Once, early in my twenties, I dated a truly horrible guy. I dont know that he always meant to be horrible, but there is no arguing the fact that he was more than terrible to me. He was manipulative, and arguably emotional abusive – telling me I should loose weight, and dye my hair, and always talking about the attractiveness of other women in my presence. The list of discrepancies goes on and on, from isolating me from my friends, to constantly telling me cutting remarks about my family….which over time I began to believe.  

Why I was blind to this, I could not tell you. Maybe this is part of the entire dating/relationship journey for me at this point  – to reconcile what lead me to permit such destructive patterns in my dating life in the first place.

But the climax of our dysfunctional story took place in March of 2004. At this point I had slunked down to barley over 100 pounds due to depression and the need to appear attractive. I was in my junior year of college, and the classes were beginning to get to the point where they would swallow me alive if I would let them. And our relationship was spinning out of control – the way that he was treating me was getting steadily and progressively more unbearable. One night, after leaving a swimming party at his house, I had the gut sinking feeling that something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong. So, I went back to his house (which I realize makes me a neurotic woman – but in this instance direly necessary)…and I found him in bed…with another woman.

Needless to say that at 21 this kind of event could kill a girl. And it nearly did. I couldnt keep food down for weeks. I had no more friends…he had successfully picked fights with all of them, leaving me alone in my hour of utter despair. Well, I chose not to leave him through all that time – which left me in utter despair.

Now I don’t want to drone on all of the awful minute details, but what I am getting at is this. This was the first time in my life that didnt have a relationship to hide behind. It was the first time that I was so unrecognisably smashed, I had no choice but stop hiding from God. To come clean, to look Him in the face and say “Ok Lord, lets do this your way.” I can honestly say that night back in March of 2004 was the darkest hour of my life. And looking at all of the places that I have been and grown since then, I am amazing that I am even here sometimes – for there were days, weeks, or even months where mere survival felt like the only objective.

It was not only hard because my heart was crushed, but because I didnt trust God at all. And I didnt want to. Not being able to hide in relationships anymore meant that it was time to face the music and do some serious business with God. And that scared me shitless. SHITLESS.

Now, in those dark hours, there came a promise from God. “Jenni, you will be vindicated.” (God speaks to me often through music, so of course this was a message whispered in the midst of the Dashboard Confessional song, Vindicated.) I knew what the word meant, but I didnt really know the gritty details of the word. So I looked it up. Vindicated was explained as being “to claim ones self for another, to deliver from; liberate, To justify or prove the worth of, especially when the party at hand could not do so on their own.”

Needless to say, I clearly lost it when I read this. And in my mind, that vindication played out in thousands of calculating ways. If I had my way about it, I would have grown up to be entirely successful, going to law school, and making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. Then one day, looking stunning and powerful in an expensive suit, I would be getting into my brand new Porche, and he would be homeless, begging for money on the streets. He would turn to me and say “Got any spare change?” And in that instance, he would recognize me, and vindication would be won. I would answer “For you?” And then spit in his change cup – or something equally degrading. (ok, I can be mean when Im mad).

So here it is 2008. Its been years. We still go to the same church, so over the years there have been instances where we have seen each other. Usually we ignore each other. But my heart still races, my hair stands on end, and I feel like I am going to vomit. Usually old thoughts come back like “I wonder if I look ok? Do I look skinny? Is he jealous?” Clearly childish, and I would remind myself that I simply dont care anymore, and move on with my life.

Tonight in church he was sitting DIRECTLY in my line of vision. Ten feet away. Its the closest we have been in 4 years. I’m fidgety in church trying to make myself pay attention. And then something happened during worship. God says in my ear “Forgive him. And tell him you forgive him.” FUCK NO! Seriously God? Forgive maaaaaaybe. But walk over there and TALK to him. No. Absolutely not.

And then a crazy thing was happening. My feet were moving. Towards him. My hand was reaching up to grab his shoulder. I was smiling, then leaning in and saying “This may be more for me to say than it is for you to hear…but I forgive you for all those things that happened.” And then he was saying back to me, “I apologize for everything I did to you.”

Vindicated.

 I dont know that he really meant it when he said he was sorry, or that he even knew all that he was apologizing for.  But I am realizing, I dont care. It doesnt matter.

I’m smiling because this is NOTHING like what I wanted or pictured vindication to feel like. But I feel like I have taken a suitcase of poison, that I never really even knew was there, and cut the chord between me and it. He still may not think that he ever did anything wrong, anything worth forgiving. He may think that I’m a crazy girl with a 4 year old grudge. But none of that matters.

He can be or think whatever he wants. Because in this moment, I am realizing that vindication looks like being able to walk away….to REALLY walk away emotionally. To see him in the hall way at church and feel nothing. Not anger, or hatred, or nausea. Vindication looks like realizing that between the two of us, I was big enough to rise above the pain. That I was the one who was big enough to surpass all that he threw at me, and then, even in light of that, to be able to say “I forgive you.” Vindication looks like being a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart…not a skinny girl who has made her ex-boyfriend jealous.

So maybe I didn’t go to Law School, and I most definatly dont have a Porshe. And he still isnt homeless. But I can tell you, that this vindication feels so much better than Law Degree, and expensive suit and a sports car ever could.