These past few weeks, as the schedule of my life has been peppered with all kinds of new commitments, I have found myself struggling with an old issue in a new outfit. Being an extroverted person who loves parties, friends, athletic activities, artistic activities, food centered activities….or ANY kind of activities for that matter – I have often found that it seems that my life is sucked away from under my feet. It seems that I blink and a month has gone by. And often times, even though I feel busy, I cannot tell you what I have been so busy doing. Playing, working, thinking, writing, driving, visiting, laughing, crying, running, climbing, dancing, cleaning, not cleaning, paying bills, wishing I didn’t have to pay bills, shopping, talking on the phone, wishing I had remembered to charge my blue tooth headset so I could talk on the phone, being late to work,…I can’t even get my brain around where my times goes.

        And it must have been two weeks ago when I was at church (because most of my amazing writing ideas come to me either in the shower or when I am sitting in church), our pastor Mike Erre says something to the effect of things “rivaling for attention in my life.”

…Rivaling for attention…

        This is exactly it! I find that in my life, I have moments of getting it – of having the vision and longevity to see the person that I want to be. And the rest of the time, I feel like I am battling the noise of the world for my attention. And this gets me thinking – in those moments where I see the kind of woman that I want to be…what does she look like?

     I have often talked about being a person of texture, and color, and culture, and character, and commitment. And in one way, I realize I’m striving to be interesting. This doesn’t really shock me too badly, because I think in many ways, one of the biggest fears that I have is to wake up one morning in my mid-forties and realize that I have missed it. Life’s adventures have passed me by – I didn’t grip it and rip it, and I had slunk back into a hibernation of mundane boredom. And even worse, I fear that I would realize this too late to do anything to change it.

     In alot of ways, this is the same fear that I had in my early twenties. I was really struggling to discover who I was, and what I had to offer the world. In alot of ways I felt small and unimportant – and desperately wanted to know that I had what it took to do ANYTHING worth telling my story over. 

       And in that time, one of the specifics that I longed after was sky diving.  See, in my mind, there was a particular kind of person that went sky diving. Safe boring people don’t jump out of planes. Interesting people jumped out of planes. People that had wild stories jumped out of planes, people that had courage, and breadth jumped out of planes. This plane-jumping person seemed like the most compelling and intriguing person that I could ever be.

      I don’tknow if any of you listen to the radio, but since working with sales and marketing in my career, I have become a person that is obsessed with good commercials. And at the moment, one of my favorite commericals is the radio ad for Dos Equis, with their “Most Interesting Man in the World”

The Most Interesting Man in the World

        My favorite of these commericals goes like this: “When it’s raining, its because he is sad.  If there was an interesting gland, his would be bigger than most men’s entire lower intestines. His shirts never wrinkle. He is left-handed. And right-handed. If he forgets to put postage on his mail, it would still gets there. He once knew he had called a wrong number, even though the man on the other line wouldn’t admit it. You can see his charisma from space. He once punched a magician. Yeah, that’s right. You heard me. When he orders a salad, he gets the dressing right there on top of the salad, where it belongs…where there’s no turning back. If a monument was built in his honor, Mt. Rushmore would close, due to poor attendance.”  The commerical concludes with this deep sexy voice saying “I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. Stay thirsty my friends.”

     I love this commerical because it speaks to be about this longing to be an interesting and significant person. I want to drink interesting beer. And when I’m really serious bout myself, I realize that I too can fill an entire commerical with what kind of “Most Interesting Woman in the World” I want to be:

      She is always there for her friends – even in the middle of the night. A party doesn’t fully start until she arrives. She is always rested and relaxed, even though she rock climbs, hikes, runs, practices yoga  and kayaks 5 days a week. She has only been at PepsiCo for 7 months, and has already gotten a promotion and a raise. She keeps food in the back of her car in case she finds homeless people on the street that are hungry. She is completely fluent in Spanish so that she can take her Hispanic Catholic Grandmother to mass every Sunday morning, and every Sunday night she helps make a Taco Feast for her immediate family…to be followed by her own church service. She is a deep thinker, and publishes stories in a local magazine, as well as working on her own books. Her thoughts move people to action, and her writing moves people to tears. She has weeks of vacation each year where she travels the globe, visiting friends all over the world. She is never tired, she is never stressed, she is always on time and well dressed.

     Looking at this commerical I have to laugh at myself because in many ways – I spend 90% of my time trying to be this woman. The other 10% of my time I spend in tears BECAUSE I AM EXHAUSTED.

      So this is the part that I don’t get – how do I keep sight of the exciting, adventurous, invested, and committed person that I want to be, and still have time to not be crazy? Slowing down sounds like a good idea, until the thoughts creep into my head silently whispering “Don’t become a cookie cutter person. Don’t be wonder bread.” It may be insulting to some, or hilarious to others…but the image I get in my head is that my skin has gone white my hair has turned blonde, I’m wearing huge diamond earings in each ear and a blue Polo Shirt, while sitting around a table at country club saying to other woman friends “I know! Can you believe her!?” Andthat these gossiping thoughts about my friends were the most interesting thoughts I had to offer the world.

It is in this moment, that I have the compulsion to run out and buy a Dos Equis and suck it down while jumping out of a plane.

     So, in a world where the noises are loud, and everything is rivaling for my attention, how do you do both? How do you relax and take time to enjoy the small moments, while still living right on the edge? How do you have time for your friends, your boyfriend, your family AND your career? How do you vacation and have the newest and greatest things, all while saving your money in the bank?

