Today in the car my dad said something interesting to me. I spent most of the day car shopping, as my old BMW is about to be released of it duties. Its been a good car to me, but lately I get the feeling that it has become more like a limping old man, and less like the young sporty car it was intended to be. So, as I emotionally let go of the car that has been my chariot for the past few years, I have to ask the question “what kind of car do I want?”

The funny things about cars at that they aren’t simply modern mechanical marvels that take us from our current location to our destination. We dont like admitting it, but cars say something about us; about who we are and our personalities.  They denote how successful we are in our careers, what we choose to do in our spare time, or what kind of family we do or do not have.

So this weekend, as I wandered around dealer lots, drooling over the cars that can’t afford, and haggling with salesmen for the cars that I can afford. But I can’t shake the feeling that there is a greater question being asked of me. It is not simply “Jenni what kind of car do you want to drive?” But rather “Jenni, what kind of person do you want to be?”

Am I an environmentalist, recycling cans found discarded on hiking trails, and cruising the town in my 2008 Toyota Prius? Am I a sporty and sassy, weaving through traffic, and power sliding into parking spots in my Mini Cooper? Am I a young adult, practical and somewhat stylish in a 2008 Mazda 3? Or, am I a kid of the upcoming generation, fiddling with my Ipod while I sport around in my economical and so stylish Honda Fit?

My head spinning with facts, thoughts, miles per gallon, green rating numbers and accident ratings, my dad said this on the way home: “Jenni, buy the car that YOU like. Don’t get caught up in what other people will think about you when they see you in that car. That really isnt important – what’s important is that you really enjoy your choice.” Whoa dad, I dont think you meant that to be deep, but I’m pulling meaning far beyond what you anticipated.

I am having a hard time choosing a car because I want it to say the right thing about who I am to other people. “I’m of a new generation that cares more about the environment than huge SUV trucks. Yes I care about the Climate crisis, and I dont want my children to play in a garbage heap. But I also am smart. I’m successful, I work hard and generally I go above and beyond in this world. I’m versatile and outgoing. I may wear a pencil skirt Monday through Friday – but that doesn’t mean I cant fill my hours with hiking, climbing, and surfing. I’m young, but I’m not immature. I’m innovative and interesting. I’m classy and stylish.”

Do they make a car that says that? Irregardless, I think the bigger question is “why do I feel the compulsion to ensure the people see the right message about me when they see my car?” Why can’t I just buy a car that I enjoy? Am I bound by the roll I want to play?

As a young child, I felt the compulsion to always do things “the right way.” Maybe it was just the way that my family was. My parents were great, and always accepting - but because things were hectic, I always had the need to be the one NOT creating chaos. I never came home drunk or with a tattoo. I went to a good college, studied hard and earned two degrees in 4 years – graduating with honors. Doing something that would disappoint my parents, or that would be considered “bad” was totally out of the question. I think it’s fair to say that I lived by the rules, colored within the lines, didn’t question the boundaries.

Now as a young adult, I feel like the boundaries have all become grey, and somehow move toward me like they are going to choke me. I’d love to be covered in tattoos, or to have gone crazy in college and told my parents to screw off. I’d love to find my own life and say “See ya,”  packing my suitcase and heading out to some other country; and  telling people that they could fly to see me at Christmas if they really wanted.

As I am wandering through car lots and choosing my “identity” I realize that this has to change. The messages to about me to the world need to matter less. Or even better, I need to just start ignoring them altogether. Maybe I need to push back the boundaries of “Perfect Child” role. I need to learn how to color outside the lines. And even now, I need to learn to ignore the voice inside me that says “Don’t buy the Honda Fit – it doesn’t make you look like a mature professional and no one will take you seriously.” Maybe the secret to rewriting the rules is just to take on the messages one at a time. Like my dad said, doing what I really want out of life, not what I think I should do.

I dont know that I’m ready to run out today and tattoo a huge rose across my breasts and dread my hair. I dont know that I’m quite to the point where I could live my life completely against my parents, my bosses, and the rule-telling voices in my mind. But maybe I can silence the car issue. Maybe I should call the Honda Dealer tomorrow. I am beginning to think that I might not look professional or extremely successful….but it would be alot of fun to let the wind blow through my hair as I cruise down PCH in my new orange Honda Fit.

 ps – note added May 15th…I didnt get the HondaFit. I got a Mazda 3. I couldnt get over the weird body style of the Fit. But, I feel badly in that there were alot of good thoughts in this blog. And the Mazda 3 doesnt make as catchy of a title…so we’ll leave it up for now