIOUSLY GOD? HONESTLY.” I mean I would LOVE to loose my job and my boyfriend in the same week – is there anyway that we can make that happen?

-I’m entering disclaimer here: The thoughts that you are about to read are on the bold side. Possibly even pushing the envelope. I’m not trying to be dramatic, or disrespectful. Just being honest and real about what today looks like from my eyes. Read on with caution, and please don’t leave condemning comments about what a blasphemer I am.-

This last year has been hard for me – in fact, the past few years have been hard for me. I’ve even had friends say to me “Man Jenni, this has not been easy for you”  In the course of 2008 I have nearly immigrated to Canada, nearly gotten engaged, nearly changed careers, then suddenly gotten dumped, suddenly NOT moved to Canada, NOT gotten married, and NOT changed careers, I’ve moved 3 times, I’ve started a new job, I’ve gotten laid off, and I’ve just said ‘goodbye’ to quite possibly the heathliest relationship with the most respectful guy that I have ever known. The words “Stripped Bare” come to mind….and shortly on their heels is “What the hell God?”

What the hell God?

The part that makes me angry is where the answer comes saying: we are all here to bring God glory. That people say “He will never give you more than you can handle” and “He knows what he is doing – it will all work out to bring him glory.”

See, that makes me angry. Part of me looks at this whole thing and has to question “Is God a drama queen?” Is there some reason that coming through for me with plenty of time isn’t cool  enough for God – He’s gotta pull some Disneyland Spectacular Firework show of coming through with just what I need in the 11th hour, withthe whole thing on fire and covered with glitter?

He can’t just be ok with me asking “Hey God, I have 8 weeks to find a job” And he says “Sure Jenni, I’m big enough where I don’t need all 8 weeks and won’t make you sweat…I’ll give it to you in two.” I feel like it always has to be this “stripping” experience…where the bottom falls out of my world – where its an 11th hour miracle – where its all fireworks and Fantasia. And part of me is beginning to look at it all in disgust.

 God if this is your glory – I don’t want it. It hurts too much.

I have this cousin, she’s 11 years old. She’s ADHD and an only child, but yet she’s wicked smart – ranking in the college levels. She ’s impulsive from the ADHD, and she talks al ot -  and from being the only child in her house she NEEDS to be the center of attention. If she’s not being listened to as she rambles away or cracks jokes, she gets her feelings hurt. And there were times today where I just looked at her and couldn’t help but ask “God are you the same way?” Are you like some insecure, impulsive, only-child that NEEDS us all to pay attention to you all the time? Where you need to decide that I don’t need a job or a boyfriend….so I’ll have more time to play “Old Maid” with you – like my cousin does? Don’t get me wrong, I love my cousin; she’s sweet and her habits are endearing…but I don’t want my God like that.

I don’t want a God brings glory through making me cry. Who “makes me a person of character” through destroying my life every 12 months. I get it that bad things happen to people – but honestly – I don’tknow anyone who has been as grounded as I have been and yet still has had to deal with this much shit so close together. I feel like I might as well be smoking crack and partying my life away – at least the consequences will feel justified.

But that’s the thing – I don’t want to party my life away. I don’t want drugs. I just want what seems to come so easily to my friends: a job that pays my bills and makes me happy, a man that loves me and likes to take me on fun dates and laugh withme, an interesting life filled with adventures and beauty.

Is that too much to ask?

As mad as this all makes me, I know God isn’t a show off child like my cousin, and he doesn’t need Disney to make his miracles worth it. God is good. He does not simply emulate goodness…the essence of goodness is his being. I know that. And I think I’m ok with thinking these kinds of things because I know that God is big enough to hear them. He’s not going to get his panties in a bunch because I’m asking hard questions. Am I happy with God? Absolutely not. But am I about to curse God, or walk away? Eh, not today. 

The thing is, I’ve realized it’s good to question truth. Because you are never going to be lead away from what is real. And at the end of the day, I’m not looking for a small fake God. I’m looking for the real deal. And if that means having the bottom smashed out of my world, and having me raise my fist and question God’s need to show off - so be it. I’ll be the one who’s bold enough to ask “God are you a dramatic, ADHD, spoiled only child who NEEDS me to be in pain so you can look cool?”

