It’s neither here no there. And that seems to be just the problem. Tired of here. Not sure of how to be there. And even still there are so many questions about there. “Am I ready to be there? Does it mean that I am not ready to be there if I have to ask? How do I know when I get there? When is it soon enough? When it is too soon to be there? Does the time from here to there matter? Do my friends think its too soon? And if they do, does that just show that I am not ready to be there if I have to ask what they think?”

I’m feeling quite small in this moment. Quite little and quite rediculous for having such big wants. Maybe I am always going to be the girl who gets the cart in front of the horse. Maybe Im actually doing this right, but I just dont know it because I’ve never done it right before. Feeling like everyone thinks I am much to young to have this be real. Too young for that job that I know I can do. Too young for the feelings that I want to let myself have.

And yet I also wonder, are these just my reflexions of myself? Is this the fears of what other people will think when they look at me? Do I think that the look at me and say “She is too young, and doesnt know what she is doing, therefore, I must be?”

 I think too hard. I’ve screwed this up too many times for this to really work out. Maybe its all one giant field day of failure. Part of me wants to quit and run right in this moment. Be safe. Work at the coffee shop - single and safe. No job that works too hard and delivers too much responsiblity. No boyfriend to make a collosal mess with. Its amazing how tempting that all sounds, even in its simplicity. To have the coffeeshop job and a party girl mentality just seems to keep the world at bay.

Is it my fight to stay in the limbo even if there are no answers there? Is the challange in this phase to stay with the boy that excites and scares at the same time? Does the battle lie in not running, and doing the things contrary to what always was? Does the distance make it all worth while? Does staying at the job that eats the soul mean for better years when the time has been put i? And at what point do you know when you are simply perservering for the sake of a damn good reward….and when you are just refusing to give up on something that shouldnt be fought for? When do you listen to the friends that tell you that what you are doing is right….and when do you know that it doesnt matter what they think? 

And all of these thoughts for the next place. Yet there is so much about the “this place” and displeases the pallet. Too many things. Streched much too thin. There is never enough. The time is always short. There is always month at the end of the money. There are always tears when there isn’t enough emotion to cover all the bases. There is always shortness and impatience and slight cruelty to people I dont understand. There is always more frustration than seemably goodness.

And coming back the the place where you ask, “Is it here or there where there is enough?” Is it over there where you get too look in the mirror and say “I have just enough for today. Enough things to do. Enough money to cover all of the needs. Enough  fun to make myself laugh. Enough hardship for me not to take it all for granted. Enough joy to make it all worthwhile. Enough pain to make it a fight. Enough love, sadness, things, beauty…there is just enough, and I have no wants.” …Or when said out loud you can hear the rediculousness of it all. The romance in the idea that one day I will be “there” and “there: seems to be satisfaction.

Shakes head. Silly Jenni. There and here have all things in common. Satisfaction does not exist In Limbo.