Stop This Train – John Mayer

I have been here before.  I have walked through this painful mess once before. We have opened the boxes slowly and examined their contents. I have cried at the wounds, and been brutally honest about what I feel when I see these things.

You have promised me victory over the mess. You have promised that the wounds would heal. You have said that I would no longer be held captive by the darkness that laid within those boxes. You have told me that there are lies that I should no longer listen to.

So why then, does the whole thing still feel like a mess? Why then do I feel as lost as ever when I think about the half packed boxes that are strewn about the floor of my heart? Why is it that I have pray that you are big enough for this? Because I think if I am really honest, I don’t believe that there is enough grace for this. I really don’t think that your truth can speak loud enough to silence the demons. I don’t think that these scars will ever heal.

And as you beckon me back into conversation, asking me to sit down with you once again to lift the bandages and peer into my broken progress, I am not sure that I am willing. I don’t know if I want to see the ugliness that is still there.

I know with my head that you are enough, and long to bring all things back to the way that you intended. I know with my head that you love me like the new father that bounces his little girl in his arms while softly singing to her. I know that you are smiling at me because I have no idea how big you can really be. I know that you smile when you think of me because you are crazy about just me.

Then why are the demons so dark? While does their lure still feel so strong? And what else can I do? Like a small child about to get a shot, I let the tears fall and shake my head slowly. I dont want to continue forward. I dont want to see. It’s dark and painful, and I dont want to talk to you about this anymore.

But also, like the little girl about to get a shot, I have no choice but to hold your hand, and look through the tears, and nod ok. I don’t want to be a woman that misses out on you because I’m scared. I know that there is no stopping the speed of life. I know that I cannot be big enough on my own. And worse than living a life that scares you is living a life that you are hiding in.

I don’t promise that I will be brave. I dont promise that I will be good at this. I don’t promise that I will want to look through the boxes with both eyes open. But I will promise to trust you. I will promise to try. And I will promise to not walk away just because the demons are dark.

 In Between.

Upside down.

Backward.

Opposite.

Beautiful. 

Painful.

 Salty tears and concrete smiles. Wide spread fingers and open eyes.

Furrowed brows and a down turned mouth.

I guess its just time. Always just time, simply time.

Busy worldwind day of papers and order and corporate suits and high toned heals. Soft hearts of missing you far away in the lonely night over text messages. Long drives with soft warm heat and tired eyes. Early mornings of not wanting to get out of bed, and yet still missing you.

How much missing you? Can it be known? And slightly frustrated because I don’t know if it is enough for you. There is no knowing the future, if we can stick it out, and I can be your girl. Not knowing if this is the place that is going to take me to the heights of my dreams, open office and corporate smiles.

Not even knowing if this is the place that will take me into next week. Permanent placement. I cannot be your girl and I cannot be an admin assistant. Planing the big man’s meetings kills my soul as much as driving down the 5 and knowing you don’t want to see me over pancakes.

But it is space.

And time.

Simply and always. Space and time.

 Space for the backward to stretch itself out. Time for the inbetween to twist itself into a snuggled fit. Slowly and methodically for the backward to become forward.

For the opposites to find themselves in the middle with lips barley bracing each other across the distance.

It does not feel beautiful.

But tonight you feel far. And the corporate office feels far to close. And that, makes it a little too painful.

Too Painful.

Too Beautiful.

We are too opposite.

This life feels too backward.

Corporate work is always too upside down.

Am I am much too inbetween.