I’m hoping the answer’s no. I’m hoping the answer is that answer is God looks at me and simply says “Jenni, where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Or who laid the cornerstone, while all of the morning stars sang together and the angel’s shouted for joy? Have you every given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn it’s place? Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea, or walked recesses of the deep? Have you entered the store houses of snow, or seen the storehouses of hail? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?” (Job 38-39)

Because I would rather have that God. A God that is the shit, and wants to create real Fantasia in my life for the purpose of something real; not simply sparkles and drama for the sake of anxiety and excitement. I would feel more ok with saying “ok God” to the one that has the world at his command. 

 I’m still mad. I’m still really hurting. And I don’t know where this whole thing is going – or what God is trying to prove by clearing my life. But I think when you are really mad an hurting, I need God to be the shit. Because if God is just the show off child, I’m more lost than I bargained for.

The biggest news in my life as of yet….I’m unemployed. Apparently my global Fortune 500 company can do without the Executive administration of Jenni Brown – because they gave me 8 weeks of severance and sent me packing.

As my boyfriend called it, it’s not like loosing your job, it’s more like 8 weeks of “paid vacation!” Which seemed to ring pretty true for most of last week. I cleaned, I filed, and vacuumed, I did laundry – visited friends and working out everyday…it just seemed like it was 5pm before I even blinked.

But then yesterday, while my man was working from home, I came down the stairs and he said to me “So what are you going to do today?” And there it was – he’s sitting at his kitchen surrounded in files and emails, with his attorney job in his brand new house…and there I am standing in my pajamas thinking “I have no where to be today…I have nothing to do and no where to go….I have no appointments, I have no people waiting for me….I’m just useless, and fruitless, and hopeless, and worthless…” And then came the flood of tears as I crumbled in his bathroom – proceeding to cry for the next hour or so.

Now I know that this is the part where everyone is going to comment and say “Jenni you are not worthless…bla bla bla” – and its good to hear those things, but I want to interject here that I do know it. I suppose what just surprised me the most was just that the words of one man letting me go a few weeks ago could echo so loudly in my insides. Or simply that my little notepads with my name and job title on the top of them would be so meaningful to what I have to offer the world. And we all know that our jobs don’t define us – but get laid off and I promise there will be a day where you are the a least a bit shaken.

The thing is, I’m hungry. Last year I spent 7 months looking for jobs. 3 of those months were in Canada, and when I finally had a job, there suddnely was no reason to go to Canada anymore. Thus I began the search back here in Orange County. And after that experience, I am beginning to think that there is a limit or a capacity that a person has to hearing the words “I’m sorry, you just don’t match what we are looking for.” I know it isn’t personal, or that they aren’t saying that you aren’t a great person with lots of skills – they are just saying that you aren’t THEIR great person with skills. But I think after you hear it 1,050 times (7 months x 30 days/mo. X 5 job applications/day = 1, 050 rejections) it begins to wear on you just a little bit.

I just want to be taken seriously. To have someone say to me “You know, you work hard and we really think you are a great asset to this company and we would love to continue to let you handle projects with more responsibility.” And instead, I feel like I keep getting “Can you please fax this?” Maybe I’m looking in the wrong kinds of careers, or maybe its just a little over zealous, but I am beginning to questions whether or not I am cut out for this career thing at all. And this is the thoughts that bring us to me lying on my boyfriends bathroom floor in a crumbled heap. Beautiful isn’t it?

So, today is Tuesday and a new day. I got up and went walking. And then got dressed and brushed my teeth. I sent out some applications and went to Starbucks to get a part time job before I’m declared legally insane…or clinically depressed – or both. Gotta celebrate the small victories, like my mom says. So hurray for me: I’m showered, I have make up on, and I’m getting the ball rolling.

