Swallowed By The Sea
Today it seems as if there has been cloud of a feeling that has settled upon me – and it is one that is not easily shaken. In fact, I believe that this is a feeling that has been visiting me over the past few weeks. It seems to rear its ugly head in the most interesting of places: in the middle of my day at work, after a great date with a new guy, in the quiet of the morning when I think that no one is looking.
It seems to come upon me suddenly, and I go from being secure to somehow feeling that I am only one inch tall in a world of giants.
That the world around me is busy and sophisticated, and here I am, very young and simple. I could walk around telling myself all kinds of reasons why I would feel this way, but I suppose that we could just call it what it is – insecurity. It is not that I am necessarily worried of what other people think of me, but rather feeling that I am quite small in a very big and complicated world.
The interesting part is, the major question that I have for myself is not why – that is a part of the equation that doesnt elude me. Rather, the part that I have trouble reconciling is the how. Generally speaking, I am a confident person. I have always had a lot of positive life factors pushing me forward; I have always enjoyed my work and have been successful, I have always had lots of friends and enjoyed their company, I have always had a good home life with my parents, brothers, sisters, roommates, or whoever. And then one day, I wake up and feel as if I have shrunk to half my size.
While at work, I wandered away from my desk and found myself trudging out of the building and out into the sunshine. And I couldn’t help but think, “How does this happen to a person? How is that you can completely feel like you know who you are, and then one day wake up to realize that you have lost sight of yourself?” Or maybe I haven’t lost sight entirely, but I feel that my identity is but an echo in the back of my mind or that the palpability of feeling like myself is slowing being pulled away from me. Maybe it’s just that I feel like somehow I need to take my soul by the shoulders and shake it to remind myself, “Don’t forget who you are. You have a story worth telling and a contagious vibrancy worth having. You are intelligent, and you are accomplished, so don’t you forget that!”
Maybe it’s just a world of business suits, expensive cars, fancy restaurants and brand new shoes. Somehow the glitter of it all gets under my skin, seemingly screaming of egotistical importance. It is in the face of this that I am reminded what I am not – not old enough, or successful enough, or thin enough, or cute enough, or smart enough…or enough of something. The sheer difference between me and the sparkling world around me is enough to make me shrink back. Its as if the world is caught up in brilliance, and in comparison, my heart is nothing more than bare and artless paper bag. Suddenly I am very quite, very small and very sunken into my surroundings. And in the midst, I long for the parts of the world that don’t care if I am very tall, very beautiful, very successful, or very intelligent. I want to disappear; wandering in the hills, smelling flowers, or sitting by a highway and watching all the cars speed by.
The words of a Coldplay song have been echoing in my mind all afternoon,
And you belong with me, Not swallowed in the sea
Maybe that is just life sometimes – to get overwhelmed with the grandiosity of everyone else. To look at beautiful women, expensive cars, great executives, brand new houses, watches, purses, and cuff-links, and think to yourself “Maybe I am quite small, and maybe I am quite unimportant. Maybe I will never be as shinning as these people, maybe my soul will always be a little more like a plain paper bag.”
It does sound silly to see those things said out loud, because I know that isn’t really true, but it can be amazing at how true it feels.
I am determined to know that I am not entirely unusual. I know that these instances pass; that they do not define me. I suppose this is why we have good friend who call us out on the days like today when we feel very small – they can see the truth when we have lost sight. They can look us in the eyes, and hold our shoulders declaring,
”You are who you are, and that doesnt change even on the days where you dont feel it – you cannot loose sight of the things that are already true of you.”
They somehow seem to declair the same message that has made Coldplay so successful; because they both have lyrics to speak to my soul on days of insecurity. They remind me that “What good is it to live…not loving all you see…Well that’s where you belong, you belong with me, not swallowed in the sea.”
Baby, I know that feeling very well!
Come visit me!
xox
Hi Jenni! (I finally found your blog)
So I went camping last weekend and I need to share something with you. We were up in the Sequoias, where massive trees stretch almost 400 feet in the air and are as big around as 2 cars parked side by side. We turned a corner on the road and came to a grove where a tree had fallen, its roots going up maybe 40 feet in the air and the trunk was easily 3 times my height laying on its side.
The little marker next to the tree said When this tree fell over a hundred years ago, it was over 2,000 years old. I couldn’t help but think “Wow, dont I feel small.” But you know what, sometimes, I think it can be a good thing to be small in the presence of something great. Because for things to be around long before we were ever born, and that will probably be around long after everyone alive today has passed on, it makes you realize that not only am I small, but so is everyone else around me. And though other people might seem big and we dont feel all that important all the time, we are all just tiny specs next to something that is truely great.
And thats certainly something to think about the next time you take a walk with giants