As a teenager, I would have given anything to have the freedom and the guts to walk out and leap into the world. And I do mean that as a two part statement, in that not only did I not have the ability to do so, but I don’t think that I had the courage to either. 

But guts or not, there was still a hunger there – a hunger to get out and see the world, to eat exotic foods, to meet interesting people; to do what I liked and what I wanted. I wanted to wake up in the morning, and have my feet hit the floor with purpose. I wanted a job that made me feel important and was something that mattered to me. I wanted to be very good at my job. I wanted to be talented, fabulous, and nothing less. I wanted loads of great friends with interesting stories who loved to eat at interesting places and spending our time doing our interesting hobbies. I wanted to be outstanding, independent, beautiful, and brave.

As I sit here and roll over these things in my mind, I dont know that these desires sound too outlandish. Most people want success. Most people want friends. Most people want to love the life that they are living. I’d like to think that most people aim for those things on a daily basis.

But the interesting thing is, as I move along this plan, I am blessed in that the road is finally beginning to resemble what I always had thought it should. I just got a job – a real job that pays me a great salary and fantastic benefits. I just bought a brand new car that makes me look and feel incredibly grown up. I just moved back into my apartment where I sleep in a beautiful king sized bed like any respectable adult. I do have loads of interesting friends. They have lived all over the world, the read, they paint, they hike, they rock climb. They love to laugh and drink wine and cheese. They love to go to baseball games, eat hot dogs and drink beers.

The one thing that I didnt count on, is that the road of this fabulous life has pockets of lonely. That not being surrounded by my parents means…not being surrounded. Not to say that I am completely alone, I know that I am more than well supported. I just figured that when you “arrive” into your life, that it comes complete with a gift basket and a corner office. That you are happy, the skies are sunny, and you love to smile.

ok, well even as I admit that out loud, I can clearly see where I went wrong. Of course it doenst happen that way. We all know it doesnt. But I can’t help but fight the compulsion to call my mom. To ask her if I am allowed to come back home and sleep in my old bed. To have her wake me in the morning to be sure that I am not going to be late for work.

At this point in my life, that really would do me no good. I dont need a mother like that anymore. I know I dont. But what if I just want one? I know that my mom is probably saying “Jenni you can have one. You can come home at anytime you want. You can sleep in your old bed, and come to dinner whenever you feel like.” I think that’s what good mothers are supposed to say. But  I also think that adult daughters are supposed to say “Shesh mom. I’ll be ok. Really dont worry. I’ll be fine!”

And it doesn’t matter that I am scared, or a little lonely, unsure of how this adult-thing is going to pan out. Maybe that’s part of it. To walk down my own road  and not be sure that it will turn out ok. I guess you can’t have mom walking next to you for that.

I know it gets better. I know it doesnt always feel this way. I know I get used to being a little more alone. But for tonight, I’d really like to be under my parents roof – even if it is a little ridiculous.