And it is in the car on the way back from Starbucks that I am reminded of where I am at in life. Apparently teenage pop does have some vital life lessons, because Jordin Sparks essentially kicked my depressed ass:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pI-H8Vlwbck

One Step at a Time:

Hurry Up and Wait, so close but so far away. Everything that you always dreamed of – close enough for you taste, but you just touch.

So you want to show the world but no one knows your name yet, you dont know where and how you’re going to make it. You know you can if you get the chance – in your face the door keeps slammin. Now your feeling more and more frustrating, and you’re getting all kinda impatient. Watin – we live and we learn to take

One step at a time, there’s no need to rush, it’s like learning to fly or falling in love. It’s gonna happen when its supposed to happen, and we’ll find the reasons why, one step at a time.

You believe and you doubt, you’re confused and you have it all figured out. Everything that you’ve always wished for – could be yours, should be yours, would be yours, if they only knew.

So you want to show the world but no one knows your name yet, you dont know where and how you’re going to make it. You know you can if you get the chance – in your face the door keeps slammin. Now your feeling more and more frustrating, and youre getting all kinda impatient. Watin – we live and we learn to take

One step at a time, there’s no need to rush, it’s like learning to fly or falling in love. It’s gonna happen when its supposed to happen, and we’ll find the reasons why, one step at a time.

When you can’t wait any longer, but there’s no end in sight – you need to find your strength – its your faith that makes you stronger… only way we get there is one step at a time.

One step at a time, there’s no need to rush, it’s like learning to fly or falling in love. It’s gonna happen when its supposed to happen, and we’ll find the reasons why, one step at a time.

OK Jordin. Thanks for kicking my ass into shape. You may have written just be a teeny-bopper song for 14 year old…but maybe there is some profound wisdom in your words. So for today, I’ve picked myself up out of my closet – resigned to the fact that no I can’t live there no matter how many HR Recruiters tell me that I’m not qualified to do some menial task like filing or picking strawberries….because apparently in this economy you need a P.h.D to prove that you know how to turn on a computer.

And for any of you out there who know of any job openings, I have decided to that I am open to anything short of prostitution…but only because I don’t think my boyfriend would like it if I start selling myself for sex.

OK that was a joke. But I am really looking for jobs. Hook a sister up.

My eyes are burning. And it has been a struggle to hold back the tears all day. In fact, I haven’t really done such a good job at holding back….I have oscillated between being numb and crying for the last few hours. As my mind swirls, I almost feel as if my fingers are paralyzed into a strike – refusing to move until they know what they are trying to do.

And in this moment there are a lot of things that I do not know. There are a lot of things that I am unsure of. Things that make the hot tears threaten over my eyelids and make the words blur as I try to express one single thought of clarity.

But there are a lot of things that I do know. I want to run. I want to write. I want very much to be big. To see beautiful things and have beautiful friends.  To have picture albums filled with smiles and heartache. To be in touch with passions inside my heart. To not forget who I want to be and what is true of me. To use my passport. To write things that make people laugh and to cry.  To have a career that allows me to answer to no clock – working into the wee hours of the night and sleeping through half of the morning if I so choose.

I love my friend Dana. I called her in tears to tell her about my tragic life questions and doubts, and somehow, she seems to see with clarity. It isn’t long before she is asking me about where I am going in life and how come I haven’t been writing as often. She says to me, “You know Jenni, there is something about you that always makes me think that you are going somewhere big. And I think writing is a big part of that.”

I may not know if I am going to have to walk through life solo once again, but it is good to be reminded of the things that you love, that you used to remember that you loved. Not that I ever forgot, but maybe just to see things with spotlights. High beams that shout “Jenni, don’t forget about us.”

I want to move. I want to travel. I want a promotion. I am itchy. And here is the place where I often find myself frustrated. I said to Dana, “When do we just get to a place where everything is ok?” And of course being Dana, she replies, “If I have learned anything from you Jenni it is this…God is never ok with us being ok. He is never ok with us being complacent. You always have to reach for something bigger.”

……an unfinished blog from several months ago.  Maybe unfinished, but a damn good reminder