I know the answer is that you don’t. But when I’m honest, I’m really not ok with that. I want there was more. More time, more money, more energy, more heart. I only want it to be possible, and I want to be good at doing it all. I dont want to have to give up greatness, interesting-ness, or texture just to ensure that I am rested. Yet at the same times, I can feel that I am stretched so thin that I am sure that it is only a matter of time before my soul tears and breaks. I’m not sure how to break the tension between the two extremes. But what I can tell you is that I do drink Dos Equis, and at this point in my life I have jumped out of planes more than once…and it hasnt seemed to make me any more interesting.

Maybe there is something more. Maybe there is something out there that I havent gotten my brain around just yet. But if there is something that will keep me  from waking up at forty in a country club shallow and boring, all I can tell you is that I would jump out of a plane to find it.

            For those of you who keep up with me in my personal life, you might have been able to put two and two together over the last few weeks when it comes to the lack of entries in my blog. I haven’t had as much free time these days, because as most of you know…

 I’ve started dating someone

             Now this past week, one of my buddies who is blogrolled on my page, Jeremy Zach, linked me on his page – indicating that he admired me for my astounding relational insights. And truth be told – I literally laughed out loud when I read it – I thought it had to be a joke. After realizing that it was indeed NOT a joke, I have decided that I write about relationships simply because I don’t get them; I don’t understand them. They intrigue me and frustrate me. Even this past week, I was at a 50^th Wedding Anniversary party, with the couple and their eight children, and countless grand and great-grandchildren…and it blew my mind. The mere idea that two people fell in love and decided to stay together forever, and because of their decisions, they have made a place in the world for all of this? As I stood in the middle of the living room in a beautiful beach house down by the beach with party festivities glowing all around…it literally left me staggering.

So, for the person who is awe of relationships to begin with, and then you throw a new man in the mix….whoa. Can I tell you how much amazing blog material I most likely have pushed through in the past few weeks? I probably could have published a novel at this point with all of the new, scary, and interesting things come all balled up inside of the “New Relationship” Package.

And in all of these new ideas and things, I have struggled with how to express it. Normally I have a thought, I let it come to be, and then blog about it. But knowing that my new man reads my blogs – makes it either seem all a bit trite…or emo kid…or inappropriate…or that I am simply committed to writing in a way that is real and raw, despite my auidence. I suppose this is just a side conversation that I dont have completely worked out yet.  Either way – whether this blog makes me a classic “Internet Emotional vomiter” or a great writer…the one single thought that I can’t seem to get away from over the past few weeks is this:

Relationships are Messy

            Astounding I know. My revelations are nothing short of groundbreaking.  But really, I am shocked at how soon it seems like an ocean’s flood of questions come pouring into my mind…all asking me “How do we navigate this?” There are mere moments when I simply resign to the fact that I will most likely drown in it all…my lungs filling up with water as my skin migrates to a soft blue color…all the while,  my vision growing dim and my body growing heavy to slowly sink to the bottom.

            And here is the thing that everyone, including my new man, keeps telling me “Jenni, no one expects you to have it all together. No one expects you to be perfect. We know that everyone has skeletons in the closet, and that things get messy. Relationships are just that…they are messy.”

            Ok. Great. In one ear and out the other. If it is so true that everyone has crap, and that relationships are so messy…why is it that I cannot fight the compulsion to grab and emotional broom and start sweeping? Why is it that I simply would love to go to Barnes&Nobel Online, and find a copy of How to Have the World’s Perfectly Healthy Relationship Without Ever Making a Single Mistake (Author Unknown…haha get it?).

            I can’t handle the messy. I look at it all and see a raging sea of boundaries, time, availability, vulnerability, sex, not sex, balance, finances, family, strategy, knowledge, God, careers, emotional walls, mental walls, disappointments, expectations, idealizations, dysfunctions, procrastinations….retardations…masturbations.. ok – kidding about those last few, but you see why I can easily go from being fine to doused and thrashing an ocean of thoughts.

            It’s when I get to this place, when I feel like I’ve given the hamster 20 oz. of caffeine and then put him on the wheel, that realize…

There’s no way. Maybe what I really want out of life is simply to be a cat lady. 65 years old, smelly, crazy, talking to myself and covered in cat hair.

         I went out to dinner last night with Ang, one of my best friends. It is then, sitting across the table from one other, that she reaches across the table and grabs my hands and says “No Jenni, no you don’t. I know you don’t. And I won’t let you become that. You can do this, and we are right here beside you the whole way.” … ok Ang – talk about the world’s fastest way to make me tear up right at the table.

            But there is something in that that does make me stand back in awe just a little bit. The fact that I have good friends to ask the hard questions, that I have friends that can tell when I am skirting the hard answers. Maybe that’s beauty of good community, of people that really know you’re heart – they can be our guides, our compasses. My grandma had a quote that I think means a lot more in Spanish, but it essentially means the same as “Keeping on foot on the ground.” In Spanish she’d told me “Jenni, necessita una pie en la tierra.” And what I love about that is that in Spanish it directly translates to: one foot in the earth.

And maybe what I am learning is that this is what good people are to me – they are my anchors, they are my roots. They hold me down and keep me from floating away or sinking to the bottom. And just like I’d said in some of my previous blogs, they remind me who I am – what is already true of me and what doesn’t change. They are the voice of God, whispering in my ears what is true of me – who He says that I am – and how I am not to forget that.

New Man, or no man, cracked out hamster on the wheel, cats or no cats – I think as people, we need that. I need that. I need to hold onto my identity in the face of things that challenge me. I need to be reminded of my significance in the ocean of disarray.